[ilovebacon]

Hi all. Long story short - dad has been an alcoholic all my life. He was selfish, mean spirited and manipulative. He actually told me a number of times he was the 'master manipulator'.

Possible trigger:

He took pleasure in hurting my mom, myself and my siblings emotionally.

He always has money for alcohol and things he wanted but we sometimes went without other things. I remember being spanked for asking if we could make smores while camping at age 7 and

Possible trigger:

I mean really spanked. Hard.

I was terrified of him up until I was in my mid twenties. He kicked me out at 19 for literally no reason. I came home from school to the locks changed and could not get my clothing even. For months.

Since then (more than a decade has passed) I have kept contact(out of pity and fear of what he will do to himself) but when he felt like I wasn't paying him enough attention, he'd threaten suicide over and over. I hate to say it but he did it so often it's like the boy who cried wolf.

Since becoming a parent a few times over, these awful childhood and young adulthood memories come rushing back to me at odd times - like I only remembered the smores incident making s'mores with my children. And it makes me so angry. These memories just rush in and make me feel so used and make me want to break all contact. But it also makes me feel like I am being such a child. Becoming a parent has made me realize how truly awful he was.

He is still a complete alcoholic. Drinks at work. Been through rehab a few times. He's currently there. I try to be supportive and encouraging because he's pushed almost everyone away. But he seems to expect heaps of praise and attention for it but honestly, I am exhausted with him. Emotionally. I want and need to focus on my kids and spouse and myself. He feels so toxic yet I pity him and can't bring myself to not talk to him. I can't talk to my spouse as he does not understand. He says 'why bother? He treated you like trash. Most people would've left and never looked back. You deserve better'. And it's true.

Sorry this is so long. Any one else feel this way? How'd you move past it?

Thank you.

[bluekoi]

Your post brought back very unpleasant memories for me. It is good to face the fear and to share with others. Personally, I never was able to come to terms with it. I still hate him, even though he is no longer alive. I tried therapy, but it just ripped me apart. My husband, doesn't understand either. He is supportive, like yours, but has no concept of what is was like growing up (being at the mercy of) with an alcoholic parent(s).

I hope you can somehow come to terms with him. Thank you for having the courage to post this.

[ilovebacon]

Originally Posted by bluekoi

Your post brought back very unpleasant memories for me. It is good to face the fear and to share with others. Personally, I never was able to come to terms with it. I still hate him, even though he is no longer alive. I tried therapy, but it just ripped me apart. My husband, doesn't understand either. He is supportive, like yours, but has no concept of what is was like growing up (being at the mercy of) with an alcoholic parent(s).

I hope you can somehow come to terms with him. Thank you for having the courage to post this.

Thanks for your post. I'm sorry to have brought back some negative memories for you. It's just tough to navigate thought once I'd moved out and had my own life id be done with all my childhood. I guess it's just not that simple.

[brainhi]

Hello Ilovebacon. Know that you have understanding here. If you look through some previous posts in this forum...you will see many are in different stages of healing. It was also very hard for me to find understanding from friends or even family that lived with my alcoholic father.

I did eventually let go of my father completely... after decades of pain. I did have therapy/support as I did this. He is dead and I have no regrets - I know that is not what others would choose to do.

As I started to understand my past and my behavior that is a result of my past experiences, I started to become less angry. That anger and pain will get in the way of having a good life for yourself and your family.

I still carry some traits that are not helpful in my life but things are much much better.

Welcome.... I hope this is part of your journey to heal and live the best life you can. Do not let him haunt you and take all the good things in you.

[ilovebacon]

Thanks for your reply. I will definitely look through past posts about this. I'm sure I will find some great stuff.

It's true. I do need to let go of the anger I feel. It's definitely harder than I thought it would be though. He actually showed up at my house today...a brief visit that was going okay, until he began saying things to try to frighten my child. When I told him to stop, he lit into my husband and I, telling us how awful we are to him etc. For a moment I felt like a petrified child again, too afraid to stand up for myself, but then I realized that I can't keep giving him that power. I think I will get myself some counseling to sort through these emotions properly.

Thanks again.

[avlady]

i feel bad for you. now that they are dead that should give you some solace, for the one who is alive, take heed to the others and try not to let him get to you or your kids, i would get a restraining order.

[Mygrandjourney]

An alcoholic in the midst of his/her disease wants to pull in as many enablers as possible, no matter what their respective ages. I totally agree w/ avlady about protecting your kids (and yourself), no matter what buttons your dad tries to push. Best of luck and keep us posted.

[CosmicRose]

You have no obligation to him, it doesn't matter if he's your father. You do not need to contact him, for any reason. Only contact him when/if you want to. I know what its like to have an abusive parent and not want to have anything to do with them, but keep crawling back to them, whether its hoping they'll change or out of pity. Sometimes for me it's even out of necessity financially, which is the worst. So if you don't absolutely need to, then don't. It's hard but it gets easier. For example, if you go no-contact the first year, but feel super guilty, then send a card or a quick phone call but leave it at that and move on with your day. Don't get sucked into any emotional blackmail or manipulative games. Be aware of that but you can still put on a nice face and a short conversation and be done with it. That's what I do these days. I get pissed at myself for being nice - but if it means keeping the peace, then so be it.

[ilovebacon]

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

You have no obligation to him, it doesn't matter if he's your father. You do not need to contact him, for any reason. Only contact him when/if you want to. I know what its like to have an abusive parent and not want to have anything to do with them, but keep crawling back to them, whether its hoping they'll change or out of pity. Sometimes for me it's even out of necessity financially, which is the worst. So if you don't absolutely need to, then don't. It's hard but it gets easier. For example, if you go no-contact the first year, but feel super guilty, then send a card or a quick phone call but leave it at that and move on with your day. Don't get sucked into any emotional blackmail or manipulative games. Be aware of that but you can still put on a nice face and a short conversation and be done with it. That's what I do these days. I get pissed at myself for being nice - but if it means keeping the peace, then so be it.

You are totally right. I am not obligated to him. It's hard to move past that feeling of obligation though, isn't it. It's now been 2 weeks of no contact. He's close to one of my brothers because that brother can't see or doesn't want to see past his manipulation. Anyhow, my dad related the run in to my brother and completely left out key parts, painting a picture of how he was a total victim and I was incredibly rude out of nowhere. This brother tends to side with my dad, sadly. So frustrating. He always does this - plays the victim to whoever will listen and side with him. He basically spreads lies and tries to turn whoever he can against you. I'm going for 1 month of no contact. I will call him on his birthday. Just feeling like a fool that he can get under my skin. Argh!!!

Cosmic - I'm sorry for your situation as well. I really hope you can free yourself emotionally and financially from your parent.

Thank you allow you for your support and advice/insight. It's really helping me.

[CosmicRose]

My mom always plays the victim, and my half-sister sounds like your brother. They go back and forth bad mouthing me even though I haven't spoken to my half sister in three years for similar reasons. My mom should win an Oscar she's so good at playing the victim. She always leaves out key parts too, and just morphs the story around to fit her own ego. It's like she's totally oblivious to any wrong-doing she's ever done. For example - if she's abusive, and I yell back at her or confront her on her behavior, she will wonder why I'm treating her badly...like, what? It just doesn't make sense. I guess she expects me to take her abuse lying down. Just pretend you're too busy. That's what I always do. If my mom calls me I let it go to voicemail - because I'm "too busy", too busy watching TV lol jk. 1 month no contact isn't that long, its actually somewhat normal for adult children to not keep in constant contact with their parents, even if they have a good relationship. I've gone years without speaking to my mom before, and when I started talking to her again, she hadn't changed at all.

& Thanks, me too! That's why I refuse to argue with her anymore. I keep her around in case of an emergency but that's it.

[Mygrandjourney]

Also, I recommend Googling the term "drama triangle" for more insight. Hugs!