[Courtney125]

Hi I'm going to just say the details that are bothering me about my behaviour.. in year 6 I was mean to a girl in kindy just to make her cry, I also was so possessive with my best friend and controlling.. used to not feed my cousins tease them etc.. in high school cut myself for attention and lied for attention cut my own head to look abused etc. I can't watch any type of abuse or go fishing because it upsets me beyond belief.. but I babysat my little cousins when I was 17 for some reason I used to pinch them for fun and one time I bit his finger I used to pull her hair and pretend it was her brother and just be really mean I feel so sickened and awful by this.. I don't know why I did this and it really bothers me. I think I'm a sociopath? Any advice. Feeling very evil and nasty

[Atypical_Disaster]

You're not a sociopath. You can feel guilt, something a sociopath is incapable of. You're certainly not evil, and frankly I doubt that absolute evil even exists.

[Batthebikey]

I agree with the previous comment, if you were sociopathic would not feel bad about your actions, you were just being a normal kid. Children can be nasty and it may have just been acting out, the fact you think it was wrong means you will not persist in the behaviours as an adult. Forgive the brat you were and concentrate on the adult you are.

[Courtney125]

What am I then? A malignant narcassict? I am struggling to live day to day I'm so scared I'm going to harm someone and want to be locked away I hate myself a lot

[Courtney125]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

You're not a sociopath. You can feel guilt, something a sociopath is incapable of. You're certainly not evil, and frankly I doubt that absolute evil even exists.

What could I be then? A malignant narcarcisst I'm so scared I'm going to hurt someone I want to be locked away I have utter hate for myself and I really don't know how to live! (Sorry if this double posts) I feel like whenever I'm nice it's a fake persona and deep down I'm evil and want to harm people

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by Courtney125

What could I be then? A malignant narcarcisst I'm so scared I'm going to hurt someone I want to be locked away I have utter hate for myself and I really don't know how to live! (Sorry if this double posts) I feel like whenever I'm nice it's a fake persona and deep down I'm evil and want to harm people

A malignant narcissist also wouldn't give a ****, trust me. How would I know? I am one. I don't hate myself, or struggle with a fear of harming people as you do. I also am not inclined towards suicidal ideation, I have bipolar disorder but even at my most depressed I was still just as grandiose as ever, and certainly not suicidal.

I also don't consider myself evil.

Why do you believe you're so very evil? I think the word evil is a serious one, and not to be used lightly.

Thoughts of harming people are just that, thoughts. Actions are what matter at the end of the day. Your intentions don't mean ****, again I am speaking from experience.

[Courtney125]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

A malignant narcissist also wouldn't give a ****, trust me. How would I know? I am one. I don't hate myself, or struggle with a fear of harming people as you do. I also am not inclined towards suicidal ideation, I have bipolar disorder but even at my most depressed I was still just as grandiose as ever, and certainly not suicidal.

I also don't consider myself evil.

Why do you believe you're so very evil? I think the word evil is a serious one, and not to be used lightly.

Thoughts of harming people are just that, thoughts. Actions are what matter at the end of the day. Your intentions don't mean ****, again I am speaking from experience.

Because I've done bad things. When I was 18 I was cruel to my little cousins and I have done terrible things for attention.. so scared I'll do something awful like hurt people I care about for attention I don't know I'm just scared because of my actions at 18..

[Trippin2.0]

You're a bully.

[Courtney125]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

You're a bully.

I'm here clearly upset and looking for advice. That's not a helpful comment how am I a bully if I'm confused and hurt with my behaviour and wanting to not behave this way

[Trippin2.0]

I'm offering an alternate to sociopath...

So yes I'm trying to help even though you somehow failed to see that.

In answer to your question "how can I be a bully...?" You pick on people smaller and weaker than you, why i don't know and neither do you, but that's the definition of a bully right there.

Since your behavior is clearly distressing have you sought therapy?

I am sure there's a much better chance for reform if you're a garden variety bully as opposed to someone with a personality disorder....

[Courtney125]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

You're a bully.

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I'm offering an alternate to sociopath...

So yes I'm trying to help even though you somehow failed to see that.

In answer to your question "how can I be a bully...?" You pick on people smaller and weaker than you, why i don't know and neither do you, but that's the definition of a bully right there.

Since your behavior is clearly distressing have you sought therapy?

I am sure there's a much better chance for reform if you're a garden variety bully as opposed to someone with a personality disorder....

Yes I have.. but I can't control my behaviour and feelings etc which is why I feel it's a personality disorder. I'm scared I'm some sort of monster. I'm just very insecure and angry and I don't know why I just fear of being sociopathic/narcissistic (sorry if this posts twice) I didn't recognise you trying to help because all you said was "you're a bully" that's not a very constructive statement if you had said what you just had wrote ^ I would have understood better.

[here today]

I agree with you, Courtney. My feeling was that the first comment was judgmental and not particularly helpful from what I have read from you here. My view is that judgmental ism is itself a form of bullying. I'm willing to bet that the poster didn't understand that, though.

I don't have ASPD but I have parts of me that are like that and I don't have control about how they feel though I do have some control over how they/ I act. But it's taken a lot of time in therapy, much of it unhelpful, to get to this point.

I don't think that you are a monster but I know what it's like to feel like one. Best wishes to! you

[Trippin2.0]

My apologies for being unclear, my statement was just that, a statement based on what you wrote in your OP, not a judgment.

If I meant to be judgmental I would have at least attempted to chastise you, but that's not my style.

I'm sorry you're struggling and hope your therapist is able to help more in this regard.

I don't know much about PTSD, but from what little I do understand people do suffer from little to no self control WRT their reactions.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by Courtney125

Yes I have.. but I can't control my behaviour and feelings etc which is why I feel it's a personality disorder. I'm scared I'm some sort of monster. I'm just very insecure and angry and I don't know why I just fear of being sociopathic/narcissistic (sorry if this posts twice) I didn't recognise you trying to help because all you said was "you're a bully" that's not a very constructive statement if you had said what you just had wrote ^ I would have understood better.

This just proves that you're not a sociopath or a narcissist. Someone with genuine ASPD or NPD seriously never gives a **** about any of this. I know I don't give a ****. I've done what I've done, there is absolutely nothing to be gained by me or anyone else if I sit around obsessing about how evil I must be all day. The past is gone, there is no changing it. I'm not proud of everything I've done, but sitting around calling myself a monster/evil would be seriously counter productive.

I know I may be coming across as a bit harsh, but I am honestly trying to be helpful here. Clearly, you have a conscience. That is something that psychopaths/sociopaths and arguably some narcissists lack entirely. A full blown sociopath or psychopath is incapable of remorse, and also incapable of fear. You're capable of both of these things.

A narcissist has the full spectrum of emotions, but for a narcissist all those feelings are turned inwards for obvious reasons: they're only out for themselves and only care about their own feelings. They don't give two shits about people they run over in the process of protecting their egos and gaining narcissistic supply. (I could write a book about how NPD truly is and I just might do it since nobody else wants to step the **** up, lol.)

[Courtney125]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

This just proves that you're not a sociopath or a narcissist. Someone with genuine ASPD or NPD seriously never gives a **** about any of this. I know I don't give a ****. I've done what I've done, there is absolutely nothing to be gained by me or anyone else if I sit around obsessing about how evil I must be all day. The past is gone, there is no changing it. I'm not proud of everything I've done, but sitting around calling myself a monster/evil would be seriously counter productive.

I know I may be coming across as a bit harsh, but I am honestly trying to be helpful here. Clearly, you have a conscience. That is something that psychopaths/sociopaths and arguably some narcissists lack entirely. A full blown sociopath or psychopath is incapable of remorse, and also incapable of fear. You're capable of both of these things.

A narcissist has the full spectrum of emotions, but for a narcissist all those feelings are turned inwards for obvious reasons: they're only out for themselves and only care about their own feelings. They don't give two shits about people they run over in the process of protecting their egos and gaining narcissistic supply. (I could write a book about how NPD truly is and I just might do it since nobody else wants to step the **** up, lol.)

It does seem harsh but you're not being harsh toward me so it very much is helpful!! You seem like you genuinely want to help me? You don't know me so this is pretty selfless. Anyway thank you and it very much did help to realise I don't have ASPD haha.

[Courtney125]

Originally Posted by here today

I agree with you, Courtney. My feeling was that the first comment was judgmental and not particularly helpful from what I have read from you here. My view is that judgmental ism is itself a form of bullying. I'm willing to bet that the poster didn't understand that, though.

I don't have ASPD but I have parts of me that are like that and I don't have control about how they feel though I do have some control over how they/ I act. But it's taken a lot of time in therapy, much of it unhelpful, to get to this point.

I don't think that you are a monster but I know what it's like to feel like one. Best wishes to! you

Thank you VERY much!! Really really appreciate it.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by Courtney125

It does seem harsh but you're not being harsh toward me so it very much is helpful!! You seem like you genuinely want to help me? You don't know me so this is pretty selfless. Anyway thank you and it very much did help to realise I don't have ASPD haha.

I try my best to be helpful and share what insight I do have if I see someone like yourself who could benefit from it. I just would hate to see you write yourself off as evil when I certainly don't see you as evil, and I doubt anyone else reading this thread does either. It takes a hell of a lot for me to consider someone evil, and you're not there. Not at all.

The point is: there's hope for you. Don't write yourself off. You're not as far down that "evil" path as you fear you are.

I'm a narcissist and I've known many, you don't sound like one to me. I mean, you sound like you really hate yourself... and that's unfortunate, sincerely.

[Batthebikey]

Hi Courtney, please talk to your GP and ask for a referral to a Psychologist, having bad thoughts does not mean you are going to act on them. Everyone presents a false face to the public, and I think you are being too hard on yourself. These things happened when you were 18, how old are you now? You are clearly worried about this, you will not find an answer talking to people with ASPD, but one of us could easily manipulate you into doing something stupid. Please talk to a Psychologist, they are not scary and it will be helpful.

[Courtney125]

Originally Posted by Batthebikey

Hi Courtney, please talk to your GP and ask for a referral to a Psychologist, having bad thoughts does not mean you are going to act on them. Everyone presents a false face to the public, and I think you are being too hard on yourself. These things happened when you were 18, how old are you now? You are clearly worried about this, you will not find an answer talking to people with ASPD, but one of us could easily manipulate you into doing something stupid. Please talk to a Psychologist, they are not scary and it will be helpful.

Thank you for your response!! I am 19 now so it hasn't been long I feel so bad for doing those things but now I'm paranoid I'm sadistic because I used to pinch them for no reason I hate myself for it. I have a dog and I can't watch any videos or anything of cruelty toward people or animals and now I'm having terrible thoughts about hurting my baby dog who I adore. I'm very distressed. I saw a therapist and they've said I have harm OCD but since I actually have done cruel things in the past I feel it's sadism.

[Courtney125]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

I try my best to be helpful and share what insight I do have if I see someone like yourself who could benefit from it. I just would hate to see you write yourself off as evil when I certainly don't see you as evil, and I doubt anyone else reading this thread does either. It takes a hell of a lot for me to consider someone evil, and you're not there. Not at all.

The point is: there's hope for you. Don't write yourself off. You're not as far down that "evil" path as you fear you are.

I'm a narcissist and I've known many, you don't sound like one to me. I mean, you sound like you really hate yourself... and that's unfortunate, sincerely.

Thank you. In your honest opinion why do you think I enjoyed upsetting my younger cousins? Could it be sadistic tendencies?

[Batthebikey]

Be very wary of labels like sadist or pshycopath etc. If you were a sadist you wouldn't be concerned about it. Harm OCD sounds more like it and OCD is treatable. You are much better off listening to your therapist. Be VERY careful interacting with people like me who are diagnosed with ASPD. Normal people often consider us evil or sadistic but I think we work on a different set of moral values. Everybody is messed up somehow, and it is possible to redirect your thoughts using things like cognitive behaviour therapies. Trust your therapist, don't trust anyone who is ASPD, and love your little dog you are not going to act on thoughts you recognise as wrong.

[Courtney125]

Originally Posted by Batthebikey

Be very wary of labels like sadist or pshycopath etc. If you were a sadist you wouldn't be concerned about it. Harm OCD sounds more like it and OCD is treatable. You are much better off listening to your therapist. Be VERY careful interacting with people like me who are diagnosed with ASPD. Normal people often consider us evil or sadistic but I think we work on a different set of moral values. Everybody is messed up somehow, and it is possible to redirect your thoughts using things like cognitive behaviour therapies. Trust your therapist, don't trust anyone who is ASPD, and love your little dog you are not going to act on thoughts you recognise as wrong.

What is your take on the cruel things I did to my cousin though? I've manipulated a lot of people and always test my bf etc I'm also VERY attention seeking so I'm terrified I could kill for attention the thoughts are also 24/7 I don't think intrusive thoughts with OCD are 24/7. Thank you for the advice.. why shouldn't I trust anyone with ASPD? Thank you so much

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by Courtney125

Thank you. In your honest opinion why do you think I enjoyed upsetting my younger cousins? Could it be sadistic tendencies?

It could also be unresolved anger/resentment. If you're angry about something and haven't found a way to resolve it that can bring out the inner sadist in anyone. Everyone has the capacity to do really terrible things if given the right (or wrong) set of circumstances. That process also works in reverse.

You don't sound like much of a sadist to me. Doing sadistic things doesn't mean you're sadistic. It just means you've done sadistic things. There's countless reasons someone can be cruel to others, sadism is only one reason.

[Batthebikey]

Hi Courtney, the things you did to your cousin don't sound that bad to me, at 18 you were still a kid and kids can be horrible. You manipulate people? We all do and people with ASPD can be really good at it. With attention seeking again most people do but if it places you or other people at risk than you should work on it with a therapist, there are personality types like Narcissists who really go overboard but again you recognise it for what it is, a true Narcissist won't care. The intrusive thoughts can be controlled but you will need help to gain the tools you need to do that. It sounds like you can still function, has it caused you to be unemployable or prevented normal day to day life? The last thing is DO NOT TRUST people who are ASPD. I can spot a girl with low self esteem a mile away and I guarantee that within 6 months I could convince her not only that I am her one true love and soulmate but also have her working in a brothel and addicted to speed, then when I'm bored of her dump her and not have one regret. Normal people are just victims lining up to be used to people with ASPD so avoid them at all costs. Be wary of Outlaw type bikeys as well and I mean the club members with a patch on their backs. They are dangerous people.

[Courtney125]

Originally Posted by Batthebikey

Hi Courtney, the things you did to your cousin don't sound that bad to me, at 18 you were still a kid and kids can be horrible. You manipulate people? We all do and people with ASPD can be really good at it. With attention seeking again most people do but if it places you or other people at risk than you should work on it with a therapist, there are personality types like Narcissists who really go overboard but again you recognise it for what it is, a true Narcissist won't care. The intrusive thoughts can be controlled but you will need help to gain the tools you need to do that. It sounds like you can still function, has it caused you to be unemployable or prevented normal day to day life? The last thing is DO NOT TRUST people who are ASPD. I can spot a girl with low self esteem a mile away and I guarantee that within 6 months I could convince her not only that I am her one true love and soulmate but also have her working in a brothel and addicted to speed, then when I'm bored of her dump her and not have one regret. Normal people are just victims lining up to be used to people with ASPD so avoid them at all costs. Be wary of Outlaw type bikeys as well and I mean the club members with a patch on their backs. They are dangerous people.

Thank you for continuing to respond it's helping gain insight.. my father actually has NPD and has been pretty abusive until last year when he moved to another country. No I am not functioning very well, I am questioning absoloitely everything about myself and having intrusive thoughts all day long it's making me really depressed. I have a boyfriend of 3 years and I'm always doing scenarios with him where he has to act out that he has a gf etc and I have to seduce him lol because I always crave excitement and attention from men so the scenario helps me stay interested... my need for attention is pretty bad to be honest I have done some extreme things to get noticed by men and am pretty sexual. I don't like it and wish I could just go out to lunch with friends without being obsessed with who's around paying attention to me. Wow that's pretty intense you could do that in 6 months and yes I'm pretty dam good at manipulating but maybe because I'm an only child and I'm just used to getting my own way I'm also quite gullible. I will take your advice and stop posting on the aspd forums I guess since you don't think I have it. I appreciate you helping me out and not trying to manipulate me since I'm in a dark spot.