[luvtiels]

Hi. Its been a long time since I've posted. I find myself dealing with anxiety/panic on a daily basis now. I am sure its panic disorder and not GAD that I have, because I do not concern myself about every day things. What I worry most about is having a panic attack again.. in fact, I have had a few since I last posted here. How I managed to keep them internalized, I dont know. I was out at a bowling alley, doing beadwork, when it came out of the blue.

(I know it seems odd to be doing beading at a bowling alley, but my other place I used to go went non-smoking. So a bunch iof us coffee drinkers/smokers had to find another place to go).

Anyways, I was beading, and the symptoms hit, just like that. Coldness, heart flutters, jitters, freaky head feelings, the works. I somehow managed to keep all of this internal, not letting other people know what was happening. I kept asking God for help, and kept telling myself, "ride it out, it will be over soon". So I kept on beading, much slower than usual, but I did make it through. My rehab doc gave me some Lexapro a long time ago, but it didnt really work that well on the anxiety or the depression, so I gradually tapered myself off of them. I took 1/2 pill when I had the last attack, and it just made it worse, so I am now un-medicated completely. I am going to try to get into the local mental health system again --- this time I have a referral. so maybe it'll work. We'll see.

Why am I having these feelings every day now? It seems like I'm fighting off an attack almost constantly. My head feels disconnected from my body almost all the time now. Nighttime is the worst. I feel safer at the bowling alley than I do at home, when my hubby is working. A few people know I am having problems, and they kinda keep an eye on me, and I am sure I can trust them to help me if I need it.

I can't think of anything specific that triggers these attacks... they just happen, no matter what I am doing at the time. No warnings at all. That's the real scarey part --- there is nothing to tell me that it's coming... no "aura", or special odors, like in epilepsy. It's like somone turned on a light switch labelled "Panic mode ON".

[jmo531]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((luv)))))))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry your having to fight this every day. I can relate.

First off I would like to say that it take an incredible amount of restraint and power to be able to sit through an attack. But you did and for that, you should be proud. In addition, knowing you need help again to deal with this is another positive on your part.

I have dealt with this damn anxiety for many, many years. It seems that no matter what mind frame I can get myself into, it still scares the crap outta me when they come on. Fear of the worst kind.

Your not alone. I know it is difficult to deal with but your taking the right steps to deal with it. Keep your head up and please let us know how it is going.

[Myzen]

((((((((((luv))))))))))))

I agree with everything that Jen said.

Peaceful thoughts, M

[luvtiels]

Thanks Jen and My. I dont know how I'm able to sit thru an attack, either. The first one I had, in April, was a whopper... and not from Burger King (LOL). I screamed for my husband, quite literally. He wasnt home at the time, and I knew this, but I screamed anyway. After he got home, I couldnt sit still. I had to keep moving, or I was gonna pass out. At least thats how it felt. I was in alot of physical pain at the time, also going thru an attack of kidney stones. I think thats what set off the panic. Went to see my doc, and was admitted to hospital for surgery. When I was discharged on Saturday, I had another major panic attack as soon as my parents got me to their house. I didnt want to be alone, so I spent the day with them, until hubby got off work. The attack lasted the entire weekemd, until Monday afternoon. I was terrified, thought I was gonna die.

These current attacks arent nearly as strong, but they are rather distracting. I know I'm not going to die from them, and that they really cant hurt me. So I somehow manage to ride them out, keeping everything internal. I dare not let anyone else know what I'm going through. If they see that something is worng and want to know / help, they will ask if I'm alright. To which I answer, "not really, I'm trying to hold off a panic attack".

[Parker10]

I am sorry you are dealing with almost daily panic attacks. Not a fun thing to endure for sure. I truly understand the desire to not have people notice that you are having an attack, but actually seldom would they, as the physical symptoms we experience are internal and not visible to others. I remember feeling like I had a sign on my forehead blinking in red lights "PANIC ATTACK", but that really is not the case.

The attack while beading was handled exceptionally well ! You stayed focused on your beading, and used rational self statements "ride it out, it will be over soon". Those are the type of things that are taught to manage panic attacks - and you are already using them! Way to go !!!

The episode following your hospitalization for kidney stones is so typical - panic disorder many times manifests itself during or after a "life changing experience". While in the hopsital - you probably felt very safe -knowing IF you needed help during an attack, there were medical people right there, and when you left the hospital - they were no longer as available. (My attacks started after the birth of a child, so the event in your life can be a good one or bad one)

You state that you have to fight them off almost everyday. Actually, if your mind set is "fighting them off", being watchful for when one starts, wondering when it will happen, etc, you are setting yourself up to have an attack. There is a certain amount of fear each and every second that we are "waiting", "staying ready to fight one off" etc. The mind is vigilant, thus producing the same brain functions as if there were a bear in the next room and you are just waiting for it to come thru the door. The exact same things happen in our bodies to a REAL threat - the bear - as to the perceived threat - panic attack. ONCE we can learn not to fear another attack (and you are WAY ahead of most people because you KNOW that panic attacks do not kill you), to actually say "Come on attack, I am ready for you because you dont scare me" - they cannot happen. There has to be FEAR present before one can panic. You have so many tools that you already use, I think you will overcome the fear that breeds the panic easily with some guidance.

Feeling safer at the bowling alley is OK. Many of us have "safe areas". Keeping your beads handy all the time, and if you start feeling anxious - get your hands and mind occupied with the beads........GREAT distraction technique !!!!

It is not unusual to have no warning that you are about to have an attack - or at least a warning you recognize. For many people it is a simple "unusual feeling in their gut", or "feeling alittle dazed", or some TINY physical activity that somehow trips our trigger to think "Now that felt strange, what is.......... and BOOM the panic starts. Many people are not aware of what their triggers are for awhile, so the fact you don't know when or what sets yours off is not unusual. Whatever it is that causes your panic to start - is a thought. Once we learn what our triggering thoughts are - the easier it is to use more and more rational self talk, etc.

I am so glad you have arrangements to meet with a professional. With some more coping skills in place, learning diaphragmatic breathing, etc, I hope you soon feel much better !

There IS life after panic !