Feel stifled or maddened by themselves? By their inability to properly connect or invest emotional worth into certain things, like goals or interests... I've just been extremely angry recently, a lot of it for this reason.
Music & literature, specifically poetry, are very important to me. I used to even be known for writing a lot up until the past year, when things have gone downhill within my mind due to being wholly self-realizing. But I was never even able to connect to my writing. It was all a bunch of metaphors thrown onto a piece of paper in rapid succession to parade around as a piece of well thought out & meaningful writing. The same with my short stint in oil pastels & painting, along with the sparse drug-induced imagery. And music does stir this strange euphoric feeling within me if it's something really well constructed, but I don't have any way of translating that energy to... Anything useful.
It just pisses me the **** off. Not to sound like a narcissistic jackass (iiironnyyyyy), but I feel like there's this strange little ball of potential welled up inside of me that is completely inaccessible & only exists to make me infuriated. There's potential for something larger, but there's no way of getting to its core.
The only reason I posted it here is I think it could be related somehow... That's just how it intuitively feels & it's the only thing that makes sense to me right now. Other than the obvious possibility that perhaps I haven't found my calling yet, but even if I did, what would be the motivation if I couldn't truly enjoy in every essence what I was doing? What would be the point of investing my energy into something when I was only getting a half-assed representation of what it is?
Any thoughts would be appreciated. Sorry for the ranting. I'm just struggling to find coherence when it comes to expressing... Whatever this is.

[unaluna]

It's the journey, not the destination.

Yeah, well the journey can choke on... Something.

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_d...&id=42811&cn=5
Go here to listen to Pema Chödrön talk about Don't Bite the Hook

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

I've just been extremely angry recently, a lot of it for this reason.

There's potential for something larger, but there's no way of getting to its core.

When I get to feeling helpless, the only way I know out of it is anger. I have to ignite the anger rockets to get me out of the helpless/hopeless mire.

I don't know how old you are but I would try to relax and quit struggling to get to the core right now, trying to force the potential, and would try to "float", on top of it all. I'm not saying act shallow, but rather, accept and wait. Keep doing the things you normally do and keep watching and wondering and collecting experiences. See if you can discover more subtle feelings, explore why you collect the "bunch of metaphors thrown onto a piece of paper in rapid succession" that you do (as opposed to others) and experiment with the music and try to get "degrees" of stirring.

Looks like you have an all-or-nothing sort of dichotomy of feelings going on? My therapist once said about me that it was like I had a broken thermostat; everything was the same weight. Later she commented, "a wet towel on the bed is not a murder" and I like that; I truly would react as strongly to a minor inconvenience (wet towel on the bed) as I would to the large, important happenings? I still often feel I need to be "hit in the head with a two-by-four" in order to "understand" some things. It's not supposed to be that way, that constant intensity.

I imagine you are now frustrated because you cannot imagine it any other way, can't imagine allowing the hopelessness to becalm you? You must feel! Use that energy to start looking for and try to see the lesser gods, find books to read that express how you feel but also show how to progress beyond that (I recommend Erich Fromme and To Have or To Be, http://www.amazon.com/Have-Be-Contin...dp/0826417388/)

[objtrbit]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

Feel stifled or maddened by themselves? By their inability to properly connect or invest emotional worth into certain things, like goals or interests... I've just been extremely angry recently, a lot of it for this reason.

Do you feel like any of these emotions had a trigger? Around when did you start feeling like you couldn't connect or invest into what you used to enjoy?

Music & literature, specifically poetry, are very important to me. I used to even be known for writing a lot up until the past year, when things have gone downhill within my mind due to being wholly self-realizing.

Anything in particular about self-realizing hit you pretty hard?

But I was never even able to connect to my writing. It was all a bunch of metaphors thrown onto a piece of paper in rapid succession to parade around as a piece of well thought out & meaningful writing. The same with my short stint in oil pastels & painting, along with the sparse drug-induced imagery.

I used to forget what I was going to say a lot, or write something and then delete or edit it; my mentor's response to me was: "wow, must have been good!"
The fact that you can't connect to writing makes me wonder if it is not written way too well-close to home. It happens to me once I finish a journal...for some reason I can never bring myself to read them again. This may not be what your case is, thought I'd throw that out there though.

And music does stir this strange euphoric feeling within me if it's something really well constructed, but I don't have any way of translating that energy to... Anything useful.

No way to express it outside of your mind?

It just pisses me the **** off. Not to sound like a narcissistic jackass (iiironnyyyyy), but I feel like there's this strange little ball of potential welled up inside of me that is completely inaccessible & only exists to make me infuriated.

Is this feeling familiar at all? Something existing just to infuriate you?
Either in past or your current life?

There's potential for something larger, but there's no way of getting to its core.

When you say you have potential, you feel like a narcissistic jackass?

The only reason I posted it here is I think it could be related somehow... That's just how it intuitively feels & it's the only thing that makes sense to me right now.

How do you feel it's related-what comes to mind first?

Other than the obvious possibility that perhaps I haven't found my calling yet, but even if I did, what would be the motivation if I couldn't truly enjoy in every essence what I was doing?

So at this point, even if you found your calling, you feel that you would be unable to enjoy it?

What would be the point of investing my energy into something when I was only getting a half-assed representation of what it is?

This statement reminds me of dissociation a little....sounds like your defense mechanisms may be up so high that while you're numb to things happening in your
life that could really be devastating if these were brought into total awareness-you are also in a "half here" mode maybe and therefore cannot fully feel connected.

One example of something like this would be procrastination-the mind is so angry and pressured on a more unconscious, pressing matter that it makes other things you would normally do much harder. I think that's my theory....you won't be able to find that in a book somewhere....but it makes sense to me with all the anger you feel.

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Sorry for the ranting. I'm just struggling to find coherence when it comes to expressing... Whatever this is.

Overall you seem to be going very hard on yourself-what happened in the past if you could not connect or express? Shot in the dark though and possible projection-but something to think about maybe.

Take care,
-obj

Perna: I'm 19 & I'm not feeling hopeless at all as far as this post is concerned. I am just very annoyed. Annoyed that something has been able to elude my grasp. I'm a very introspective person (read: self absorbed) & despise when I overlook things. Thank you for your input though.

Objtrbit: Since this is in the "antisocial" forum, one could only imagine that not being able to connect to one's emotions simply came with the territory! However, it has intensified in previous years, but perhaps that's due to my hormonal outbursts lessening in frequency. And my anger was triggered by nothing in particular but thinking to myself about perhaps pursuing something artistic & I snapped.

Nothing hit me particularly hard. I just have a hard time letting things go when I learn something new: So realizing I had mental issues a bit beyond "she's kinda strange" just gave way to a whole slew of ********. And all of that leaves little time for writing, especially when anything I had to convey was of little consequence.

That's very interesting, about the journal & mentor & etc.. I'm just not quite sure whether it is a total lack of anything relevent to say or it is just me not being able to view anything as relevent enough to inscribe. The line is incredibly fine between the two. I'm just not sure where I fit just yet.

"No way to express it outside of your mind?" Bingo!

A lot of things exist just to infuriate me. Politics, itchy tags in the back of my shirt collar, & other related nonsense. But this feeling has existed for perhaps my entire life... And yes, I feel like a narcissistic jackass by feeling I have this huge, boundless expanse of unlimited potential. Though it could be simply chalked up to a positive view on humanity & how "every person contains unlimited potential", that's not quite what I was getting at. I prefer to realize when I am stepping up on my pedestal.

Well, when it comes to an issue of not being able to emotionally invest into things which are usually refuge for the emotional, I figured this would be the best place in order to post an inquiry. To see if any of the other ASPDs/sociopaths/psychopaths have ever experienced anything of a similar nature. Perhaps I'm strange for experiencing an existential crisis or for being aesthetically-inclined at all, but it was worth a shot. Perhaps someone with more years of this condition on them would have greater insight.

I don't think this has anything to do with being dissociative, as I've experienced states as such before. Derealisation & depersonalisation both under periods of intense stress. However, the anger is a result of this issue, not a precursor. I'm actually doing incredibly fine now, other than a couple of unrelated issues; but this phenomena has existed long before now, as I have previously mentioned. Nothing at all is devestating me. I just want the opinion of others into whether they have experienced something similar & was merely stating a personal anecdote to clear up what I had meant by my initial inquiry.

This has nothing to do with the past or any sort of trauma & I am not being hard on myself. I am just trying to get to the bottom of an existential crisis & wanted to start up a conversation to possibly find some answers or input. : )

Have you thought of changing your pen point from fine to medium so your writing has more depth?

[unaluna]

Ha if width were depth then I'm the deepest thinker you know!

"Never" able to connect with your writing? I kinda 'get you' on that.I experience that to a large degree.But,it spills over to many other areas in my life.I imagine that many 'artists'; in every realm of art, experience this feeling of disconnection from their 'works',even when they are very touching works of art, as perceived by others.I imagine 'useful' if you mean its impact on others,is subjective.But,if you mean applicable to self-fulfillment or feelings of accomplishment perhaps artistic endeavors in the lifetime of an artistic person,are a process of development and 'connection' that occurs over the course of an artists lifetime.Your 'feeling there is a ball of welled up potential within' is a whispering 'knowing'.You feel it because it IS there.And I think you will tap into it more deeply on occasions than at other junctures in life.No doubt there are circumstances in your life now...if only transiently,which are posing some form of barrier to your access to connection.Your talent and the formation of the process of its depth in relation to the talent;as with many artists ,will be a process.At 19,I can tell you,you are definantly evolved.And your ability to express yourself is pronounced.The importance of investing your energy is to further develop your talent.Do you really not receive accolades for your expressions in art endeavors....someone please tell me how to spell definantly....lol.I think you are a 'results driven person' who can't see the value of 'the process'.But I also feel that it'd be a very worthwhile investment of time to develop,as it is plain to see;in your writing,and ability to express yourself,that you do have alot of potential.You said,"I'm just not sure where I fit" and BING!,I think that's exactly the issue.But,don't discount the value of 'the process',because that is essential.Your writing inspiration will ebb and flow,that's normal.Even if it feels inconsequential to you ,it is still valuable as a process of development,and you've only hit a snag.I don't agree that it is narcissistic to feel a potential there,it ....is just a knowing/feeling that you have,and likely an inner whisper to keep going with your efforts.I think you will uncover a gradual reckoning in your 'process',and find your niche in this realm.

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

Feel stifled or maddened by themselves? By their inability to properly connect or invest emotional worth into certain things, like goals or interests... I've just been extremely angry recently, a lot of it for this reason.

Yes. Not often, but at times. And not only in creative works. For me, I focus on certain goals with blind obsession until I burn myself out and lose interest. But I've come to realise that it isn't a real, deep emotion that drives me to these things. It isn't passion, devotion, or anything like that. If someone asked me why it is I do the things I do, I'd have no f*cking clue. Quite frankly, I feel that my sole purpose in life is to alleviate boredom. Why do I fight for freedom? Why do I fight for equality of all people? Why do I fight for the distressing damsel being harassed in the seedy back alley by an equally seedy man? Because I'm bored, and I like fighting.

Most of the time I'm content with this knowledge and I simply look for the next cheap thrill. But when I allow myself to mull over the essence of it - that I have no real sense of purpose - it does tend to bother me.

Byz: Okay, you get a whole boatload of kudos, as that was ****ing hilarious!! I agree with hankster on that matter, though. :P

Wolfsong: The spelling is "definitely". And thank you for your input!

Michael: Not that I really needed validation, but that definitely makes me feel a bit better about the struggle I've been having. I've endured it a couple more times, but I suppose it is amplified by a lot of other issues that are going on. I hate this annoying, existential questioning. I usually have more distractions, but lately, my mind just obsessively goes back to it & my lack of purpose. Other than temporary fixations, there's just this incredible lack. On one hand though, from the conversations we have had, I am a bit more mild on the spectrum, so perhaps that coupled with age is why my inherent emptiness has a specifically different flavour than yours. I kind of hope it goes away with perhaps seeing something through to the end & having something to show for myself, but that's also a temporary fix. But it would be satisfying, at least. I'm an obsessive learner &... Just flat out obsessive. So I'm usually never content. I still think sometimes that I'm not wholly comfortable with where I am & who I am, in terms of this & in terms of most things, so that probably has a lot to do with my anger. Though you didn't offer more than your own experience, it actually helped me a lot. Danke, kind sir. *Tips hat*

[rubyindie]

you're young and will have a life full of things to feel annoyed abt. getting annoyed at many lil things. just think of this annoyance as causing ripples on the surface of your mind u just cant see the calmness and hidden treasures if you keep throwing stones of continuous and persistant thoughts causing more ripples. i feel you know what lies beneath the creativity (and the peace that comes with it) but you cant seem to sort out the surface thoughts to look deep within and that frustrates u. i can only advise u to seek some mind calming therapies or indulgences.this irritation will pass and u will be able to pen and do what lies within the depth of your soul.
experiment, explore and enjoy that will lead you to your path to artistic ecstacy.
prayers for you to find the courage and strength....