"Is there anything left, left of me to save?

Deleted.

Deleted.

Ah...you explained too personal; was gonna ask why deleted;

Take care,
-obj

Yeah, was going through a bit of a personality crisis. Not that it's still not a huge issue, but I'll survive. I just wish you could actually delete your damn threads. Blah.

meh. i rarely edit posts (unless its to add a further thought or correct a blatant typo). what (if i make so bold as to inquire) is your diagnosis shay?

Be as bold as you'd like to be! I'm not a shy creature.

Currently? Bipolar Type I, OCD, & NPD. I've only ever been evaluated once at one of those small county clinics where you can get therapy/medication on a sliding scale based on financial situation. I never went back & haven't had any insurance or ability to go back to one of those types of places... Though my dx doesn't explicitly say ASPD, I really cannot deny that I have a great deal of symptomatic features, even outside of mania. I'm not exactly sure whether I would constitute as a "malignant narcissist" or antisocial, as the evaluation wasn't that intensive.

BP is a gigantic pain in my *** on a regular basis, OCD isn't really all that bad in recent years, but the NPD/whatever other associated personality features wind up feeling like this deftly detectable rot that sneaks up on me every so often. I'm used to it being there, yet I'm not used to handling it properly. As you may or may not have cared to read on the other thread, I often feel in a place of comfortable self-imposed delusion in that I can function perfectly well as long as I trick myself to do so... Meh.
My motivation is fading & I have no logical outlets anymore. Being dealt a **** situation in life was at least advantageous in that I had outlets that wouldn't make a difference... I'm having a hard time coping actually being under circumstances in which I should & am supposed to be happy. I have no idea how to process it or do something with the pent up energy that wants to sit back & watch everything destroy itself, whilst laughing & drinking a fine merlot.
At a loss.

ah, well thank you for your openness. the reason i asked if it would be too forward... was that i had no idea what you had written in the (now defunct) post at the beginning of this thread.. for all i knew it could have been your dx...

yeah my motivation comes and goes for sure. i function in what i call "cycles".. i'll follow a basic modus operandus for a while, until it no longer entertains...and then i'll swithc, and several switches down teh line i come full circle and off i go again. posting on message boards is one of my cycles, for instance... i'll be online every day for a while, then i get tired of it and i find something else to do.. i haven't been online in over 8 months until a couple of weeks ago. and only now am i getting around to posting actively. it'll be this way for a bit, and then i'll be gone again

cycles.

Haha it's fine, really. It's all just a lot of the same. Some rectangles are squares, but not all are... Meh. I was up for too long yesterday, so I got kinda verbose.

I know what you mean. Lately I've been trying to be involved in things that are supposed to be really important & it's like... I'm usually a very determined person if for no other reason than to make sure I get the credit I deserve for what I do. But I've just been having such a hell of a time giving a damn about anything.
I do the same thing with forums, namely this one. I only joined relatively recently & I've already had a hiatus. I sense another one, but I could be wrong. Lol