Bachelorette parties- I'd rather break my leg

I have to go to a bachelorette party for my future sister in law next month. We don't get along that well so I'm not terribly excited. She has requested that we get a limo, go to dinner, and go to some bars and at least one bar should be a dance club. I don't really know or particularly like any of the other girls going, and I don't think ANY of them dance, but they want to go to a dance place bc the bride requested it. I have a feeling that either I'll be the only one not dancing, or none of us will dance and we'll look stupid bc the bride has her stupid tiara and sash on and we're all just standing there. I jokingly asked my fiance to push me down the stairs shortly before the party, but seriously, I do not think I am able to put on my big girl pants and make it through a night of bars and dance clubs and I'm totally perseverating on it.
I used to drink til I could dance when I was in college, but recently I recognized that alcohol was making my anxiety worse. So I hardly drink and therefore I don't dance socially anymore. We ended up on the dance floor at my bachelorette last month, despite my repeated requests to go somewhere that I didn't have to dance (thank you, friends) and I froze up and almost started crying. I don't get panic attacks, but I stiffen up and I don't know who to talk to, how to stand, what to do with myself. If I can't exit the situation, I will probably start crying. I've always been able to exit the situation, but I won't be able to at this upcoming party.
My therapist said that it is too soon to make any behavioral changes that will help me deal with it, so I should just take a Xanax and drink very little. I would still rather break my leg than do that. I keep wondering if I can come down with a migraine or diarrhea or ANYTHING that can prevent me from going. I chose not to see my therapist again until a few days after the party because I'm getting married next weekend and she helped me get ready for the wedding and now I just want to clear my schedule and get things done. But I keep thinking about this stupid bachelorette party and I think I need to see my therapist before it.
Anyone have any words of advice or feel like sharing their mutual hatred for unoriginal and over-rated wedding traditions such as the drunken attention-demanding bachelorette party? :-P

BBT7, Please put that bachelorette party out of your mind for now, and concentrate on your upcoming marriage. These are happy, exciting days for you and your fiance that won't come around again. How lucky you are to have found your "once in a lifetime"; treasure these days. By the time the party comes around next month you will have made your decision. Congratulations and many, many happy years together.

Move your honeymoon to the weekend of the "party". Who could begrudge you your special time? That came of the top of my head so I doubt there are no other "coping strategies" out there. Anyone else have some healthy ideas to help our friend out here? Sounds like she could really use the help.

Hmm...maybe mysteriously "come down with something" that morning?

I agree with Miracle1986, it's simple you tell a big fat white lie and save face. You or hubby mysteriously come down with something, food poisoning (which is flu like symptoms) is a good one in the good old summertime.

I don't see what good can come from avoiding and the idea of wishing yourself ill is very disrespectful of yourself, nevermind your fiance's sister!

No one can force you to drink or force you to dance! Her party is not about you. Stand around with a smile plastered on your face, drink water with a slice of lemon in it and you'll get to the other side. Watch the people dancing and hide a grin of happiness that you're not one of them.

BBT7, You're going to be too busy to go to the party. That's the same night you and your hubby are writing out the thank you notes. Did you forget? It's the only time you have to get that done because you're so very busy and I will write you an excuse.

Perna, I respectfully disagree. A white lie is not wishing yourself ill or disrespecting your sister-in-law. It's avoiding hurt feelings and saving yourself from needless anxiety. Have you never told a fib???

BBT7, of course, I would pass it by your husband first as it is his sister, and see what his thoughts are. Good luck. This thread sure picked up a bunch of opposing views. You're probably more confused than ever now.

An invitation is not an obligation. When you are not going to attend, you send your regrets and an explanation or reason why you aren't able to attend is not required. If pressed, "I'm not (or I was not) able to attend" is the only response necessary.

Muncie, I think you missed BBT's comments "I would still rather break my leg than do that. I keep wondering if I can come down with a migraine or diarrhea or ANYTHING that can prevent me from going". I don't believe wishing one's self ill is ever a good response, especially to an invitation from another, to be included in a private party, special to that person.

I am with Echoes, BBT7, if you have decided you are not going but I would go, if only to make further in-law relationships "easier" and for myself, to keep a boundary on what I will allow my anxiety to control. If you give in to yourself and do not go, where/how will you draw the line in the future? It will only get more and more difficult the more power you give your anxiety.

By the "I'd rather break my leg than go" is just a way of explaining how badly she don't want to go out. I've said things like that before. Like going to Florida with my grandmother a few years ago, I told my husband "I would rather chew off my foot than be stuck in a car with her like that again" And bbt saying "I wander if i can come down with a migriane or diarreah" it sounds like contemplating faking illness rather than wishing it upon herself. But to the original post, don't go. You should'nt have to explain yourself. If you don't like your sister-in-law and she don't like you then it should be understandable why you would'nt want to go. If it makes you feel better about bowing out, then yes fake an illness, play hooky. Or spend time with you fiance and tell your sis-in-law you have to make wedding plans and get everything in order. If you are not the maid of honor then your absense from the party won't be bad. And as far as feeling bad for not going, do you think she would go somewhere for you if she did'nt wnt to go or was uncomfortable going?

Perna, you do make a good point (I hadn't considered) about keeping a boundary on what you will allow your anxiety to control. That puts the anxiety in the driver's seat and a loss of control on our part. I can relate to that. Every time I've pushed through my anxiety in a situation, I felt a victory. Thanks for that.

BBT7 - Better consider your motives in this situation. Is it based more on anxiety than anything else? Maybe you could skip the limo, meet them for dinner and then excuse yourself from the bars.

I hate feeling anxious and out of control but I think I hate it a bit more feeling like other people may be disappointed in me or think less of me, and if I don't like the person, that they may have gotten the better of me. When all else fails, I take out my minimalist, black-and-white thinking and use logic to control where my anxious feelings are failing.

It's a party. Ask yourself if you want to be afraid of a party, a celebration. The woman is going to be "family" after everyone is married and so you'll probably have to "tolerate" her and see her a bit in the next 20-50 years if you stay married to her brother and the creeks don't rise. I would go and stand around glaring at people, daring them to include me :-) But I'd keep the moral superiority stance of having at least shown up -- one can lead a horse to water but not make her drink; one can lead me to a bachelorette party but you can't make me dance.

I've gone to a lot of events I really really didn't want to go to but I can't think of one where the situation didn't turn out better than I expected it to.

Hmmm everyone has their own idea...normal and totally acceptable but I agree with Perna about the subconcious self harming in order to avoid. Thing is what we think we attract but usually at a most inopportune moment.

However...I also agree that in order to maintain future relationships it would be most beneficial to go. You never know you may just enjoy it. Besides you only have to put in an appearance at dinner and make your apologies when it comes to the dancing or "Clubbing" part of the evening. But going along and wishing her future happiness is important.

You risk making a problem for your hubby with his family if you just beg off and decide to break your leg. Please think before you cause a rift in your family, and his family are your family too,

Loving thoughts,

Rhian

just don't go, say you got your period or something.
no woman would dance on their period lol.
Besides if you don't go I don't think she will care much if you two aren't very close. Besides her other friends will be around and everyone will be drunk and happy, I doubt it will even bug her you didn't show up.

Save yourself the unneeded anxiety and worry about YOUR special day :3 <333

It's my brother's fiance, not my fiance's sister. So I can't talk to my brother about it because I haven't told him about my Dx yet.

I don't actually want to get sick instead of going and the comment about breaking my leg is sarcasm. I'm saying that I'm considering lying to get out of it. I truly don't lie very often and I would be disappointed in myself if I lied to get out of this, but then when I think about going, the migraine excuse sounds better than the torture of going!

I do agree that if I lie, I'm letting my anxiety win. BUT, I was only diagnosed about 6 weeks ago. I didn't realize how different my brain is until very recently. So I'm dealing with accepting that this is going to be with me for life, and I'm getting married in 2 days, and I as just forced to take a different job within my school system. I started seeing a therapist because I was dreading my own wedding because of all the attention it brings, the crowd of people who will be there, and the social dancing. So I have a lot going on right now and the thought of forcing myself to face my fears by going to the bars for someone I don't really even like is not at all appealing to me!

I appreciate everyone's responses and support, but unfortunately for me I am not closer to making a decision about how I will handle the bachelorette night! Hopefully after the honeymoon I'll have less on my mind and I'll be able to make a better decision regarding it. Maybe I just have too much to think about right now.

Thanks, and wish me luck this weekend.

Good Luck this weekend!

Rhia

BBT7, you do have a lot going on right now. The fact that you were only diagnosed 6 weeks ago, don't assume you will deal with anxiety the rest of your life. Marriage and job changes are huge life events. A good marriage will help greatly in this area and help steady you. I can attest to this. My advice would be to work towards a good partnership with your hubby. You will make the right decision (for you) about the bachelorette party when it comes. In the meantime, have a wonderful wedding, a spectacular honeymoon and many happy years together. I envy you, the years go quickly and like you, I wish I could start all over again.

So the wedding went very smoothly, except the stomach problems (to put it politely) that I had all day. I also drank lots of ginger ale to quell the nausea that kept rising up before the ceremony. I even forced myself to dance, if dancing is bobbing around while holding your dress up. My husband couldn't believe I made myself get out there, but I knew I'd be pissed at myself if I didn't dance with friends that night.
The good memories outweigh all the memories of the anxiety, but I was so RELIEVED when it was over. So many people were IN MY BUBBLE, touching me, hugging me, and just being drunk space invaders. We had an after-party and by 12am I was practically begging my new hubby to come to bed. All my married girlfriends kept saying, "It's going to be over before you know it! Savor every moment because you'll wish the night never ended." Sure, it turned out lovely, but it was the longest night of my life and I was so happy to be out of the spotlight at the end of the night, and I do not wish it never ended.
And the bachelorette for FSIL wasn't bad either... I almost hate to admit that after how worked up I got in the days leading up to it, but I know it's a good thing that I actually kind of had fun. I don't understand why bars and crowds completely freak me out some nights and yet I'm fine other nights. I need to figure myself out. Sigh.
Also, I just found out that my counselor is no longer covered by the new insurance plan that my employer switched to. Wonderful.

BBTZ, thanks for the update. I've been thinking of you and how everything turned out. So glad you decided to go to your sis-in-law's party, some positive reinforcement here. Don't feel bad about not totally enjoying your reception. I would have felt the same way, always hated the spotlight. Putting on a performance is strenous and tiring. We had 13 at our wedding dinner, perfect for me, enjoyable no stress no strain. Now you can relax and enjoy being a newlywed.

Yes, thanks for the update BBT7; I was worse than you for my wedding I just told my mother there would be no dancing! I was the bride and it's the only thing I got any say about so she hired a piano player and we all had a buffet dinner but no dancing. I was so stressed the whole day I didn't eat anything or sit down, just wandered around in a daze. When the maid of honor went to take my flowers at the altar, we got into a tug-of-war with them, I was so out of it, LOL.

I'm glad you went to SIL's party, I think it will help in the future when you have other activities you are anxious about.

Goodness, congratulations on getting through it all! (also many congrats on your wedding ).... see, you were so worried but you did it anyway! You got through it and you even enjoyed it. Very awesome x

Yay for you, BBT7. Well done.