[splitimage]

I know this is all being triggered by my upcoming Berlin trip and my desire to drink while I'm there. I'm 99.9% certain that I won't drink but I still want to. This isn't a craving exactly, I've had those and rode them out. This is more conscious decision time. I know I want to drink and part of me thinks that there would be nothing wrong with having a few drinks, except I know that it could be the start of a very slippery slope back to places I don't want to go.

But I'm frankly angry that I can't enjoy a cold beer on a hot day or a nice glass of wine with a good dinner. I resent the fact that I'm an alocoholic (Guess I still have to work on acceptance). At the risk of sounding like a two year old. It's not fair. I have enough problems in my life with mental illness without adding addiction on top.

And this isn't rational. I know my life is a whole lot better sober. I remember how bad my life was towards the end of my drinking. I remember the awful withdrawls. I remember being barely able to string two sentences together. Now I'm doing things that would never be possible if I were still drinking. It's hard but I'm changing and growing. Why would I want to risk throwing it all away?

Sorry - just feeling cranky and sorry for myself and needed to vent.

--splitimage

[Christina86]

Here here!

(((((((((((((splitimage)))))))))))))

I agree. Addictions freaking suck. What did we ever do to wind up with one? It's not like we chose to become addicted to whatever!! Totally not freaking fair. We're good people with enough problems already ... an addiction (or two, three etc) is too much to deal with!

I do want to go back to drinking myself. Hell, it's not like I can't control it this time - and then I realize it's only been my 4th meeting last night, and I can't mess up something else in my life. Too much of that already.

Oh, it's not rational. It's emotional, and it's always that tricky part of the situation that messes with people.

Vent away some more if you need to. We'll all listen. And hey, I still think you're pretty cool and my role model of sorts. It's nice to know people understand here.

HUGE See ya tonight, ok?

[Sherryanne]

Im striggling with my own demons right now and it friggin sucks. I didnt choose my addiction, it chose me. How was I supposed to know this was the life I was heading for. Now its a daily struggle.

I'm definately with you on this one.

Sherry

[DePressMe]

At the moment I am not feeling pissed at my addiction. I look at people who are social drinkers and see them as using a drug to change how they feel. That means they must not be happy with themselves/life if they need to change it.

Of course, when I have urges to use, I slip into the anger phase. That is the time when I need to pay extra close attention to my recovery program. Don't just shrug this off and go to Berlin with it in the back of your mind--that is setting yourself up for disaster. Maybe you could hit a few extra meetings or work a step or something--anything to get rid of the anger and move on so you can truly enjoy your trip and stay sober. You are not going to have fun if this battle is going on inside of you.

I am not saying this to belittle you or anything like that--I am just sharing something I experienced that changed my view on life. When I was a kid, I went whining to my uncle about something. He said, "life isn't fair kid, get use to it." I keep that in my mind and I don't expect things to be fair--that's just life. I have to make the best out of whatever comes my way.

[splitimage]

(((depressme))))

Thanks. Yes you're right life isn't fair, and I'm pretty much used to that 99.9% of the time. You're also right that I need to get out of this funk I'm in before going to Berlin because even if I don't drink I'll have a pretty miserable time if I go over in the mood I'm in. Guess it's time to do a mini 4'th step and figure out what's really bothering me.

I know I'll be fine during the day, becuase I love history and I love playing tourist. I just have to make sure I have every evening planned in advance with activities that will be fun and not involve drinking.

I know I'm feeling extra cranky because of some stuff that's going on at work that I just have to suck up and deal with, that and my music teacher has me a little freaked at the amount of work she's piled on me - 4 new songs all at what for me are a fairly advanced level. Since I bought the new harp she's really expecting me to crank it up, which is what I wanted, it just feels all sort of overwhelming right now.

Plus I'm going out of town to a music festival this weekend. It'll be fun, but I know it'll be a bit of a trigger to drink when I' m alone in the hotel room in the evening = then it's work for 5 days and leave for Berlin. My life has been so stable for these last few months I'm not coping particularly well with upheaval even when it's positive.