[brokensmile]

i recently broke up with my boyf of two years because i realised i didnt love him and he had a history of aggression and when we would argue it would sometimes get physical. i dont regret breaking up with him, but since then i have become almost unrecognisable to myself because of my actions and dont know how to stop.

in the space of 2 months, i have slept with four different guys, one of which turned out to be a stalker and i had to go to the police to get them to warn him off so to speak. i am constantly getting out of my head drunk on the weekends, even some week nights, and am having memory blanks nearly each time recently. and i know i am making a bad name for myself. i dont crave alcohol, it just feels good to escape from what has now become such a lonely and boring week on my own (as i was living with my boyf previously) and if i dont drink, i take drugs such as ecstasy or anything that acts as an "upper" on a night out. i thought i was just on a rebound situation at first, but i am actually ashamed and embarrised of myself right now as i always seem to have some situation with some guy to worry about. i feel i need to run away and escape from everything that is happening right now, i am working, but my behaviour is leaving me feeling unmotivated and my career is suffering, which is something i have worked so hard at previously. i dont know how to escape this vicous cycle, if im at home alone i hate it, and the mornign after a night out i regret almost half the night!

i am also constantly watching what i am eating and counting calories/grammes of fat and trying to walk everwhere if possible and i even tried to throw up my food the otherday but stopped half way through, i have a history of bulimia and know that i dont wanna go back down that route! so things have been okay food wise since.

i always put on a brave face and come accross as quite a happy person but i am so worried about myself.if anyone has some advice for me or personal experiences that could relate it would be much appreciated x

[Christina86]

((((((((((brokensmile)))))))))))))) It sounds like you need some sort of professional support to deal with all the stuff that's been happening in your life recently! Have you thought about seeking therapy/counselling?

[splitimage]

I agree with Christina, that some councelling might be helpful to help you figure out what's driving your behaviour and make changes. But I also think you really need to think about your drug / alcohol use.

I can totally relate to wanting to drink to make things more exciting or to escape feelings. Been there, done that, got the liver damage to prove it. The thing is, long term it doesn't really help and just makes everything worse. You've said that you're starting to drink during the weeks and you're having blackouts - escallating use and blackouts are both really bad signs that you might have an addiction problem, that and feeling like you're out of control, probably means that you're drinking isn't healthy.

I've never personally done drugs, it never was my thing, but I've met enough people in rehab to know that they can seriously mess you up. They're dangerous period.

I know stopping using is really hard, and may seem like a really scary proposition, but it is possible. And it is possible to get your life and career back on track before it get's any worse.

Personally, I needed a formal treatment centre to stop drinking, not everybody does, lots of people recover with treatment, but it does help to have support.

I go to AA and find that they've given me an incredible amount of support and help in staying sober and getting my life back. You might want to consider giving AA or NA a try. They'll be in your phone book. It might seem scary at first, but it's worth trying to get help before your life becomes any more unmanageable.

Don't know what time zone you're in, but we have a recovery chat here every Wed. at 9:00 pm EST, if you feel like dropping in and just chatting or asking questions about recovery.

--splitimage

[ziggy1]

I too definetly agree with christina and splitimage, i can re-late with what you are going through. Drinking is not good to hide your feelings and the
exctasy is even worse.....Try to get some counseling and keep posting
and don't be afraid to keep us up to date, lots of good people here to
help...!

welcome to PC.....

[scooterb]

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

Albert Einstein
Said by Einstein but understood by recovering addicts and alcoholics every where.
I agree with the others - get help for your drinking and drug use. Professional help was part of my recovery, but nothing was as good as going to a 12 Step meeting and listening to someone's story that was exactly like mine! To do the therapeutic work you'll need clarity, and that comes from giving your mind and body a break from drugs and booze.
If you want to email me and talk, please do. I've been there and done that. If you live in Southern California I can give advice on meetings, etc.
Scooterb

[Swanno]

Brokensmile,

My life is exactly the same as yours, except my boyfriend dumped me. I find myself doing exactly the same as you - going out, drinking, ecstacy, then I crash bad, but when I am high I am so so so happy and feel so good. When I am high I tell myself to remember this feeling when I feel like **** 2 days later.

What worries me now is I will go out by myself and meet new friends - gay clubs coz I know they wont want sex from me, just treat me good. I dont tell people I have so much drugs, because I feel weak for it.

I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, which makes me fat, so I tell myself to have a pill which will stop me eating instead of alcohol. But its when I am already drunk that I decide to have a pill.

I feel out of control - I have no control over my weight, my mind. o wish I could feel satisfied and happy if I stopped.