Losing it/My story

I appreciate your replies. Truly, I do. But I find them hard to believe. Can you all honestly say that without a hint of trepidation? Even offline, face to face? If you knew all that I've done?

You haven't burried your kids in the garden like that lady in France have you?

That's the standard for being evil? No, I haven't.

I like you too Meyers, even from the beginning. There are people who aren't psychopaths who do evil things too.

You needn't lie to spare my feelings. I don't have any... I would like complete honesty, if you don't mind.

I'm not lying Meyers. I respect that you're working on keeping yourself on the right path. You have always behaved yourself here in the forums, except for calling me a liar lol. I tell the truth.

I dont know the things you've done.......but I am christian......and a completely imperfect human...and not to whip out my bible.....but..."do unto others as you'd have them do unto you"...and.."for ALL have sinned and fallen short"....there is no human w/o sin.And to boot I am not your judge....simply a fellow human in this prison of "life"....hoping for emancipation.I do not 'get along' with everyone......and cannot...and do often judge...tho' I know better....but I .....truthfully feel compassion for everyone...whether I 'like' them or not.I can love them anyways.People here and IRL have ticked me off to no end but if they were in need of help...I'd do what I was able...I don't know what that says ...hmmm I'm rattling me thinks....akk...in saying that ppl tick me off...i need to put out there...I have ticked OTHERS off to no end...too bad there's no "life edit button"...(just sayin')

Ask away!

~~wow...hmmm

wow I seriously think you should write a novel.....I know we would read it. But you are only 28? Your life is just priming up....wait a few years...but start the book now, for your kids' future. I am really impressed with your ability to rationalize and deal with your situations head on... go for it. You remind me of the book "Feel the fear, and do it anyway" pushin forward through the obsticles of life. I am proud to call you a friend. And We wish you the best of luck.

I should? I think further and more substantial research is needed. If I do write a book, it will more than likely be of my experiences as a psychopath as well as information on the topic. And I don't want to be the next Sam Vaknin.

dear Michael, I wish i had something pithy and supportive to say,,, i just took the time to read this whole thread, and much of it resonates with me, as i have revealed in our chats. Let me just say, that you are welcome in any chat i am in, and you may believe that whatever i say is what i believe to be true, at that moment. on the other hand, i don't see why it's any more impressive that you are seeking to better yourself, than that any of us are. yes, perhaps you are the lucky one, to not be tormented by emotions, memories of pains that never heal,,, how ever it is, welcome to my world. please feel free to be as honest with me as you would want me to be with you,, i need both kinds of feedback too. i truely hope you find some way to gain mastery over the rage, i know it is not easy, nor quick, but there is always Practice Practice Practice,, be seein' you soon, i hope,,, Gus

Or maybe it's not worth it. How the hell am I supposed to combat my very own nature? Especially when I don't care... I can't care... And regardless of however good I pretend to be, and how much I try to hide that darker side of me, I'm still seen as a monster.

Hiya,

man, I'm so glad you posted, it offers a lot of insight into what you have to go through.

All I have is a little college and a few ideas-I want to specialize in APD.
I hate that there is little help for APD, and that really drives me crazy becuase everyone just gets so mad at the way you are, they don't realize how hard it can be just to "function correctly" in everyday life. You've got a lot on your shoulders man, and I'm blown away in your perserverence-you never stopped trying.

Think about just the idea of what you go through-
you don't want to hurt your family, you constantly gotta be on top of yourself and watch for impulsive behavior, you have to keep your anger in check-dang man, who knows what else, those alone are a hefty plateful!

I don't even understand how society wants you to care so much, when in turn they just get mad at the way you are-and do the same thing to you-not care about you! Such hypocrisy.

Your dad didn't care about you, your mom didn't stand up for you guys, showing little care in that regard too, and people expect you to even know how or understand care?

I donno man, I just believe we can't fight apathy with apathy.
Thank you for trying, and by your post, I'd say your efforts are making huge leaps of progress.

People have no sympathy for any sort of predator, and I don't expect that to change. And, yes, it is a disheartening notion. It definitely encourages the "us and them" mentality.

And, yes, I do have to watch myself and struggle with my inner rage quite often, lest I hurt others. But I suppose it's no different than people with depression struggling with their inner sorrow, lest they hurt themselves. The difference... If someone with depression allows their guard to slip and hurts themselves ... or even someone else (within reason) ... they're pitied, and people yearn to help them. If a psychopath slips for only a second ... even if we don't hurt someone, but just allow our true "selves" to be seen ... we're despised or feared. We're not allowed the freedom to slip once in awhile. Maybe that's why I'm here ... to know the feeling of acceptance even when my mask slips. But it hasn't yet, not entirely. Maybe I'm here to craft a better facade. Or maybe I just enjoy the conversation. I don't know.

A question, if you will... Would you, the reader, still bother with conforming to society's idea of "healing" and "bettering oneself" if all of society hated you regardless of how good you tried to be?

I actually thought about that once...if I was APD, what would be my motivation to change if I could not feel stuff like other people? Other than avoiding incarceration, I really do not know. So how is Nickie doing?

She is doing lovely, thank you for asking. Working a lot, but she enjoys it...