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  #1  
Old Jun 26, 2005, 05:00 PM
Ryen's Avatar
Ryen Ryen is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2005
Location: Spokane, WA
Posts: 16
So here I am, don't know how to start so I'll just blurt. This will be kinda long, I am not good at short explanations. I am looking for others with anxiety like mine or at least supportive people of it. My main problem is anxiety attacks and false panic that is beginning to rule my life and my relationships. I am normally a very upbeat, energetic, and loving person, but without support this is starting to rule my life as depression did as a teen. I spent so much energy surviving my teens all on my own that it upsets me now as an adult that the loss of control is returning after all I did to prevent it.

My three biggest triggers are #1. Death. Events as a child lead me to form a severe phobia of dead bodies, dying, and killing. Anything from a dead goldfish to a pet leads me into fits of crying and hyperventilation. A human sends me totally out of control. I can’t get near, look at, or god forbid touch anything dead or I loose it. I developed a fear that there is a void in death that will reach me if I get too close and I panic. Dying and killing revolve around the same void, to die to me is a darkness I greatly fear and to kill another living thing by my hand is just as bad. Just killing a big bug or a spider makes me cry and apologize to it almost obsessively. Many violent brushes with death as a child and adult that lead me to face such an unknown concept is what started the phobia.

#2 Being worthless or less than perfect. I fought my whole life to be better than all other students, ace everything, be a genius kid if you will. I had a lot of family pressure to be a perfect student and advance in careers and life when I was just a kid instead of being allowed to be a kid. I didn’t know how much that had seeded a fear of failure in me until I realized that any grade lower than a B sent me into panic attacks. When I was 15 I was at senior level and dropped out of high school then tested high and got into college early only to drop out again. I couldn’t handle the pressure and began having breakdowns daily. Both my brothers dropped out and went to college at barely 15 and are now nearly graduated with high degrees, I was the black sheep of the family, the ‘baling artists’. I am back in college again, and the attacks are back.. I have a 3.5 yet anything less than a 90% makes me have a panic attack even though I live on my own.

#3 People, public, traffic, cities, bustle. Yes, the big wide world gives my panic attacks. I grew up like a monk, literally. In a hermitage high up in the cascade mountains with no human contact other than my family and animals. We had a family of dear in our backyard, a herd of elk behind the house, bears passing through, and nothing to do but pick berries, meditate, and wander the woods barefoot. Very isolated, and a very dramatically different development as a child. Cars, horns, crowded places, people, and all around chaos of cities sends me into panic. If I don’t live within walking distance of grass, trees, and water I have extreme anxiety. My first experience in a giant city left me suicidal within 48hours.

I battle these things and I am getting better. I can handle smaller bodies such as pets and so forth now without panic. I made it through a quarter of school with only one breakdown. And I live in a city. I don’t know if other people are ruled by phobias and panic like this, I just need people to talk to who share this when it gets ugly for me because it helps me cope and get passed it.

Does anybody else have panic attacks like this and such a high fear of death?
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  #2  
Old Jun 26, 2005, 05:21 PM
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Myzen Myzen is offline
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Member Since: Oct 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 1,034
Hi Ryen,

Welcome to PC, I hope you find some solace here, as I did.

I am always awed by the way that a person comes here with an understanding of the challenge of the illness, and how sharing this challenge is helpful to us all. You describe your anxiety in such a way that I can feel it, as I am an anxiety sufferer too.

I was particularly impressed by the way you have described your struggle against the illness. Yes, we are able to have victories, but the victories don't make the illness go away. That's a hard call, and I felt that in your post.

Stay with us Ryen, and it will make difference for you, I'm sure of that.

Cheers, Myzen Fighting anxiety like a rebel pilot into a lighting storm
  #3  
Old Jun 27, 2005, 12:02 AM
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jmo531 jmo531 is offline
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Member Since: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,600
Hi Ryen and Welcome to PC.

First I wanted to say that you have discribed your anxiety perfectly, just as Myzen said. I can actually feel it. I too suffer from anxiety in various forms and it can be very debilitating. As you have mentioned. Death is a huge phobia for me and often time to even talk about it causes to mcu anxiety for me so I can not really adress this issue with you at this time. I am sorry about that.

My suggestion would be to talk with a Therapist about this. They will be able to give you insight to this and help you. I know I wasnt much help but I wanted you to know that your not alone and please post as often as needed. Take care.

Jen
  #4  
Old Jun 27, 2005, 10:20 AM
Parker10 Parker10 is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2005
Location: Virgnia
Posts: 587
Welcome to PC. This is a great place to connect with others who have panic/anxiety etc issues. You mention many "brushes" with death as a child and as an adult - do you mean you experienced loses of loved ones , or that you were literally in situations that nearly caused your death? Many people dont like to deal with death, but its part of the life cycle. I surely cannot answer why you have this issue, but just knowing you are not alone might help ! I realize it causes you anxiety to think about death, however, it seems it might also be part of obsessive thinking.

As for the #2 issue - no one is perfect, and to strive for such is setting ourselves up for failure 100% of the time. Growing up in an environment where nothing was acceptable except A's, being the best , the fastest, the prettiest, etc etc etc, is so harmful. It is definitely on the list of things identified as a reason why some people develop panic and anxiety disorder. (Plus, it sure sounds like you are Type A Personality, which increases ones anxiety levels). In your case - this is a learned behavior. You learned from your parents that nothing less than perfect was acceptable, and the trick here, is anything we learn, we can unlearn. You can unlearn this behavior by telling yourself you will do your best, you are a good student, you are answering to no one but yourself etc. "Stinkin thinkin" plays a huge roll in our anxiety levels, and its OUR thoughts that are the culprit. Therefore, if we can change our thoughts, it will get better !
#3 you are already helping yourself overcome by living in a city. Great accomplishment! You are desensitizing yourself by being in a city, and the more you are there, the more you deal with the everyday issues - people, noise etc, the less you should even notice it .

Have you considered seeing a counselor at school about these issues, or a therapist? There are also great books to help us, the best in my opinion is "Anxiety, Phobias and Panic - Taking Charge and Conquering Fear" by Reneau Z. Peurifoy. Good luck, and hope you keep us posted on how you are doing!
  #5  
Old Jun 27, 2005, 03:30 PM
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MacD MacD is offline
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Member Since: Dec 2004
Posts: 530
While I don't have much advice on this one, I CAN relate except that my response is to deny....awful huh?
But I hope that you can feel all of the virtual hugs being sent your way....(((((((Ryan))))))))
  #6  
Old Jun 28, 2005, 10:29 AM
cusack10 cusack10 is offline
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Member Since: Nov 2003
Posts: 295
i don't tend to end my life myself anymore.though holding on this life is damn hard as no changes of the bad situ is made.
why,i am helpful to this world.i am the truth.
sorry,i lost my words.
  #7  
Old Jun 30, 2005, 12:36 AM
Ryen's Avatar
Ryen Ryen is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2005
Location: Spokane, WA
Posts: 16
Hi all,
Sorry for late reply, was busy with school and my 3 yr old stepdaughter. I think I found a place where I can talk here and will no doubt pop in here a lot. Just an idea of how lame this is for me just reading the replies from you guys made me start shaking and get light headed, it's sad. I just don't know how to respond to people.

Funny really, I am learning in my Interpersonal Communications class right now just how long term isolation affects social development, I am really starting to understand just how much I loved the isloation growing up but just how much it has set me back socially and just how alone I feel day to day just watching people laugh and walk around me and I stand still unable to say a word or join in. Makes me cry sometimes and I'm 23.

It's like your in the middle of people all dancing and laughing around you and can't make yourself move an inch, and you see somebody break partners and you stretch out faintly to possibly grasp a hand and join in but they spin just out of reach and slip away back into the blur and your left alone again in middle of a world whirling on without you. All you get is this weight in your chest where there should have been laughter instead.

Replied to one message today how I have a paper bag with a big smiley drawn on it with the words "Have a Nice Day" written on the end that expand when I have to breathe into it. Lot of the time I feel like I spend so much time fighting just to stay above the surface that if a boat came along I'd just float and stare like the lifeguard were an alien.

IN the words of Switchfoot in my headphones right now, "Don't close your eyes, this is your life, are you who you want to be?"

Tomorrow I have to work in a group in communications, we'll see how that goes.
G'night for now.
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  #8  
Old Jun 30, 2005, 01:13 AM
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Ryen Ryen is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2005
Location: Spokane, WA
Posts: 16
Forgot, to the question about the near death. I was talking many events where I was about two misplaced seconds from not being here. The 2 events that stands out in my mind as the most violent and probably ones that most defines my fear of premature death was when I was about 13 and 3.

At age 13 in one of many regular violent events at my home it started with a suspect (details on who too long to explain) trying to beat down my door when us kids were home alone then get in through a window, finally try to shoot us through the windows. I was chosen to crawl on the floor and turn out the lights. We called 911 but they said we were pranking. Fastforward to later when the person poored gas around the house opened propane tanks and began trying to light matches from a box to take us all with him while my mom (then home) tried to shoot him and I (listening to orders) scrambled in a panic of crying and screaming to climb out a back window too small to fit but knowing if I didn't escape the house we would all burn to death. I remember being bruised and cut on the knees and giving up on the window and huddling alone with my best friend in the middle of my room crying and praying thinking we only had until the next match while everybody was screaming. I just got so afraid of dying before I was ready that obsessive safety has become kind of a problem with me.

At age 3 during my growing up in the mountains I was playing outside with my little brother who was like 2 at the time just a toddler. (yes we were alone outside at that age) We were playing in the grass at the fence when I saw eyes in the bushes. I saw a huge cat and grabbed my brother and told him to move with me but it was too late. A bobcat tore through the fence missing me and snatched my brother. It started ripping him apart in the grass in front of me and eating him and I started screaming. I remember running to the house but crying and stuttering so badly all I could do was point out the living room window. Fast forward the cat was scared off but my dad firing his gun into the air and my brother survived but both he and I developed identical phobias of deep woods and to this day as adults will not go outside the house or go outside our cars at night there at our old house. We used to actually get left to sleep in the car at night as kids because we would become hysterical if we had to walk from the drive to the house at night or be chosen to close the gate to the property at night.

Those are just a few. I grew up in a very violent household and I think because of my early isolation it caused me to take the behavior I saw as the behavior that must be true for all people and lead me to fear socializing for fear of people's negative possibilities.
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  #9  
Old Jun 30, 2005, 02:56 AM
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jmo531 jmo531 is offline
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Member Since: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,600
It sounds to me like you have a very good insight for the roots of your anxiety. Now, talking with a T and learning how to deal with those fears is the next step. Although it can take a long period of time to get to that point.

Thank you for sharing this. I hope you stick around and share more.



Jen
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