[leomama]

I'm going to try something here as I'm wading out into the waters of personality disorder advocacy elsewhere.

My ex husband has sociopathic traits. That is not my opinion but a therapist's opinion. We have a teenage daughter so I have to interact with him.

There is a point to this story so please bear with me.

My father has narcissistic traits, again not my opinion, a therapist's opinion.

I had a PD NOS for which I was successfully treated.

Today when people don't like how I present they like to label me as a narcissist, which I am not, and never have been.

I actually like my dad and have compassion for him.

So that brings us to the title, compassion for a sociopath.

I notice that Doc John has created this as a safe place to talk about ASPD.

I know there is a book called Loving the self absorbed, it is the only book of its type, and its about how to have a successful relationship with a person with NPD.

Now I'm happily divorced, I have no interested in getting back together with my ex, that is not what this is about, but, since he's my child's father, and he has sociopathic traits, I'm trying to see if I can have some more compassion for him.

Does this make sense?

It is not my intention to offend anyone as I am a guest in this forum so I apologize ahead of time if I do.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

I am not quite sure that it does make sense as such - can you clarify?

May I contribute?

I have compassion for someone with very strong ASPD/sociopathic traits. I love this person although he has done things that were dishonest, abusive, burglary and more. All directly to me. He's my brother. We went through so much as kids and I think it greatly changed him. It made him what he is today. I have compassion for him and I've accepted what happened. I am sad because his entire life has been difficult. I am sad he cannot care about me like I do for him. He's not capable because he has no empathy, of course.

My ex-husband, a diagnosed narcissist...I'm not quite there yet in feeling compassion. I do feel sorry for him. He's not a happy person. He never will be. I accept what he did to me, but I think he did awful things. The deception is nearly unforgivable, but I accept what happened. Otherwise, it would hold me back. And I'm going forward, not backward.

I also don't like how he interacts with our daughter. She doesn't either. She will be going to college soon so it will become much less significant. I do think that's holding me back from having compassion. Or I may not ever get there. He did a lot of damage to me over our 18 years. I am always polite to him although part of that is for self-preservation.

Leomama, I hope it's ok I contributed...I thought it might facilitate discussion, it's an interesting topic. If this thread was meant only for you, let me know and I will delete. Thanks.

[leomama]

I appreciate the contributions!

I have a situation on my hands where I am really struggling to accept my ex's incompetence.

My dad has NPD traits and he wasn't a help to me either.

I did pick someone similar to my dad in some ways.

Today I'm not feeling compassion , I'm feeling frustration .

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Sorry you had a frustrating day. xo

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[leomama]

Originally Posted by rainyday107

Sorry you had a frustrating day. xo

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It ended better then it started, at least my daughter is home for the night. I'm working on another post for this forum, hope to have it up tomorrow. thank you

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[Atypical_Disaster]

What are your goals in having said compassion? Do you think having compassion towards him would make matters easier for you? If so, can you explain your reasoning?

Also, no need to answer my questions if you don't want to. No pressure from me, I'm just making my rounds so to speak in this forum because I am diagnosed with ASPD although I'm not a primary psychopath.

[leomama]

Good question. I guess I'm trying to manage my expectations. I still keep expecting him to act like a proper father.

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[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by leomama

Good question. I guess I'm trying to manage my expectations. I still keep expecting him to act like a proper father.

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Well, if he has strong sociopathic tendencies then odds are he's never going to get an award for his parenting skills. I understand why you have those expectations, I think most people would in your situation! However, those expectations have the potential of being downright unrealistic depending on just how far he is on the ASPD/psychopathy spectrum.

If you could give more detail about what sociopathic traits he has, that would be great. It's hard for me to have much of an opinion at all when I'm working with such limited information.

[leomama]

I can speak in generalities publicly, but would rather keep details private. Criminal behavior . He has a record. He doesn't finish what he starts. Substance abuse. Drug dealing. Employment problems. Neglecting his daughter. I don't think compassion is the answer. I think detachment is.

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[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by leomama

I can speak in generalities publicly, but would rather keep details private. Criminal behavior . He has a record. He doesn't finish what he starts. Substance abuse. Drug dealing. Employment problems. Neglecting his daughter. I don't think compassion is the answer. I think detachment is.

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I see. Based on that, I also think detachment is your best option. If you feel any compassion towards him or show it, he'll play you with it for all its worth.

[hazn]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

I see. Based on that, I also think detachment is your best option. If you feel any compassion towards him or show it, he'll play you with it for all its worth.

This sounds more sensible to me.

[leomama]

Yes I've been down that route. He wanted to take our daughter out of school to see his family and I had to tell him that wasn't ok. It's very hard communicating with him.

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[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by leomama

Yes I've been down that route. He wanted to take our daughter out of school to see his family and I had to tell him that wasn't ok. It's very hard communicating with him.

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Why is it hard to communicate with him? Is it that he doesn't care about your point of view? Does he lie a lot? Just want to make sure I'm understanding this correctly...

[leomama]

Both, and he's intentionally cold and harsh .

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[hazn]

Originally Posted by leomama

Yes I've been down that route. He wanted to take our daughter out of school to see his family and I had to tell him that wasn't ok. It's very hard communicating with him.

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I don't think showing him compassion will make communication any better. Rather, he may see it as a weakness and try manipulate you some more. Establish strong boundaries and stick to them.

[Atypical_Disaster]

My advice to you would be to not give him anything that he can manipulate, be it feelings or something else. Don't give him an inch because well I think you already know what happens when you do that.

[leomama]

You're right. Its hard for me to accept this. I had an awful phone call with him last week when I got an email from the school about not missing one day of school for family vacations. He doesn't get school email because he doesn't make the effort. Then I had to tell him that she didn't have a phone again because she dropped it in the toilet at her boyfriend's. Previously when her phone was out of state because I sent it someone to repair, he'd accuse me of interfering with communication so I wanted to let him know it wasn't me. He of course attacked for allowing her to have a boyfriend. He has never taken responsibility for providing a phone for her even though he benefits from her having one. I was like allow her? No I don't allow her. She does what she wants. He of course blames me for that too. He's not at all involved in her life beyond paying child support and taking her back go school shopping . It's a mess.

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[Atypical_Disaster]

It seems most people have a hard time accepting the reality of a situation like this, and I've always wondered why that was because I'm very different in that way.

The best way to deal with an antisocial is to engage with them as infrequently as possible and to keep all necessary interactions as short as possible.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

My advice to you would be to not give him anything that he can manipulate, be it feelings or something else. Don't give him an inch because well I think you already know what happens when you do that.

Yes. He is intentionally harsh and cold to me because I divorced him however he was that way in the marriage too which is why I divorced him. He thought he was entitled to sex whenever he wanted because he worked for a living to support me and our infant/toddler daughter. It was horrible. He was actually like that when we first started dating but I was too young to know any better.

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[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by leomama

Yes. He is intentionally harsh and cold to me because I divorced him however he was that way in the marriage too which is why I divorced him. He thought he was entitled to sex whenever he wanted because he worked for a living to support me and our infant/toddler daughter. It was horrible. He was actually like that when we first started dating but I was too young to know any better.

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This is illuminating and explains why he keeps having a go at you any chance he gets. People that have strong psychopathic/sociopathic traits or have the full blown condition(s) HATE to lose more than most things. The fact that you divorced him, well, that means that in his mind he lost "the game" and now he wants to get back at you for it in any way possible.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

It seems most people have a hard time accepting the reality of a situation like this, and I've always wondered why that was because I'm very different in that way.

The best way to deal with an antisocial is to engage with them as infrequently as possible and to keep all necessary interactions as short as possible.

Yes I know that and I guess I really hoped he had changed by now. It's really hard. I never thought I'd be in this position. He bought her tickets to see his family at thanksgiving. Child support is garnished and when it doesn't meet the court awarded amount I call him and ask him to send money in. He owes me 26k in back pay. Her birthday's coming up and I don't really want to talk him about it. I had to ask him to cover one school event for me because I had a legal proceeding but that was it.

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[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by leomama

Yes I know that and I guess I really hoped he had changed by now. It's really hard. I never thought I'd be in this position. He bought her tickets to see his family at thanksgiving. Child support is garnished and when it doesn't meet the court awarded amount I call him and ask him to send money in. He owes me 26k in back pay. Her birthday's coming up and I don't really want to talk him about it. I had to ask him to cover one school event for me because I had a legal proceeding but that was it.

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From the sounds of it he's not going to change. Frankly it sounds like he's likely incapable of it. Your description of him is almost a textbook definition of a psychopathic ex.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

This is illuminating and explains why he keeps having a go at you any chance he gets. People that have strong psychopathic/sociopathic traits or have the full blown condition(s) HATE to lose more than most things. The fact that you divorced him, well, that means that in his mind he lost "the game" and now he wants to get back at you for it in any way possible.

Thank you. I had always sensed that but could never explain it. He even tells me he's hardened his heart against me because he had to and he refuses to be warm to me. Whenever I talk to him on the phone he's in a public place and he's talking to people. He offended our daughter by always bringing his girlfriend around and I had to tell him that. He would never see her without her because his girlfriend was jealous of her. Now he thinks I'm permitting our daughter to see an older guy. I'm thinking, dude if you had done your job she wouldn't be seeing an older guy but of course it's my fault as is her substance abuse. Never mind he was a drug dealer. And her mood disorder? Well since he has untreated bipolar and he self medicates, he verbally attacked me for taking her to a p doc! I ended up calling the police last month because of that and almost filed a restraining order.

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[leomama]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

From the sounds of it he's not going to change. Frankly it sounds like he's likely incapable of it. Your description of him is almost a textbook definition of a psychopathic ex.

Yes as I said my former t said he had sociopathic traits, he wasn't a full blown sociopath. It's good I'm reading psychopath free. It's still kind of shocking to me even though I ended that marriage 11 years ago. I appreciate your validation. He's very charming and has fooled others until recently and his family loves him although they know he has problems.

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