[jamesH]

I always believed i had issues, but nothing serious enough to have to get drugs for. I also do not like the idea of taking drugs to make me act differently.

Anyway though, i get very very nervous when im around a crowd of people i dont know. When i actually have to converse with someone, im sure i sound very strange because ill stumble over words and repeat them because im so nervous- i can speak perfectly normally.

I usually dont like to look at men in the eyes, and women tell me i stare too much sometimes, so i usually just dont like anyone in the eye to make it easier- unless im feeling very confident which is rare.

A lot of bad things have been happening to me lately. My car needs repairs, my relationship with my father and stepmom is one of hatred 50% of the time, complaceny and indifference fill the other half; either way, i am afraid of being near them or when they call on the phone because im afraid of being yelled at.

I dont really have any friends.

Dont have any interested women in my life.

I dont really feel i know who i am

i got a speeding ticket i barely have enough to pay for so that i can buy food and live while at school and manage to not get yelled at by father and stepmom.

I feel like anywhere i go people look at me like im weird or like they dont like me. And the people i do know, im pretty sure dont trust or like me.

Although high school was still bad at times, i had friends i could count on and i had a girl or two that i really loved, now my life is barron and empty and i know this; i keep telling myself it will get better out of college, but i dont see how. they say you are supposed to meet the important people of your life in college. i dont know how i could physically or emotionally bring myself to talk to a stranger anymore, i used to not have a problem with it. then i would challenge myself to talk to new people, and progressively i was too afraid to do it, i even ignored people i knew and would have said hi to.

marijuana is a weird thing in my life, i used to smoke with my "friend" and i would be cool because i had a place to be like i mattered. it seems like people can smoke and be fine after, but after i smoke and sometimes during i can feel myself really start to lose it, like someone took a hi-lighter and started indicating all the negatives in my life. i threw out what i had left today, because i know if i smoke again i will lose it for real.

I sat down today and was about to do something on my computer, when out of no where i just started bawling out my eyes and wailing on and on. I realized how alone i was where i am (i moved after HS 600 miles away to a diff state to live with father and go to college); no friends, no girls (its like i cant bring myself to get emotional with them, im just awkward and strange), i can only stay interested in something for so long until i realize i am doing it alone and i get sad.

All the time i was crying i was thinking about my mom, and i was getting really scared about dying, and basically i just thought about everything my life used to be and any way i could make it so would require doing something im afraid to do.

i met a girl who actually approached me, after a month or so she told me she was a lesbian and i felt like a big fool.

i feel like if i needed help i would have no where to go, and thats why im so petrified by where i am. its like after i moved my life slowly fell off and now im at the bottom.

Letting someone know my personality, is one of the scariest things i could think of.

Sorry for the long post i just had to write down what was in my head.

[jmo531]

Hi james and welcome to PC.

First off I want to say that moving so far from your comfortable surroundings is probably what is triggering your anxious and isolation feelings. I think that is pretty normal considering the circumstances. I know that you say you dont want medication to make you act differently.

I wouldnt say that medication makes you act differently. I think it just helps ease the anxiety in so many ways. Medication may not be the answer for you. Have you tried speaking with a therapist? Sometimes, intense therapy and finding the root of your anxiety and facing it head on little by little can help a great deal.

Maybe you should start there. This place is a great place to vent and post about the way your feeling. Your not alone. I have panic disorder, OCD and depression. I have delt with many of the same feelings as you. Please hang in there and try to find a therapist that can help you through this.


Jmo

Hi, James..welcome..you'll have support here. the more you post, the more support you'll get.

i have a suggestion, when you are feeling anxious and afraid, call the local crisis line. there are people there that know exactly what you're feeling and it can be very, very helpful. also, can you see a counselor at school?

i think that a med would help with the anxiety. i'm really glad that you threw the pot away, as i believe it can make anxiety worse.

pat

[dottie]

Hi. I can relate to much of what you disclosed.

I don't have many friends, largely because I don't like to go out much. I am pretty much a homebody.

Also..if you speak your mind..and are not exactly politically correct...that can be a large stumbling block..as folks often bully or ostricise(sp) those who are not in agreement with them. To be an individual in this society lends itself to a great deal of scrutiny.

Your parents probably want you to walk in lockstep to their
way of thinking.

Always be true to yourself. I am betting that once you are out of college..you will make friends. Try to open yourself up a little...& don't worry about folks being critical.

Welcome to PC. Feel free to PM me or email me if you'ld like. I am a good listener.

~Dottie

[irish_angel]

Welcome to PC James.

(((((((((hugs))))))))

we are all here to listen, and everyone needs someone at some point in their life and for people like us who dont like goin
out, thats what PC is for

Take Care
You are not alone.