[SUNNY2009]

This is just a rant .... it may stress you out .... so maybe dont read it if you feel stressed already ok

I have so much anxiety I feel like I am going to have a heart attack. My heart is racing so fast and I get waves of stress crashing on me, which stems from work and life related issues. I am looking for a release, writing usually helps so...here I am again. I have so much pressure on me. Son, house, job, mortgage, survival. I feel like I am in a race but running and running and unable to slow down. I take medication already, so now I am trying to learn how to cope better, got to step back. But I am not good at this.
I feel like I want to quit on everything. I am just so overwhelmed and wish this feeling would go away! I just burst into tears from writing this because I am so flooded with the stressful feelings. I feel like I have the world on my shoulders and I do not know how to unload it all.
UGH!
I want to pray to God but then I feel like I have no business asking him for help since I havent been praying regularly and I also feel shame for being weak. The overwhelming stress is causing me to be late for my job almost daily, I dont even want to get up in the morning, its causing me to feel like I have nowhere to turn and I just want to hide.
It isnt like I havent been managing my life, I mean I am 40 and successful, but I am alone and I am scared and I just feel so dam tired.
My T is good, but I have some transference issues there. So I have that on my mind. I am considering leaving him and finding a different path to peace .... but I dont know what path that is. I got a friend who helps me online and works with me to figure stuff out, but then there are feelings there too. Physically I am alone in my life, other than my son who I lov very much. But he is 16 and headed to seek his own path in the next few years. I have family, but we are distant and because we had suffered child abuse as kids I beleive it has caused all of us to be lost, seeking answers to understand how life works.
I feel lost. I feel like I still dont know so much about how to cope. I want to be in a relationship but have only just begun to understand why I am not in one for more than 10 yrs. The only relationships (friendship) I have been in for the last 2 yrs is with my T and my online friend. Both are male both are trying to help me both are trying to show me a postive friendship with a man, a postive male figure who is not taking advantage of me, they are trying to be encouraging and helpful and teaching me.
I love them for it.
But life is lonely and scary and I have so many changes that I have been faced with and working on and now I am in panic mode.
My job is just 100% stress all the time. I wish I could change jobs but that would mean less money and then things would be worse financially. I really need to learn how to change my view of my jjob and learn how to cope with the changes and daily traffic of the job. It just feels like I can never be too confortable and I can never feel secure with my positiion.
My finances have changed over the past 3 years and I have finally gotten down to the basics on spending and planning....the problem is things are tight. So now I am looking at options and although I have socializing issues I am forced o take on a tenant and rent out part of my home. Though I know it needs to be done and I have a person who is looking to move in and help with the costs of any work needed, I think deep down inside it am stirred up. I think this is part of the anxiety that I am experiencing.
On top of everything else I am trying to juggle, and the thot of having to learn how to accept another change and communicate with people is throwing me for a loop.
Alll of the regular issues I have been dealing with and the changes to my life are swirling around in a glass bowl around and around like a tornadoe and then pouring continuously onto my head and onto my chest, causing my soul to feel unsteady and unsure and insecure
I just want to feel better I just want to feel secure I just want to feel ok and not be sick to my stomach all the time with worry

I am sorry if you read this and it is negative and down and long....I just needed to get this off of my chest so I can feel a little bit better....
I just need to get a grip and get stronger than I feel .... i just need to stop feeling so damn tired and full of anxiety and panic

[madisgram]

sunny sometimes it takes some help to get a grip. i'm glad you posted about what's going on. i can understand why u feel overwhelmed. at least for now see your present T or get in to to see someone who perhaps can offer you some effective coping skills to get you through all this. sometimes we can't work through the mire by ourselves.
ps. i don't think your prayers will go unnoticed, justme.

[sunsetsunrise]

Sunny, wow you sure do have lots you are dealing with for sure. I also am going to comment on what you said about prayer. I am a big fan of prayer ( non religious for me). And I am going to share with you my reasoning. Maybe it will help. What I think is that loving spirit only knows us as the light we are. Yes we are going through challenges. But loving spirit only knows love. and never " shame for being weak" as you judge yourself to be. ( I do not believe your self judgement by the way)

I believe that all human beings have " free will" and that loving spirit must honor the law of free will and not intervine unless asked. And thats where prayer comes in. I believe its a request for them to act on my behalf rather than to stand back and honor free will. It doesnt matter to loving spirit that you have not prayed or asked for help in many years or decades. I believe they are delighted when we do. I believe that loving spirit knows only love and compassion for us. And very much wants to help.

So there is my reasoning why I believe that prayer aka asking for help is a wonderful thing to do. also I believe that loving spirit doesnt live in linear time. They dont think in terms that its been a decade since you said "hey can you help with ......" They dont care if you pray regularly or not.

By the way, I am not attached to outcomes. Because they know more about my life than I do. I am sure they hear. And whatever the outcome will be in my best interest, as long as I ask and know that I deserve to receive. Well this is not the best area to be writing at length about spiritual issues, but there ya have it. Perhaps my answer will be removed. But if it is, I hope only after you have read it.... if what I wrote would be of any assistance to you in some small way.

I have no religion. AND I wish I asked/ prayed more than I do. Believe me, I have lots of work to do on that issue also. May you find some peace soon. I am sure you deserve it

[Pikku Myy]

Hugs buddy You came to the right place!!!

[unico]

Wow, that is a lot to deal with! I don't think there's anything wrong with praying when you don't normally do it. I believe there are forces in the world that want the best for us, and you can still exercise free will while praying for a little extra help, even if you don't know how that help will appear or in what form.

[Yoda]

I don't have any answers but I am here to listen. You have got a lot going on. And it sounds like you are doing a really good job of managing your life except for the feeling part of it. I wish I could tell you how to not feel anxious but I don't deal well with my own anxiety.

[boodles]

Hi sunny2009. I don't want to say that I know how you feel, but I really believe I kind of do. From what you wrote, we have many similarities. I was in a vicious circle with work demands, had completely neglected and damaged any other relationships I had, and my life fell apart. I did not know how to manage the extreme anxiety, create boundaries or cut myself some slack. I always felt deficient. My coping mechanisms got weaker and weaker and then I crumbled. I am still recovering, but am making some progress little by little. Your anxiety about having someone move in is totally understandable. That's a big change, and if you're not comfortable socially, it would be anxiety-provoking.

I hope your therapist helps you by sharing methods to stop the escalation of the negative feelings, because it sounds like you start to have the feelings and they feed on themselves and start to overwhelm and you can't cut them off. That's how I have been. I recently started dialectical behavior therapy (dbt) and am amazed by the skills I am learning. But it's definitely a work in progress....

I just wanted to share some empathy...hang in there.

[SUNNY2009]

Thak you all for your support. Its back again... but I am tyrying to cope. Spoke with T last nite and he thought maybe I could cut back on the sessions from weekly to whenever I felt the need to talk with him. He is getting married soon .... that feels wierd ...but that is his life not mine.
My job has had some severe changes ... we are dropping the portfolio I current run and have been running for the last 2 yrs. Now I am cleaning up the loose ends but still dont know what I will be doing on a go forward basis. Got a coupl months before this part is done.... but cant help but worry about the future employment and duties.
The tenant has been in and out of my home everyday ....when I am not here. UGH! totally stresses me out,but I know he needs to do the work to get the place move in ready. Also his son comes each morning before school lto use my shower cuz theirs is broke at the home they live in.....but the son is here each day with my son.....it just stresses me out cuz I am at work and I have no idea whats going on when I am not here. They are good and always helping but I am still feeling the squeeze and stress from all the changes!

Anxiety is kicking in .... I know I got to be ok but I feel undone....
Thanks for reading my stuff
sorry if it is stressful or triggering for anyone ,,,

[PitchBlack]

I can really understand the feeling of having your boundaries crossed and the chaos. It's normal, when you are anxious, to fear what you do not know. Know that there are others who have been where you are. It does get better, and is survivable. Use whatever tools you have to keep going.