Daughter having to deal with father's alcoholism

As an adult child of an alcoholic mother, I unfortunately married a man (now divorced) that is in third stage alcoholism and had to deal with the nightmare his drinking was causing within our family. Since my own separation and divorce from my husband, my adult children now have to deal with their father’s continued abuse of alcohol and the affects it has taken in his life. I am “still” trying to resolve my own issues with my elderly mother and what health and relationship issues her drinking has led to, but now need to help my 25 year old daughter deal with her father and his problems.

My daughter lives at her father’s house, although only stays there twice a week, however she is the only other person in the house accept for her father. My ex-husband has been through rehab three times (refuses any follow-up) and has continued to increase his drinking. Most days he consumes almost a handle of vodka a day, has extreme withdrawal when he is without alcohol, experiences DT’s, and chronic vomiting. In the past eight years, he has lost two jobs (one he was with over 20 years), and last week managed to be charged with his 3rd DUI (BAC < 1.6) along with a hit and run. Since the DUI, he has remained in a constant state of intoxication and not able to realize the extent of the problem he is now in.

At the moment, he is trying to place much of the responsibility of following up on the DUI upon my daughter by asking/insisting she contact the police station to find his car, cancel/make doctor’s appointments, along with verbal abuse when she refused to buy him more alcohol from the liquor store or call in to his employer saying he was sick. As many of you know, the alcoholic will become emotional, cry, or beg for answers to their problems, or to provide them with more alcohol. My daughter has been an emotional wreck the past two weeks with being afraid to come home and find her father dead; fearful he may be awake, and trying to control her emotions at work and to outside people.

As much as I am here for her to talk, cry, vent, or whatever she needs, I sometimes feel that maybe there is more I can do to let her know she is not responsible. It breaks my heart to see her in so much pain. Her brother, who lives with me, is just angry and trying to block everything out.

We did talk about counseling for her, including myself and son too, and will be following through with that this week. Any suggestions or tips from anyone with anything else I can do to help her would be greatly appreciated. I would rather have my ex dump on me honestly rather than my daughter and son. I find it unfair and cruel to put her through even more trauma than he has already put our family through.

((((((((pixiegirls)))))))))

I am so sorry to hear what you are dealing with. Unfortunately I know all to well the pain of how having a parent or even husband with it can effect the whole family.

What your daughter is learning to be is a co-dependant and that is not good for her at all. Ofcourse he will not stop, he still has someone around to pick up the pieces and what is she doing now, playing shoffer?

You all need to get help, go to an ACOA meeting or even an Al-anon meeting NOW. What you are describing is a very bad mindset for not only you but your children and it really is not fair to them. They will carry this for the rest of their lives and even blame themselves in some way. Get them help, please, they should not have to suffer.

Alcoholics will lie, cheat, manipulate anyone they can to continue to drink.
Because your husband did not get help to learn how to live a sober life one step at a time, well, no matter how many times he stops, he WILL GO BACK. Unfortunately many of them do not seek help until they lose everything and everyone. Then they finally admit they are powerless over the disease. And sadly many of them die because they cannot stop or do not get it. I am surprised that your ex is not having to go thru a program for the DUI. That would be the only thing that your daughter could participate in, an AA meeting to understand what her father needs to do.
But she and all of you need to go to a meeting that supports YOU. ACOA and Al-anon are very good for that because you are welcome, the other people there are just like you, so there is nothing to be embarrassed about. You may even find friends there that will be more supportive and understanding to you and your children.

Try going and keep in touch and let us know how you make out.

Open Eyes

I completely agree with Madisgram. Being an adult child of alcoholic parents I have gone to Al-Anon and it helped me immensely!! I found out that I was NOT responsible for my parents, and I did NOT have to look after them or rescue them if/when they got into trouble. By doing that, I would be enabling them. THEY are responsible for themselves, and if they got picked up, I'd be doing them a FAVOR by leaving them in jail !! My son is also an alcoholic, and I will NOT bail him out either. He will just have to stay there.

I'm a recovering alcoholic myself -- and I would have expected the same treatment. No one poured the booze down MY throat. I did it all by myself. If I was dumb enough to get myself in jams, then it was up to me to face the music. Plus I have NO RIGHT to take my misery out on anyone else. Thank God I saw the light and got sober.

Please -- ALL of you need to get some help. Do it as soon as you can before more damage is done to the family. God bless. Hugs, Lee

Thank you Lee and Open Eyes for your comments….and I couldn’t agree with you more. We talked about not only her getting help, but myself as well….if even to only help both the kids through this. I’ve suggested Al-Anon, but my daughter feels as though right now she would be more comfortable with individual therapy. As long as it’s some kind of counseling. I offered to go with her, especially since my ex’s alcoholism still affects me when it affects the kids and I listen to them vent. It might take a little while to get my son to agree to go. It broke my heart to hear my daughter keep apologizing to me a few nights in a row for “bothering” me by calling every night to talk about her father and his latest DUI fiasco, the arguments, verbal abuse and the “what happens now” questions. She felt that I shouldn’t have to listen to it since her father and I are divorced. I can only keep reminding her how much I love her and that she could always talk to me about anything. Having been through the wringer with her father and ongoing issues with my mother (72) admitting her own alcohol problem, she at least knows I can relate.

She has done a great job though of distancing herself whenever her father is intoxicated or belligerent, and will not buy him alcohol. Her guilt lately of course comes from her father’s continued manipulations by crying or remaining drunk for 8-10 days. His DUI is recent (although still on probation for his 2nd from two years ago), so treatment has not been ordered by the court yet. As is stands, he will have a mandatory year in prison for this current DUI. We are unsure of whether or not he still has a job, but it isn’t likely. His history of calling out sick over the past six months (almost every other week) for days led to him calling out (we think) since he was charged two weeks ago. He sobered up enough today to tell her he was putting his house on the market. She obviously can always come and live with me again, but he has mentioned that if she could find roommates to help pay the mortgage, he might not have to. Again, also not her responsibility. She feels bad for what the consequences of his DUI will bring, but there is nothing she can really do. It doesn’t help that he keeps telling her (since she is the only one that stays there) that he has no one except her. Note, he has parents and a sister. My son wants nothing to do with his problems.

We’ve had long discussions about when/if her father hits bottom or finally decides to complete any type of rehab, and she is well aware that most likely, he will only continue to drink. Even with this one “sober” day….it’s a matter of time (a few days max) before he begins a fresh binge. Discussions about enabling are daily, and she is aware of the trap so many of us fall into with that….hopefully that will make a difference.

The other night I did ask her if she wanted me to call her father to talk to him (even though I haven’t spoken to him in two years). She first said she did, then said not to call (I’m pretty sure because she didn’t want to bother me about it). I did let her know that my conversation to him would be to recommend he get into detox immediately, and to leave my daughter out of his drama. So far she hasn’t mentioned it again. I’m a little stuck on that one. What are others thoughts on my trying to set him straight in telling him he isn’t being fair to our daughter at all?

I really appreciate the input and apologize if I missed any points. It still is so hard (and embarrassing) to try and ask friends, etc. about the situation, so being able to post and vent is great. I don’t even bring my ex’s name up to my mother any longer because it causes arguments. She still loves him and thinks he is wonderful (regardless of all of the garbage and trauma he has caused), and writes his issues off as “that’s a shame” (can’t you love it, lol).

Pixie

It's been my experience, and that of many others, that even trying to shame them into going into rehab is just wasted breath. If they DO happen to go, they'll just end up checking out before treatment is done, or schmooze everyone just to be able to get out. They have to WANT treatment more than anything else - they have to WANT sobriety more than life itself almost, before it works.

So your talking to him would be useless, unless he's already decided he wants to get sober FOR HIMSELF. He can't do it for his daughter, or you or anyone else. This has to be done for HIM. And it doesn't sound like he's at that point yet.

I hope and pray he gets there soon, because he's getting close to possible alcohol poisoning. This is very dangerous. I hope you and your daughter are prepared for the worst.

Best of luck and prayers are coming your way (and his). God bless. Hugs, Lee

Thanks Leed. My daughter and I talked about again, and I felt that my calling would only lead him to believe it was okay to call me at all hours of the night and try keeping me on the phone for a number of hours. The chances of him actually being sober is also slim. He would never remember the conversation, but would remember somehow we spoke...and the calling circus would start all over. I really can't handle him dominatng my time at the moment, since I am dealing with my alcoholic mother who is now having dry drunk symdrome. She's attempting to set up some scheme to deceive the staff, doctor, and social worker in the physical rehab unit to discharge her home (lives alone) in a day or so. Since her 2nd hip replacement revision, she has barely made any effort to participate in the PT program so that she can become mobile again. It's hard enough dealing with one controlling and manipulating alcoholic...let alone two, lol.

On a good note, I lucked out today by meeting a Psychotherapist in my doctor's office who specializes in ACOA, dysfunctional families, and family counseling issues. I had a chance to talk to her for a good 5-10 minutes, and she seems great. My daughter and I will be seeing her on Thursday, and she has alreadly planned on going over various techniques my daughter can use immediately, and a couple she can use every time she goes home and he is awake....whether sober or intoxicated. My daughter said she already feels a great sense of relief just knowing that she can talk to someone and begin helping herself.

Wow, that's wonderful !! Someone was watching over you, that's for sure!

I'm so glad you'll be seeing this therapist. I'm sure she can help you immensely and especially your daughter! Actually you both will greatly benefit. PLEASE keep us posted on your progress. I really care. Hugs, Lee

Good for you pixie and your daughter too. Lee is right there is no way you can stop this man from drinking. The best case scenario is for your daughter to get him out of her life completely and have a life of her own.

I am glad you didn't call your ex, no that would not have accomplished anything at all. These people look for patsys and control them and it is best for him if he is left alone or even loses it all, and even goes to prison. After all, it was his own doing, he has to realize that somehow. And thank god he is not driving and endangering the lives of other innocent people.

Try to build a closer, better relationship with your daughter. I am so glad that you will be getting help. Lee is right, someone is looking out for you.

Keep us posted we will listen and offer our support.

Open Eyes

I'm not even 21 yet and I am a recovering alcoholic. 14-19 blacking out everyday. It took some tough love to make me realize I would have to stop. It IS possible to taper off of alcohol in a healthy way, and maybe your daughter could go to the court and request mandatory detoxification and rehabilitation for him, and perhaps talk to a judge about a way of threatening him into staying sober.

PIXIEGIRLS ~ How are you and your daughter doing??? I haven't seen an update from you in awhile. I'd really like to know how you are.

Please let us know when you get a chance. Hugs, Lee