Hey, having a lot of problems with drugs and family.

Hello,

I am a 21 year old male. I'm posting this here because I really don't know what specific problems I have (because of my constant lies, which I'll talk about in a bit here), so I figured this would be a place for me to let everything out, after years and years of it building up. You can say I've hit rock bottom. (This will be a lengthy post).

I was born to an alcoholic father and a drug free mother. As a child (3-12), I remember my parents arguing a lot, but I had no idea why. I ran away from home 3 times to my neighbour's house. Parents would freak out at me a lot of I ran away. Anyways, my childhood is a bit of a blur but the major things I remember are:

1. Bullied a lot. When I was in grade 3, I was transfered over to a catholic school (no idea why) and I was extremely skinny. I remember my first day of class, I was crying so hard because I missed my mother, so the kids in class started making fun of me a lot, and it continued well into grade 5. I would always lie and said I was sick so I could get of school. It was so bad that my parents made me go see a councellor (the original reason was because I kept putting my hands down my pants in class and my teacher reported me. I lied to my councellor and told him that the reason I put my hands down my pants was because in grade 2 the kids would always make me do it, no idea why I said that).

Outside of school, I had a couple of good friends.

I would get extremely mad and nothing was really done about it, which lowered my self confidence a lot. I think I tried to get attention. I also remember in grade 4 I would always write the F-word on the bathroom wall everyday. The teachers asked me if I knew who was doing it and I lied and said I don't know (This was the beginning of my constant lying problem, which affects me a lot to this date).

2. I stole from people a lot. One example is when I was 10 years old, I stole around $100 worth of books from the book sale. Mother caught me, said (in these exact words) "You're a thief. Go return those books now," and I did, but I got away with it, as they never seen me return it. So I stole more and more (little things, like money lying on a table at a friends house, etc).

Grades six to now:

When I started grade six I became very chubby, which resulted in a lot of verbal harassment from students in my class. My parents always told me just to laugh back with them, so I did, which made me feel worse inside. Grades six to nine were actually not bad, I had quite a few friends in school (Aside from the idiots who made fun of me because I was fat).

In grade nine I was diagnoised with ADD (I don't even know if I have it) because I always moving around in my seat, not paying attention, etc. The doctor put me on dexedrine, which was the start of my extreme downfall. At first I did great, my grades went up from 50's to 90's, I was amazed that a drug could do that!

My parents, in grade 10, bought me a computer with the internet. That, combined with the dexedrine, started my first true addiction. Throughout grades 10-12, I would be on the computer everyday, whenever I could, for HOURS (5-6, sometimes 24) at a time. My parents tried to take the computer away from me (disconnecting the keyboard, stuff like that), but it didn't work. They eventually gave up because of the extreme mood swings I would have when I couldn't go on the computer.

Along with that, in Grade 11 I started to abuse dexedrine because it wasnt working on me, so I would take double or triple the dosage that I was supposed to, which made me even more addicted to the computer. Along with that I wasn't eating properly so I lost a LOT of weight (went from 220 to 180 pounds) and for some strange reason I still thought I was fat, even with the greatest confidence from my friends that i looked amazing (I'm a very good looking guy, I can at least say that now).

The excessive computer use, the dexedrine and the fact that I had extremely low self confidence made me feel like crap. I was popping dexedrine like no tommorow at this stage (I would go on binges, take 8 pills everyday for 2 weeks straight, then stop for a week). Along with that, in grade 12, me and my sister learned for the first time that my dad was an alcoholic and gambler, which turned our world upside down. He was apparently sober for 2 years and went on a relapse. My parents would always talk about divorce, argue, etc, etc. Anyways, he got himself cleaned up and to cure his addiction he played a lot of videogames. I thought all was good with my father.

I then discovered marijuana in grade 12. I loved it. I'm in no way an alcoholic, but I am indeed a pothead. I started hanging out with new people who smoked weed and I felt as if I belonged with them. I was smoking weed constantly everyday. My parents knew about it but all they would do is yell at me, so I just become more rebellious. At this point I was sniffing dexedrine, do ecstasy, mushrooms, you name it.

After highschool I went to Culinary Arts school, to become a Chef. That was my dream, something I wanted to do very badly, but I screwed off. I was always showing up to class stoned or screwed up from last night and eventually I just stopped going to classes.

During that year, my father was transfered to another city, so he went first, about 6 months before my family was supposed to go. One night, my father calls, saying he was drinking and gambling again (he gambles large amounts, miniumum $1000, most he ever gambled was $50,000), so out of the kindness in my heart I went early to be with him and to help him. I left all of my friends early to help him out with his addiction (totally unaware I had a problem).

I quit the dexedrine cold turkey as soon as I arrived in my new home town, which caused extreme withdrawal. I gained all of my weight back and more. I went from 180 to 280 pounds. Not only that but my father was drinking and gambling still (I had to live in a hotel with him for 6 months until our house was built). He would be drunk most of the time. One night he tried to kill himself with a bottle of Concerta (yeah, apparently my Dad has ADD too). All I remember was I opened the hotel room and he was passed out on the floor with foam coming out of his mouth. Called 911.. I wasn't even sad. I was actually extremely mad.

I started smoking more and more weed and eating a lot to make up for the dexedrine. We moved into the new house, where my Dad kept his addiction going. He gambled away my life savings and my sister's college funds. I still, to this day, hate him for what he did to my sister's future, and I don't hate a lot of people. My parents divorced three months after moving into the new house (she had enough).

Anyways, because of this, I have had over 13 different jobs in Grande Prairie. Most of the time I either get fired, or quit for no reason. I buy dexedrine from a dealer here sometimes, when he has it, and I go on binges. I've never had a girlfriend, or had sex so far, don't have my driver's license and I am living with my best friend who is dating my sister.

I'm smoking weed constantly still everyday and lately I've been talking to myself a lot.

First, thanks for reading this long post. Second.. what the hell is wrong with me?

gpcook, there is nothing wrong with you! You have an addiction...and a lot of family issues to deal with. That does not mean you are broken or something. I also started using drugs at a very young age--my first time in rehab happened when I was 15.

Posting here and admitting what you are going though is an important and huge step to getting better. I will warn you though--once you start down the road to rehab, it ruins your using. For me, once I started really looking at my drug use, every time I used I would be consumed by guilt. It sounds like you know the drugs are screwing up your life. What I had to do is get to the point where I was willing to do something about it. It took years and 4 trips to rehab, but I have not had coke in 7 years and have not had a drink in 2 and 1/2 years. Life is so much better clean and sober.

I can really relate to the struggles with Dexedrine. I take it because it slows down my thoughts--without it I am an anxious mess. But, I have to follow the docs directions and take it like I am suppose to. It is tempting to abuse it. I find, that as long as I take the dexedrine like I am suppose to, my desire to use other drugs drops considerably. Maybe you should look into being treated for ADHD...if you truly are ADHD or ADD. There are other meds out there that are not as addictive as Dexedrine and help with ADHD. Being treated for all your mental health issues is an important part of getting and staying clean.

Don't be too harsh on yourself about lying and such. For one, you were a kid and it sounds like you had a lot of family issues you were trying to live through--you were doing what you had to do to survive in a not so good environment. That and addiction makes us do things we would not normally do. I am sorry you have had to go through all that as a kid.

So, I guess what you need to decide now is if you are ready to do something about your drug use....have you had enough of the %#@&#!? Getting clean is not easy, but it is so worth it. I hope you decide to get clean...life is a beautiful thing...life can feel good.

Again, there is nothing wrong with you....

Like Depressme said, there's nothing wrong with you. You're not a bad person. You have an addiction and a lot of emotional baggage from your childhood / teenage years. As far as the addiction goes, my addictions Dr. likes to say "Bad disease, good people" Getting clean is really hard, but it's totally worth it. I'm an alcoholic and it took me two rehabs, multiple attempts at stoping on my own, a few relapses and 3 detoxes before I finally got sobriety. But it's been completely worth it. I lost my job due to drinking and now I'm back working at a pretty good job, thanks to sobriety.

You're not that old, even though you've lived through a lot. I hear lots of people in AA who have started their lives over once they got sober because when they're not dragged down by the addiciton, they can pursue goals - maybe you could even find a way to go back to school to become the chef you always wanted to be.

You might want to check out Narcotics Annonymous in your area. They can be a great support group for you.

Good luck.

---splitimage