It's Just Killing Me

I started seeing this guy in Apr. of 2004. I thought he was real great. He would come over all the time and just pamper me. When I had visitation with my two kids he would come over and they loved him. On July 28 my roommate told me that I have until midnight to get out. When I told my boyfriend that he said that I can move in with him at his dad’s house and he would give me rides to work everyday. So I moved there. The first three days he gave me a ride. Then I missed two days of work and this went on for a couple of weeks. When I lost my job he said that his mom lives in Michigan and we can go up there where he had a job waiting for him. When I asked him about visitation with the kids he said that he would bring me and I don’t have to worry about anything. We would only live with his mom for a month at the most. When I got to Michigan I was dumbfounded. I got out of the car and it was a run down trailer. At first I didn’t really judge it. It was in the middle of nowhere. We got all of our stuff out of the car and went inside and his dad left. I found out that there was no running water when I went to the bathroom. The verbal abuse started almost right away. He asked me how many people I had been with and I told him and he kept insisting that I was lying about it. Then he started with calling me all different kinds of names. When I told him that I would leave if he didn’t stop he would said he was sorry. This went on until October 13. That was the day he called my kids spick kids and called me a spick %#@&#!. I tried to leave and he smacked me across the face twice and choked me. His mom took me to his sister’s house to try to call someone to come get me (btw he smashed my cell phone and took the piece of paper that had everyone’s number on it in my family). The only person’s number that I knew was my dads. He told me that no matter what I needed to leave. Have his mom drop me off at the police station something but don’t go back. He couldn’t come get me that day because he had to have surgery that day (he cut off his finger and had 3 hernias (2 inguinal and 1 umbilical). When I told his mom what my dad said she said that she can’t do that and took me back to the trailer. When I got back he was pissed. I never knew what made him mad. He beat the %#@&#! out of me. I was black and blue. He started to tie me up after one night when I left walking down the road. He would call his friends to come over saying that he had a ***** he needed to break in. When they came over I would be tied to the bed and they would do whatever they wanted to me. I was always blindfolded so I would never know who they were. Sometimes they would stick things inside of me. Little by little I was losing hope and I was in constant fear. There was the day that he took and carved %#@&#! you on my left arm and die ***** on the other. He watched me try to commit suicide about 7 times. He always said that if I ever left that he would find me and kill me. On January 7 the police came there (because my family filed a missing persons report) and I told the cop that I needed help. I told him that I was going to die if he didn’t help me. Since then I have been in 3 different mental hospitals and I am on 900 Lithium and 800 Seroquel. I have severe nightmares at night and I don’t get much sleep. He has been calling my sister in Indiana and harassing her trying to find me. He calls me ex-husband harassing him (he has our 2 kids). Both of them got him with harassment. The worse part is that he calls my dads house and when my dad said that if he ever saw him he would shoot him, he said to bring it. I don’t want to get a restraining order because no one has invented bullet proof paper yet. So you know, I was labeled as bipolar disorder, paranoid personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, schitotypical, impulse control disorder nos, and I have severe anxiety in some situations and post traumatic stress disorder, dependant personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, with a GAF of 50%.

I don't know what to do now. Since January 14, 2005 I have left my house 3 times. All three of those times the police had to come to my house and physically take me out. I am so scared that my boyfriend will be waiting outside with a gun and shoot me. I was hospitalized 3 times and all three times the doctor perscribed me either haldol or atavan. When I got home my personal doctor said that I really didn't need it (she comes to the house). Now I have to go to the lawyer's office to file an order of protection. Are there ways that I could help myself "prepare" to go out without having a panic attack?

Any domestic violence shelter or group in your area? Can someone from there be an advocate and go with you to lawyer's office as you file an order of protection?

If not, is there anyone on the police force you feel comfortable with, who would escort you?

Some other ideas:

Write out a list of coping skills that have helped you in the past.
Make sure you keep up decent nutrition, eating well will help.
Make your current living space a sanctuary as much as possible.
Do anything you can that is soothing, calming, that affirms your worth and rights.
Check through this site for resources, read up good articles on your challenges, get some fresh ideas on skills to try.
Favorite clothing to wear, jewelry for that day?
Dream up a great reward for after, to celebrate what you have done and treat yourself well, something to look forward to.

My mom is taking me to the lawyers office, but I just have to get out the door.

((((((((((((kathie))))))))))))))

I am offering you safe hugs. I am so sorry you have had to endure such abuse. I feel horrified at the story you have told and want to also commend you on your openess about your past. I think your willingness to be so open proves that you are a strong women with a bright future. Your bravery impresses me and you should be proud at the strides you have made thus far.

I think the advice given to you by Sarah is wonderful.

Gosh, Kathie, your strenght blows me away. Please feel free to PM me anytime if needed. Take good care of yourself. Please keep us posted.

It has taken some time to open up and just type. I haven't found strength in what I have endured, I find it hard to get up in the morning and take my pills the way they were perscibed. I take care of my 93 yr old granny, the only human contact I have is with her, my dad, my mom, my dr (once a week) or my younger brother. I have lost intrest in everything that I used to. I don't see my kids in fear that they will somehow know and reject me. I talk to people online, but none of them come close to comming near where I live. I just can't see me as being "strong" after a few words. No matter how hard I try I just don't see it. Sorry.

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK!
TAKE IT FROM ONE ABUSED SURVIVOR TO ANOTHER. God is on your side. You might want to ask him for help. I just said a prayer for you. I experienced similar things..still going through "stuff" as well.

It will get BETTER...cling on to that.

My thoughts are with you. You are a survivor!! it will get better.