Hi

I don't know if anyone remembers me. I haven't been here in a little over a year. I have been doing well but here recently I have started to have some terrible feelings of impending doom and depression. I don't know where this impending doom is coming from, but I have started feeling a desperate feeling tonight.

Out of my desperation, I thought someone , anyone would be here for me to talk through this right now. If there is someone who can talk to me , please respond.

carinheart, have there been any changes in your life lately, at work or personally?

[muse]

I'm sorry I wasn't available to talk... but I hope you got through the night okay and are doing better now. Gentle ((((hugs)))) your way, carinheart.

Hi carinheart---I'm usually on-- you can talk to me-----

sending you warm hugs--theo

How are you doing, carinheart?

I'm sorry i haven't been here to respond. I want to thank you all for replying to my post. I'm not doing much better at all, but Have been speaking with my mental health support worker about things that have been going on .

today , I have been all over the place, i was sooo moody today. First, being totally angry and crying and isolating. To now feeling mellowed out like i took drugs or something, but I didn't.

I'm not understanding what is going on with me right now, but I do know that it isn't my "normal".

I hope you all are doing well, I'm here for anyone who needs to talk , anytime! PM me anytime.

How is it going todayk carinheart?

I'm still all over the place! Cannot keep my thoughts or emotions in check it seems. Trying to eat but can't. I think I really need some help!

thank you for being concerned. How are you doing today?

[muse]

Carinheart, have you tried writing down what you feel and how your day is going in a journal of some kind? That really helps me to keep track of what's happening in my life, where my moods are and what triggers them. Sometimes, especially in the moment, it's very hard to decipher what is making you feel the way you feel or why your emotions are bouncing around, or if there is no cause at all. If you write it down when you feel it and what the circumstances are, though, you can go back over it later and maybe find a pattern.

If you really feel you need some help, I think you should get it! That statement alone is reason to talk to a professional. Do you need help finding someone who you can see on a regular basis?

My day was great until this evening, which was pretty bad. But that's all right, tomorrow has to be a little better.

Hi Muse

I'm sorry to hear that your day wasn't good for you. I hope that you are feeling better by the time you read this.

My day really has lingered, meaning it was long due to the way I was feeling.

That deep dark hole that I once knew, is coming back! Only difference this time is I know it is here and I want to try to do something about it. I've had many many intrusive thoughts the past few days about ending it, and Have had past attempts by overdosage, so tonight I decided that until i feel better, I'm giving my medication to my mental health support worker just in case i get impulsive. This is a big change for me, but I'm trying my best to hang on right now and I'm giving it my all!

thanks for listening to me ramble. If you need to talk , please don't hestitate to contact me.

Are you receiving professional help, carinheart?

I know I need to go to the hospital, because I'm a danger to myself right now, I don't think I will go to the hospital, i don't have the will to go nor the courage to say to my worker, i need to go. She is trying her best to help me and so far she is doing a good job, but I'm not doing mine so well at the moment.

I gave her my pills today that i had horded, but i just turned around and went to walmart and searched through their isles.

I feel so hopeless and helpless. But my head is remaining above water as long as I have some "fight" left in me.

[muse]

Oh carinheart, that is so good to hear!! Give yourself some credit for fighting as much as you have already and clinging on to that will to live, small and flickering as it may be. It is SO important and so wonderful that you are at least trying to stay afloat, and recognizing that you need help. That is often the most difficult part of the journey, and I believe that deep down you DO have the courage and willpower to reach out and get the help you need.

Perhaps it would be easier to write down what you need and give that paper to your worker, instead of saying it out loud. You could even pretend it says something else when you hand it to her. That way she will know you need more support but you won't have to say anything... like tricking yourself into it?

Either way, good luck and keep us posted!! I truly hope you start feeling better, or get that extra bit of support, that you need soon. Remember, every day you make it through is a huge victory and we're all so glad you've done it!!!

Why not fight your way to the hospital where you know you belong?

Today has been an ok day for me, thus far. I have been journaling my feelings and I think that is helping me alot. Plus I have been talking with my mental health support worker more and opening up to her. So far everything I am doing is working.

However, If I see I'm going back in that dark place again, intervention on my part will be taken.

Thanks everyone for the kindness and support. It is greatly appreciated and helped me to know there are people here to voice my concerns to.

May you be well soon.