[AshRuckus]

Hello, I am obviously a female, I am overly, extremely intellegent, but that is something most people do not know. I feel like I have to fake all forms of emotions except for rage and a very vauge form of love. I find myself in a conversation with someone and have to focous on my facial expressions just so they dont find out that I could genuienly care less about them or anything they feel or think. I feel exausted after a few hours of 'socializing'. I can profile people in a heartbeat and change myself to mold into the way they are. Poeple to me are nothing, they are of no importance. their opionions are so uncessecary and stupid to me that i have a hard time not punching them in the face when they speak to me. i used to have alot of freinds, i used to be well liked by many. im not sure what happened. i embrace the way i am now. i know i am so much more intellegent that ninety percent of these people i am forced to be around and it sucks the life out of me. i fake everything, i lie about everything, even if it is unnecessary. People in my mind, are only objects. They mean little to me. this is a way of thinking that has just come to be within the past 2 years. i just have an insurmountable feeling of rage and it never goes away. i know that if you seek help for being a sociopath or 'antisocial personality disorder', the more modern use of the word, then more than likely you do not have it. but i just cant help myself but wonder. i was raised in a normal upper middle class family and to my knowlege and memory, nothing traumatic has happened to me to have me feel this way. Dexter is my favourite show by the way. I cant help but feel a type of freindship between us when i watch it. No i am not plotting on mass murdering anyone, even though i have thought about killing people in a very detailed sense before. I have also never hurt an animal. I appreciate animals, they dont care what you are. I know its like im rambeling but i dont know what to say, i havent the money for a proper visit to a therapist so this is all i can to. haha. noone in my life knows that i feel or am this way. not a soul. my mask is so deep and so complicated.i am very very interested in pschycology and forensic pshcycology and serial killers, so i know alot about self diagnosis. But i just need a proffesional opinion. I just cannot stand being so....hateful about everything and everyone all the time. all i can think of is ways to get our of things, the logic behind everything, the best way to get ahead, the best way to con this person or how to decive this other person. it gets so exausting. it is so strange to me because i am considred a very pretty girl, even model material, with rich pareents and a 'loving' boyfreind and anything else i would like in life. I embrace the way i am now, i love it, i always feel ahead. i always feel like i have the upper hand because of this. i have a very morbid personality and i love blood, actually very much. i know there is something 'wrong' with me. any insight?

[here today]

I’m not a sociopath but it feels like a part of me is. I’m female, too, been in and out of therapy for years. I’m not a professional – but it’s about to seem that I’m a “professional client”. Hopefully soon to “graduate”, we’ll see.

So, first off I have two questions: have you had a thorough physical lately? Did anything at all, no matter how small you may think it is, happen two years ago that could have felt demeaning or like you didn’t count to someone you cared about? If nothing happened just before you started feeling like this, then I’m serious that you should probably rule out anything physical. But if something did happen, even if it seems like it should be “nothing”, then there may be lots of old rage that you learned to repress or disconnect from as a child. It can sometimes surface in adulthood with amazing and surprising strength. I know this from personal experience.

[Girl_Interrupted]

If you are intelligent, then how come you can't paragraph your writing properly and spell such simple words?

A lot of bad grammar in there

You don't sound you have ASPD, by the way. If you know you have a problem and you don't enjoy being like it, then you don't have ASPD.

Of all the ASPD's I have spoken to, they wouldn't change themselves. They like how they are, because it's easy. I wouldn't either, to be honest.

Why do so many people think they're a Sociopath, just because they like a bit of blood and they're a bit 'badass' and 'b*tchy'? It takes a lot more than that.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
"If you are intelligent, then how come you can't paragraph your writing properly and spell such simple words?"

It's more likely that you, somewhere down the line, intentionally stifled your emotional capacity rather than were just programmed that way. Though the line can blur, it's only really one or the other... If you used to be different & now you are this way? It sounds more like a reactionary response vs. an organic one. But that's just my opinion which may run the risk of being inaccurate.
That & you don't have to be a "sociopath" in order to not give a **** about people's petty & worthless opinions. I find that most people just don't surround themselves with interesting enough people & sell themselves short, thinking that they are somehow "forced" to tolerate it. I've never had much of an issue finding people with interesting ideas & opinions.
I pretty much concede with GirlInterrupted though. The bits about having thought about killing people & liking blood & how you'd never hurt animals are absolutely irrelevant to any possible professional or self diagnosis of ASPD/psychopathy. You've read too many books about serial killers to distinguish that they are both very different, yet often interconnected, pathologies. Points for effort, though!

[objtrbit]

Hey there AshRuckus; (AshR for short?)

I think I'll start off with saying labels really suck when it comes down to it-and yet it can be so frustrating when we don't know what exactly is going on with ourselves too. Anything 'unknown' bothers us humans. ASPD is really complicated anyway-19million different terms, and if you're this that means you are also that and type this, but yet does not mean you are also this. lol

In addition I'm starting to notice that being considered ASPD is like getting into a VIP club lately, and fair enough because the 'club' is the only place you're going to get accepted if you have the disorder, otherwise you're generally hated everywhere, or no one even knows because you hide it well. So all the more worse if you are struggling in between or are perceived that way-what a cluster****.

That being said-sounds like you are not feeling content that you end up faking, lying, or seeing everything from a distance[?] (that is, seeing everyone as objects). Or maybe you are feeling curious about what life would be like if you didn't have to spend the energy dealing with people in that manner everyday?

Thought I should mention too that introverts get depleted of energy by socializing-I feel that first hand-I go through bouts of been so social on this sight to nothing for months-socializing in itself gets exhausting even when I am truly enjoying a conversation. People that are extraverts, however, can get energy from being social-I'm thinkin that is definitely not the case with you though.

Anger. Anger is really the bodies way of telling you that you have been hurt...lets say trespassed or offended. I am curious with "Here Today's" line of thinking, wondering why the change two years ago. And sure enough, even more curiosity concerning all the years before the last two.

If you are not feeling ecstatic about having to cope everyday instead of just being able to live everyday, then you have every right to want to question it. I really don't think antisocials would want to stay the way they are if they realized how difficult their lives were or know different, but since I am not ASPD I don't want to assume anything, nor do I want anyone to change if they are content with themselves.

Wanted to borrow this line from girl_interupted:

"Why do so many people think they're a Sociopath, just because they like a bit of blood and they're a bit 'badass' and 'b*tchy'? It takes a lot more than that."

It really does have to suck when you've had to live a certain way your whole life and then someone tells you they can relate but doesn't or can't even begin to understand the half of it-it's frustrating and maybe disappointing too. There are so many cliche's out there that society believes and assumes, and a lot of people out there who think they can just read up on "psychopaths" and think they know them or share a connection-when this happens it makes the disorder seem all too easy and transparent. Liking the sight of blood and the desire to hurt animals, and the additional example I'll add here- laughing at a funeral. These so surface level. I have to imagine it is like becoming blind mid-way through life and someone saying "yeah I got bleach in my eye once and couldn't see anything for a day so I know how you feel". Would that not be robbing the blind person of the gravity they experience?

This is where I start to feel like an *** for speaking for ASPD's, so it would be cool if someone who has ASPD would take it from here in their experiences, if they want.

So AshR, I'm not trying to downplay your situation either, but wanted to give you an idea of why the strong reaction, which is still not even my right to describe. What you experience is what you experience, and I would try and find the things in this life that make you feel the most content with who you are-you may need help doing so. I found my therapist through psychology today-its kind of a neat site because it tells you if they are sliding scale (will adjust cost to your income or lack of) and what type of therapy you want. Its pretty cool I only pay $25 and I am very happy with the therapist. Don't know if I'm allowed to refer to websites on here so discretion advised or something, I guess.

Take care and good luck,
-obj

"If you are not feeling ecstatic about having to cope everyday instead of just being able to live everyday, then you have every right to want to question it. I really don't think antisocials would want to stay the way they are if they realized how difficult their lives were or know different, but since I am not ASPD I don't want to assume anything, nor do I want anyone to change if they are content with themselves."

That's a really interesting point, not meaning to detract from the OP & her identity crisis. And I'm more than happy to help you out with this one...
As far as I know, the consensus varies from one individual to the other. Just like the way some emotionally-healthy people wish they 'couldn't feel anymore so they wouldn't get hurt' & some people embrace their ability to feel. Some antisocials have a harder time with interpersonal interactions & wish things were easier. Meanwhile, not being as sensitive or as affected by moral standards has its own benefits when within the right hands.
I'm a bit over the fence on this one. I've still got a great deal more thinking to do, because it is both my poison & my antidote... I appreciate the better qualities & the bad. Just like any quality in a person. Emotional strengths & weaknesses, intellectual, physical, etc.
Everyone wavers between contentment & discontent. I think & over-analyze far too much, so I perhaps recognize this more than many of my peers. That & my severity perpetually increases with my manias/psychotic states... So I may very well be an exception to the rule.

And hey! We're not a VIP club.
It's just difficult because every online outlet for people with ASPD is incredibly saturated with either (a) people wanting everyone else to diagnose them as antisocial or (b) people complaining about their antisocial family members/friends. While most everyone else here isn't entirely talkative, it's just a bit infuriating to see the same posts over & over again. They may as well all be copying one another because the content is the exact same every time.

Astute response to her query, though, obj.

[ArrMCee]

are most people with aspd alone?

No, that's a misconception. Some are incredibly extroverted & surrounded by superficial/gainful friends. Some keep smaller circles. Some keep no friends at all. Everyone does not cease to be an individual... However, it is difficult to maintain long-term & deep relationships with friends or significant others, no matter how severe or mild someone is, as it takes much more work on both ends. The antisocial needs to be willing to make certain compromises (this willingness usually can only be derived from a specific benefit, IE the desire for a confidante or stability). Meanwhile the partner or friend needs to understand the other person & willing to be patient with that... In reality; isn't that how all relationships work, to a degree?

Originally Posted by ArrMCee

are most people with aspd alone?

I suppose this would also depend on co-morbidity with another personality disorder like Schizoid PD.

Yeah, because not only would they feel alienated & annoyed by social norms, they would feel no desire for human contact whatsoever. I overlooked that.

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

Yeah, because not only would they feel alienated & annoyed by social norms, they would feel no desire for human contact whatsoever. I overlooked that.

Well I was reading on one website. 50% of serial killers have psychopathy and schizoid PD along with sadistic PD.

When it comes to the pathology of serial killers (& assholes in general), it's really disheartening that sadistic PD is so often overlooked. A vast majority of people assume that most people with ASPD or NPD are immediately sadistic as well... While that's certainly not ALWAYS untrue, I think the issue is more about a general disconnect & a lack of sensitivity/compassion rather than emotional/physical sadism being a constant motivator. It's rather a side-effect, I suppose?

[ArrMCee]

I'm so confused. I have not one meaningful relationship with someone.. but I have many "friends." Everyone is just kind of there for something.. my friends that will go out drinking with me (hate them in a way) friends that will let me smoke their weed (nothing in common) co-workers that I just want to have sex with. I feel unattached from life sort of..

There are a great deal of things that can detach someone from "life". Mainly expectations of what it's supposed to bring you. IE life is not giving me enough meaningful relationships, therefore I am unattached to it. Talk to a therapist if you're still concerned about not having these things, but in the meantime? Focus on the things you ARE capable of having on your own. Just because you have problems with interpersonal relationships doesn't mean you're incapable of everything else. Perhaps take a little advice from your signature, eh?

[ArrMCee]

Thanks. I will. I just feel like I'm doing a complete 180.. Usually the guy that gets everyone involved in going out.. Now I'm the guy that no one hears from or no one calls anymore to go do anything

[ArrMCee]

I kinda feel like Barney stinson from how I met your mother

[halmegamb1]

you're not alone. don't hide how you feel. express yourself to those around you. why is there something wrong with you and not everybodyelse? tell me about the blood. is it the taste, the smell, the feel, what???