[Capp]

This time of the year--the holidays--usually make me think of how incredibly blessed I am to be clean and sober...

I used to start celebrating the holidays around Halloween and didn't stop until after St. Paddy's Day...and that is true. A holiday of any sort would give me an excuse to drink/get high.
After awhile I didn't need any excuse...

Looking back, I'm ever so grateful that I did get clean and sober early enough that my grown children do have memories of holidays with a clean and sober mother...it's nice for me to have those memories, also.
My children did have therapy for a few years, and I believe they have an understanding about ACOA issues.

Holidays are so different now! More joy and less fear.
Fear that once again I was going to ruin another Christmas season for my family. Far too many Christmas mornings were ruined by my being hungover...open the gifts then back to bed.

Get up and start cooking tons of food. Tons because it gave me an excuse to be in the kitchen drinking and easing the hangover a wee bit. The family would be nearly starving and I was practically beating them back with my broomstick 'cause I hadn't had enough to drink yet...
There was enough food to feed 46,000 people...I'd want another drink so I just absolutely had to cook something else so I could have that darn drink. Well, sushi didn't need cooked and neither did the twelve salads I threw together.
Leftovers until the middle of January...

When I did get clean and sober, I had to relearn how to cook. There's a rhythm I developed when I was drinking--sip then stir, stir then sip.
I had forgotten how to stir without the sipping. Oh Joy. We never did have gravy for the mashed potatoes my first holiday dinner without a drink in one hand and a spoon in the other...
It felt foreign...like I was in a different country.

A different country describes it rather nicely. A country where I felt lost and stupid and afraid and Lonely...lonely 'cause I didn't have my favorite companions with me--my booze or my drugs.

By grace, I have not found it necessary to take a drink yet this day. By grace, I have not found it necessary for 26 years.
Gratitude. What a sweet and binding word.
I was not grateful in the beginning. I was sick and defiant and an itch with a capital B for the first two years.
When I crossed the line into gratitude and joy-jumping is something I don't know, and it's not really important. What's important is that I did it...

Oh the beautiful life I would have missed had I not stuck with it! It's not been without serious problems that were faced, but being alive is genuinely grand.

Alive. Not seeking oblivion any longer, but enjoying most every day of my life. No it's not perfect and I don't know anyone that has a perfect life...

I'm rambling because my heart is so full of gratitude and hope.

Peace,
Cap

[splitimage]

Capp,

Thanks for posting that. I really needed to read a hopeful post. I've been feeling kind of down about Christmas coming up cause I can't go visit my brother, so I'm most likely going to be alone.

But it's still a lot better than past Christmasses - I spent Christmas day 2006 in a hospital ER detoxing. It was a horible and scary and very lonely experience.

But with a lot of help I'm now over one year sober. It's still really hard, and I do wish I could drink - but I know that would just make my life worse.

I try to remember to be grateful for all the wonderfull people I have in my life now, and the positives that I would never have thought possible when I was still drinking. I just need to be reminded occassionally. So thanks for the reminder.

--splitimage

[Capp]

Higher Power at work for us...
You are welcome and thank you also. I kept getting "prompted" to share here about my gratitude for being alive and sober. I've learned to do these things because they don't go away until I do.

One year is grand and I congratulate you...
gotta be honest with you now.
#1 we are in the same place--so far today I've not found it necessary to take a drink or get high. yeah, the days add up but it's not the number of days; it is today only.
#2 my sponsor was blunt about telling me that the honeymoon was over after the first year.
jme, but I felt a wee bit deflated after the eating meeting to celebrate it. I had this intense desire to make that first year, and I did and then it was, "What Now?!"
Realty was what...changing so very many things in my life was nearly overwhelming. One day at a time took on new meaning for me...

Christmas. Do you have meetings you can attend? Our groups keep our regular schedules and the Agape Center has morning and lunch meetings...it's open all day and a lunch is served after the meeting. Everyone pitches in and brings a dish. It's been real interesting when almost everyone brings a dessert and two people bring a casserole
Do you have anything like that where you live? Have you talked with your sponsor?
Perhaps with a bit of planning it won't be too bad.
I'm usually online early every morning and check in here at PC. Perhaps others are going to be doing the same thing on Christmas...gosh, a mini-meeting would be great!

splitimage, I won't BS you. It's hard, and there were days I would have sold my first-born--if I could have caught her--for a drink/drug. Then I would hear or see something at a meeting that stayed in my heart and made many of the following days so much easier.
When I was really having a crappy time is when I'd double up on meetings when I could. Lunch ones and every evenings. I met some amazing people that way so it was a hidden gift.

I am so sorry!! I'm rambling on and just realized that I don't even know if you are in a 12th step program...forgive me please. Next time I will do more reading before I post--I was going to delete this but maybe it's best if I leave it.

Please know that I care about you. We don't know each other IRL, but we are staying sober one day at a time and that makes you family to me...

Cap

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by Capp

Please know that I care about you. We don't know each other IRL, but we are staying sober one day at a time and that makes you family to me...

Amen to that Capp..

A gratefull heart simply can't take a drink to the lips...the smile gets in the way..

Thank you for the wonderfull post and may you and yours enjoy the gift of the holidays..

Lenny

[notz]

I relate to so much of what's been said. The question of "okay, what now?" hit me like a ton of bricks right after I got my first year. I realized I was envious of the newcomers getting chips all the time. I was going to have to wait a whole year to pick up another chip! LOL

I especially relate to sipping and stirring! Too funny! That was me. "How much longer before we eat?" Sometimes they'd be asleep before it was - ahem - "ready". I have to laugh because if I remember what it was really like during those times I'll have to cry.

There have been so many things to learn how to do without a drink or a drug. My first plane flight sober, ball games, parties, intimacy, brunch, etc. Hard? Yes. Some more than others.

Splitimage, congratulations on your first year. It's a fine accomplishment, one that very few ever make. What Capp suggested for these holidays is perfect if you're in a 12 step program. Plan ahead for these holidays and book yourself silly! Putting a schedule together brings order and stability. Being lonely on Christmas day is a crummy recipe. Take the bull by the horns and get out in front of this!

Capp, you hit the nail on the head for me...more joy, less fear...that's the best gift I've received in sobriety. It says you're in GA, does that mean you know about a Savannah St. Paddy's Day first hand?

Much gratitude,
notz

[Capp]

Notz,
it appears we have somewhat the same sense of humor...yeah!

The hardest one for me when I was sober was intimacy.
How hard?
I reverted back to being a virgin
Flying was another...I think the folks sitting next to me still have marks on their hands from me squeezing them so hard. The fact that they were strangers meant nothing to me. They likely remember me as a nightmare that keeps them from flying...

Lol...oh yeah, Savannah! Then on to Tybee Island for skinny dipping--I was thin then. Today it would be chunky-dunking, but I'd be sober and that's what counts.
For those on the beach that are surprised with chunky-dunking, I have a big box of paper bags they can put over their heads...I colored them with big smiley faces and clowns.

Yesterday, my SO--I left off the B 'cause he was in a good mood-- and I got the Christmas tree. Well, in all fairness, his idea of looking at decorations does not match looking at fishing bait...

'Course I had to have the perfect tree; one with needles and it has to smell good.
The smell. Within that sweet odor of pine, I picked up the smell of booze. The guy next to me. SO zipped my chapped lips so I didn't invite him to a meeting...damn but his wife and kids had that Look.
Instantly doubled my gratitude! I do have memories of going to 56 lots looking for a perfectly stunning tree, and drinking before every stop.
God, but it was one of my stupid pride things...it was supposed to replace the self-hatred within my heart but of course it didn't.
Nothing did until I got clean and sober and stayed that way one day at a time.

Joy is such a nice three letter word! So elusive at first, but it's a keeper and fiercely protected.

Today we decorate the tree while listening to unusual holiday music and drink hot chocolate--scratch chocolate 'cause it's homemade and I no longer burn it or add a shot of this or that. Unusual music is Native American flute and/or drums. Not the typical tree-trimming music but SO adds a few of his favorites so it's a compromise.

Peace and Power,
Cap

[splitimage]

Capp,

Thank you. Yes I am in a 12 step program. I've gotten so much from AA. I think part of me is feeling the NOW WHAT second year blues. I'm reading a book called second year sobriety that I got from hazelden, and I'm relating to a lot of it.

As for Christmas, once I stop being sorry for myself, I do know that I have options. Our local intergroup runs an all day drop in with live music and meetings on the 25'th so I can always go to that. Plus I know I'll see friends over the holidays. And I'm on vacation from work starting on the 16'th - so I know I can really ramp up the number of meetings I go to. I don't know if it's like this where you live, but up here, all the groups have Christmas grattitude meetings, which are usually by candle light, with food, where everyone shares about what they're grateful for. I really like them. And there are at least 9 in my immediate area that I can go to. My home groups is on the 15'th, and we always have a really yummy potluck so I'm looking forward to that.

I know that part of what's got me down / stressing is knowing I'm going to be on vacation. Yes I'm really looking forward to the vacation, but being home alone and feeling lonely is a really big trigger for me to drink. Lately my head has been telling me, that it would be ok, to just drink for a couple of days, except I know that that would be a major disaster so I'm not going to. I've planned all kinds of fun things to do on my time off so that I'm not stuck at home alone, and like I said I can always double up on meetings.

I just always get down at Christmas, and this one seems to be worse for some reason. But it's not worth losing my sobriety over.

--splitimage

[notz]

Chunky dunking?!? Oh, now that is funneeeey!

Hope you enjoy the different music today. No tree here, I could care less. I need to get my obligatory wreath out of the attic and slap it on the front door and that will be about it!

Isn't it amazing how you can smell alcohol at 40 paces now, whereas it used to be you were convinced nobody knew it was mostly whiskey in your coffee mug!

I still add shots when cooking - Tabasco & Worcestershire! And I still burn things and I shake my head incredulously when things like that happen and mumble something like, "and I thought it was because I was drinking!" My best lessons are the ones that show me I am a normal human being. If I were drinking, I would make it about something else. Sometimes I still make it about something else! But I still don't drink.

[Capp]

Originally Posted by splitimage

Capp,

Thank you. Yes I am in a 12 step program. I've gotten so much from AA. I think part of me is feeling the NOW WHAT second year blues. I'm reading a book called second year sobriety that I got from hazelden, and I'm relating to a lot of it.

As for Christmas, once I stop being sorry for myself, I do know that I have options. Our local intergroup runs an all day drop in with live music and meetings on the 25'th so I can always go to that. Plus I know I'll see friends over the holidays. And I'm on vacation from work starting on the 16'th - so I know I can really ramp up the number of meetings I go to. I don't know if it's like this where you live, but up here, all the groups have Christmas grattitude meetings, which are usually by candle light, with food, where everyone shares about what they're grateful for. I really like them. And there are at least 9 in my immediate area that I can go to. My home groups is on the 15'th, and we always have a really yummy potluck so I'm looking forward to that.

I know that part of what's got me down / stressing is knowing I'm going to be on vacation. Yes I'm really looking forward to the vacation, but being home alone and feeling lonely is a really big trigger for me to drink. Lately my head has been telling me, that it would be ok, to just drink for a couple of days, except I know that that would be a major disaster so I'm not going to. I've planned all kinds of fun things to do on my time off so that I'm not stuck at home alone, and like I said I can always double up on meetings.

I just always get down at Christmas, and this one seems to be worse for some reason. But it's not worth losing my sobriety over.

--splitimage

splitimage,
I so relate to that second year blues--I turned into a smurf for most of that time...

Oh wow on your groups plans! I love the candlelit potlucks...some of us are not good cooks--like me--and it hides the labels from the local grocery store. They always appreciate the ton of business I give them this time of year.

"home alone and feeling lonely" Oh Joy. I felt that way, too, and I was surrounded by family and friends--all waiting to see if I was going to sneak a drink/drug.
What they didn't realize was I would have blatantly done it!
Naw, I wasn't defensive or anything...lol.
And the door did hit my arse when I left to go to yet another meeting...I could hear their sighs of relief for 14 city blocks.
I did what I had to do, though, and it kept me belligerently sober. At that time, holidays bordered on making me resentful about not drinking...
Then it dawned on me that I could make a conscious decision to stay sober and clean or get drunk/high/both. I didn't want to lose what I had--and that covers many things--just for a short-lived float-in-feel-good.
'Course the lights on the tree didn't have that special glow without something in my body...so I took my glasses off and achieved the same affect.

Yep, the seduction of just a few wouldn't hurt and I could always stop again. Then the memory of detox kicked in and scared the bejesus out of me.

"I know I have another drink/high in me. I know I don't have another recovery in me." So very true for me! Hey, when you are a unique antique you forget many things, but this is one I didn't forget...quite possibly because of the tattoo of it on my forehead? Cost me a fortune to have it removed, cost me a fortune for the makeup I then had to use out of respect for those used to color on my face...

splitimage, I sometimes use jokes about these things. It's not denying their difficulties, though. For me, if I don't find something to at least smile about then I'm in trouble...even if I have to use duct tape to put on that smile.
I can hop on my purple porcelain pity pot in a nano second.
I have to watch it because of my addictions, but also for my disabilities. I can take up residence in Woe-Is-Me if I have a hangnail, and I believe you understand how easy it can be to do it.

I believe in you.
Cap

[Capp]

Originally Posted by notz

Chunky dunking?!? Oh, now that is funneeeey!

Hope you enjoy the different music today. No tree here, I could care less. I need to get my obligatory wreath out of the attic and slap it on the front door and that will be about it!

Isn't it amazing how you can smell alcohol at 40 paces now, whereas it used to be you were convinced nobody knew it was mostly whiskey in your coffee mug!

I still add shots when cooking - Tabasco & Worcestershire! And I still burn things and I shake my head incredulously when things like that happen and mumble something like, "and I thought it was because I was drinking!" My best lessons are the ones that show me I am a normal human being. If I were drinking, I would make it about something else. Sometimes I still make it about something else! But I still don't drink.

SO--no B 'cause he's been really, really good...almost too good--did a wonderful boogie to all the music. Sigh, it takes so little to amuse him...something he very much deserves, though, after watching me drown my sorrows/happy times/worry times for years.
He's got to have a live tree with 14,000 lights and 15,000 ornaments on it. It does look good, too. Only 12 cuss words, too.

The infamous coffee mug...one of my yuckiest memories!
DeBoss walked into the party and like a damn fool, I added cream to a perfectly good cup of JW Red. I thought it would disguise what I was drinking. Heck he didn't care--he had his own jug of Canadian Mist. Fortunately neither of us were on call...in all fairness, though, I did not drink when I was on call. I might inhale the smell of Red but drink it.

Cooking?? Oh that's right! I used to do a lot of it...
When I stopped drinking, I stopped cooking for the most part...cooked twice a week, SO did the same so we did have leftovers and that kept us going. That was after the kids moved out and I locked the doors and threw away the keys.

I look back and think about the 12 hour shifts, doing the shopping, occasional cleaning, soccer mudder...and wonder how I got it done with 4-5 hours of sleep.
Guilt about the drinking. If I brought home more money for toys, etc. it made me a good mother...all my kids wanted was a sober mother. One year, that was my son's request in his letter to Santa. It's framed and in the front room...
Ouch!

Cap

[splitimage]

Capp,

Thank God for the ability to laugh at oneself. If nothing else I still have that, and it's saved me on more than one occassion.

When I was in university I shared an office with a guy who had a great sense of humour, but was a real down to earth realist. I've always been a bit of drama queen with a hot temper, so every time I'd fly off the handle, he'd put his hands together to form a small box shape and yell "perspective" How big a deal is it really? That brought me back down to earth pretty quickly - I still try to remember the box and perspective when I feel myself getting worked up over something now.

The other thing that keeps me going, is reminding myself that it could be worse. So whenever I start feeling sorry for myself, I try to remember when it was worse, and be grateful that at least it's not that bad. I may wind up being home a lone this Christmas, but at least I won't be in the ER hooked up to a bunch of machines going through a really bad detox, which is how I spent Christmas 06.

splitimage

[Capp]

splitimage,

I love the box visual. Thanks for sharing it with me.
An old friend used to ask me if I as going to remember it a month from now...
had I still been drinking, no (you know--the B word)
now I can say no 'cause I have senior moments. senior as in antique not as a year in college.

I have a lot of respect for you, splitimage.

Cap