[ilovebacon]

So, my alcoholic father has successfully been dry since the end of June. And while that is an admirable accomplishment and I truly am happy for him, he somehow thinks that means that none of what he has done matters anymore and that everyone should just be super close to him. He told me that he can't change the past so it doesn't matter. And that besides, in his opinion he was a perfectly loving and nurturing father(he was anything but). He also told me he only has to admit his wrongs and take responsibility for them and apologize before a priest and that he owes the rest of us nothing.

Since leaving his umpteenth stint in rehab, he has been more agreeable, but his negative traits still shine through. He does try a bit but the only time he's visited since he was trying to scare my 6 year old then stormed out(telling me how rude I am and how much he hates my husband)when I told him to stop.

He has always enjoyed being manipulative and 'stirring the pot'. He enjoys seeing people uncomfortable and takes pleasure in knowing that he's caused them trouble, especially if he's caused trouble between them and their significant other.

He also has and still 'embellishes' the truth. I've caught him since rehab.
I don't trust him. And I never will.

I feel a certain amount of obligation towards him. I don't make an effort to keep contact though, nor does he unless the mood strikes him. I call once every month or 2. I've seen him at one family function. He ignored me and my children. Even when one asked him to play. He also recently showed up uninvited to one of my siblings homes late at night after he found out all of his kids and their friends were having a get together. He walked in and just stole the floor. Commandeered all conversation.

I'm rambling and very sorry all. I'm sure you've all been here before. I just have no one else that understands this. My husband is very kind and compassionate but can't see why I even think twice about my dad. And to be honest, neither do I.

[Skeezyks]

Hello ilovebacon: I'd have to admit that I agree with your husband... & with that honest part of you that you mentioned at the end of your Thread. I used to know a person who liked to say: "If you want to know where the bullet is going to go, look down the barrel of the gun." From what you wrote, it sounds as though you've been around the block with your dad enough to know where things are headed.

From my perspective, ultimately each of us has to take responsibility for ourselves. And if we will not, or even if we cannot, at some point those around us must do whatever it is they need to do to protect themselves. So, from my perspective, it is time for you to do what you need to do to protect yourself, your relationship with your husband, & perhaps most important, your children. I wish you well as you continue to struggle with this difficult situation.

[Cat_Lover_58]

Sounds like my father to a good extent. Mine quit drinking years ago and that's all he had to do as well. There are no amends to us 3 kids, he does not make an effort toward his 6 grandchildren, and he mentioned to my sister that my brother was the one who was mean...in a certain situation. Really? No dad, it was you and never would my brother do what you did. (not worth the gory details just now)

I have no clue as to why dad is this way. He's in FL, in decent enough health for now as he just finished a few months of chemo for bladder cancer. I call him every month or so. I don't know if I'll get to see him before he passes. I'm not sure if I want to.

I do know the tough spot you are in! I think I owe it to myself and my children to take care of myself. It's been many hurtful years of his doing. I was a little hurt kid and now a hurt grown kid. He is just that way. At 83.5 I doubt he will change.

Sending you well wishes...do what feels right for you.

[TerriLynn]

Bacon: Just because he is dry, doesn't make him not an alcoholic, subject to the same behaviors. Especially if he is not going to some sort of ongoing treatment like AA. You also might try ACOA meetings, they are very helpful.

While my sister was pregnant and for a year or so after she had her baby she didn't drink, but she was just a dry drunk, not recovering. It was still just as bad.

[brainhi]

It took me many years to let go of my dad. There were those that could not understand how I could still love him with the way he treated me and some others in the family. Then there were those outsiders that saw him as the charming, smart, great sense of humor.. those people could not understand why I did not think my father was just great - they never witnessed how awful he could be.

I loved him and wanted his love very much. My mom had bipolar... there was really no one to take good care of us and show us love and security.

I finally let my dad go... this took a long time and lots of therapy, research and understanding. He died an alone drunk.... and I am doing a pretty good job at navigating my life.... as I choose to live it.

Looking back I feel sorry for him... it took a long time for me to get past my anger and pain to see that. With the efforts I did make, there was nothing I could do to save him...
my heart and brain are good with that.

[Curry]

I understand. My Mom is an alcoholic. I love her and always will. I look behind her disease and see a beautiful, honorable, sensitive, clever, person. Her behavior has been abusive to me my whole life, even now, she won't come to the phone to tell me the details of my Dad's stage 3 cancer. However, loving her is part of who I am. My love is part of me I want to pass on to my children. It doesn't mean I can't walk away when she is playing with me like a cat with a mouse. I don't even have to talk to her, but I can still love her. I go to Alanon, talk to a lot of people, on how to deal with her disease. I search how I can learn how to respond like a decent person no matter what wrong she commits. I used to roar at her.