[steveb]

When my wife goes out I get angry and very anxius. Can anyone offer any advise on how to deal with these feelings.

[kimmydawn]

steve, welcome!

can you expand a little bit on this? when she goes shopping, etc? you get anxious and angry how?

we're here to listen.

kd

[steveb]

When my wife goes out for a short period of time I start to feel anxius but it does not turn to anger. However when she is gone for awhile the axienty turns to anger. I start to worry and wonder why she does not want to come home to me. HELP

[kimmydawn]

ok, steve. this does sound like some high anxiety issues. i really think you need to talk with a therapist to find out what your fears/anger is based on. there's something deep there that's causing these feelings. maybe you feel like she won't come back or you're oging to lose her while she's out?

this really needs to be talked out. how quickly can you get in to see a therapist? can you start calling around today?

let me know.

kd

[steveb]

Thanks for your input. I think some of the fear is from loosing a parent at a young age.

[seeker1950]

Steve,
I have a female friend who has been married to a man for 30 years of so. He doesn't want her out of his sight!!! He's a total control freak.
Everyone needs space, if only to go out shopping, to coffee with friends, to work, study, etc. It is part of trust and committment. I think your wife will begin to resent your anxiety/anger if it continues. We all need space, even in loving, committed relationships.
Seeker

[steveb]

I understand this behavior will destroy the relationship. I think I know where the anxity comes from I am trying to... Well lets just say think differently.

Hi Steve and welcome.

From the little bit you've shared, it sounds like your anxiety might stem from unresolved childhood grief?

I too lost a parent at a very young age, which has caused me lots of problems over the years. I understand the fear.

I basically put my grief on hold to comfort my surviving parent and was told by my stern grandmother to "be strong" for my mother and not let her see me cry. "Stand up straight" was her way of saying suck it up.

Not being allowed to grieve properly as a child, I quietly cried in my pillow at night so I wouldn't be heard and upset anyone.

Unresolved childhood grief due to the loss of a parent will have adults trying to fill a deep void in their lives, mostly in unhealthy ways. It also leads to a host of issues such as depression, anxiety, etc.

It sounds like what may be happening is when your wife goes out, the fear of her not coming back (like your parent not coming home) must intensify and bring out your unresolved issues of that loss.

Working with a T on this might just change your life.

Good luck,

Petunia

[kelbelle65]

Hi Steve,

I can relate very well to what you describe and for me it is a direct result of my OCD. I have an irrational fear that someone I know or love is going to be harmed so when my husband goes out, I worry that he will get into a car accident. If he is supposed to be home by say, 9 PM, what would happen for me is that I would start worrying franticly by 9:15 and I would go thru stages where I would get very ANGRY because he knew I have this problem/disorder and he is always later than he says he will be... just because he loses track of time and is not a good judge of how long things take to do (i.e., errands, appointments etc.) Now, this problem is very much under control for two reasons: one, I am best friends with Captain Lexapro (20 mg/day) and the Captain calms me to where I don't get angry anymore and I hardly worry at all unless my hubby is hours late and I can't reach him on his cell phone. and two, I was able to describe to my husband this disorder and ask him to give me something I need-- the reassurance that he is alive and well. So I recommend that you first talk to your wife. Tell her your worries and fears and see if she isn't willing to check in with you once while she's out so that you are calmed and reassured. Be sure to explain that it has nothing to do with trust or control. Describe the anxiety that you feel and tell her you have a need for safety and reassurance because you love her so much. Once I explained it this way to my husband, he understood and is very good about calling, which is part of the reason, along with the Lexapro that I don't worry as much anymore. It feels good to not be so anxious all the time.

I also lost a grandparent at a young age (11) and I thought it was my fault for not doing a certain OCD ritual at a certain time, yadda yadda yadda... but anyway, I know what you're feeling and I realize your anxiety may not have anything to do with OCD, but I think an anti-anxiety drug like Lexapro would help you immensely. Good luck.

Kelly