[Chaddiwicker]

I've always been a worrier. I've had a couple anxiety attacks in the past, but have only recently discovered what anxiety really is.

I wake up with a knot in my stomach almost every morning. During the day, my chest will get tight/tense and sometimes I'll have heart palpitations. I find that my foot will shake trying to disperse some of the "energy". Sometimes, I have minor trembling.

I have an appointment to get a C-Pap today for my sleep apnea. I want to cancel. I don't want to have to deal with people and go out in the real world. Due to my depression, I've been mostly apartment bound for a few years. Only go out to get groceries and for necessary appointments.

Applied for disability. Denied. Still in appeals. Feels bleak. This new form of anxiety started when I began to realize that it's unlikely I won't get disability. Now I might be forced to participate in the world because I won't be able to support myself if I don't get a job. That means dealing with people EVERY DAY. I have a poor work record. I don't know how I'm going to be able to get a job.

Moved six months ago. Got a new therapist here. Didn't like her. Started a new therapist last week. The first appointment was mostly history. Worried about this appointment.

Wish someone would say it was okay to be alone in my apartment for the rest of my life or for me to choose when I wanted to come out instead of being forced to participate for the next 30 or 40 years.

[sundog]

Hi Chaddiwicker, I can really relate to the physical anxiety symptoms you describe, as well as waking up with high anxiety in the mornings. I'm sorry you're dealing with this

What I have found is that the more I avoid things, the worse my anxiety becomes. It's really important for me to try and push myself to keep doing certain activities. But it's also very hard to do that when you're dealing with intense anxiety and panic attacks.

Are you taking any medication? I take an anti-depressant and it has helped somewhat with my anxiety. I'm too scared to take benzo's because I worry about addiction, but I know that benzo's, when taken as prescribed, can help some people a lot.

I really hope you like your new therapist and that s/he can help you.

Good luck with your c-pap appointment today. If the c-pap helps you sleep better then that can only be a good thing for your anxiety too.

[Landance]

"Wish someone would say it was okay to be alone in my apartment for the rest of my life or for me to choose when I wanted to come out instead of being forced to participate for the next 30 or 40 years."

Is the wish that you could stay in your apartment forever really how you feel or is that the anxiety talking?

I've been down that path before, and I don't want to be there again. I found my room to be my safe zone and just thinking of leaving it would be an automatic panic attack. I was always alone, flunked some college classes, and couldn't even go to the bathroom down the hall without panic.

A few tips:
Make a list of things you want to accomplish and do them no matter what. If you avoid it, you will make it worse. It will help you realize that you can do anything you set your mind to and the anxiety doesn't control you. Also try try meditation/deep relaxation before bed and/or waking up and consider seeing a psychiatrist since meds can be really helpful for reducing of removing anxiety once you find one that works for you. You may be worried about the therapist now, but give it a chance and you may find some good words of wisdom.

I understand this is difficult to deal with. I am here if you need any help.

[Yesterdays]

Hey

I'm not really sure what kind of advice I can offer, but I just wanted to tell you that I can definitely relate and understand. I struggle with anxiety too, as part of my depression, and sometimes I feel the urge to never even leave the house again. It's a hard one to get rid of, and it doesn't just go away on its own. I'm currently working on it in therapy, and I think it's a good idea to try to keep up with the therapy and talking through this anxiety. Otherwise it will only start to control you even more.

Sorry there's not much more I can say, but I wish you the best of luck and I hope that soon you're anxiety free. Hang in there.

[Chaddiwicker]

Originally Posted by Landance

Is the wish that you could stay in your apartment forever really how you feel or is that the anxiety talking?

Thank you to everyone who responded.

Yes, I really wish I never had to leave my apartment. I know that's not normal. The only people I would like to see are my friend, Randy, and my mom. I can get the social interaction I need online, if I want it. I do feel lonely at times, but I think that's because everybody tells me I should feel lonely. All the couples and families on television. Regardless, loneliness is not something I feel often. I really want to live a hermit-like existence.

World doesn't work that way. People keep trying to change me. Trying to make me conform. Trying to make me fit it. They mean well. I don't think that everyone in the world is made to be around people. The vast majority, yes. Everyone, no.

[ECHOES]

Wish someone would say it was okay to be alone in my apartment for the rest of my life or for me to choose when I wanted to come out instead of being forced to participate for the next 30 or 40 years.

It is okay to do this, if you are happy doing this. This is your life and you get to live it how you want to. However, if there are things you want that mean not staying in, then therapy is the way to go! Hang in there... things will feel better.

[Mustkeepjob32]

I agree with wishing they would stop telling us what we should do and sometimes I also too want to just be at home and never leave. However, I would also think that if someone did spend their whole life inside the apartment, they would be depriving themselves of a much more happier, fulfilling life. Yes there are scary things outside of the house, but comfort at home only takes one to a certain level...never to self-fulfillment or happiness.

[Skully]

I wish I could help but I have the same issues. I dream of my mom and she died almost 6 years ago. I wake up and remember she is gone and I panic then feel really, really alone. It stinks, I know how you feel

[Chaddiwicker]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

It is okay to do this, if you are happy doing this. This is your life and you get to live it how you want to.

Thanks for saying this. My therapist said it too. I broke down crying when she did. Why? Because I realized that, even though I was hearing someone say it, it doesn't make it a reality. If I could find a way to support myself then that would be okay, but I don't know how to do that and not leave the apartment. I don't have any rich friends or relatives that can (or even would) allow me to mooch off of them for my entire life. I wouldn't mind being a house husband though I don't think the man exists who could look past all my flaws, my physical appearance and my mistakes in life. My roommate now is incredible and I am very thankful for him, but I imagine he will reach his limit at some point.

The therapy appointment went well yesterday. My fears were that I wouldn't be believed or that she would expect me to be better immediately. None of that happened. The first therapist I had here hardly spoke or gave me any feedback. Not very empathic. This therapist is much better and is going to be a better fit. I actually left the therapy appointment feeling kinda good. Of course, guilt for feeling good started almost immediately and my mood went back down during the day. Woke up with a knot in my stomach again this morning. Frustrated that things aren't all better after 1 good therapy session. Therapist focused on trying to forgive myself and not put too much pressure on myself. Trying to remember that today.

[Chaddiwicker]

Originally Posted by Skully

I wish I could help but I have the same issues. I dream of my mom and she died almost 6 years ago. I wake up and remember she is gone and I panic then feel really, really alone. It stinks, I know how you feel

I lost my best friend to cancer almost 5 years ago. She was 33. I often wish I could have traded places with her. She very much wanted to live. Me? Not so much.

My condolences.

[Skully]

[quote=Chaddiwicker;1616930
She very much wanted to live. Me? Not so much.
My condolences.[/quote]

Awww, don't feel that way! You are a good person and your life is worth living!!!

[snowsnowsnow]

I read your meesage today,and it mde me think of how I felt when I didnot have a job. The more I stayed in my apartment the more depressed I became.Getting out made me feel alot better. I had just moved in my new apartment-didn't really know anyone,but speaking with my neighbors and making small conversations realied my anxiety. That was in late spring and during the summer.The winter time is a horse of a different color.I live in Ohio and the winters are very cold and i get depressed.I look outside and see the snow covered cars and temperatures in the teens-I just go back to bed and watch t v and escape into the world of television. I get depressed and don't want to face the real world.I decided to go back to college.Now it is not my choice to stay at home.It I don't perform well,the college will expell me and i will have to start paying back the money i borrowed.This is not an option because I have not skills.I will stay in college untill i get my degree.Now I am feeling less depressed because I have a goal in life.My advise to you is get out more with people.We have some things in common we all are apart of the human race,like it or not.We all get depreesed,but staying inside will only make matters worse.We all social human beings we need each other.Try It One Step At A Time. You will slowly feel better
from-snowsnow

[sugahorse1]

I feel your pain.
I'm going through the same thing now; it hurts xxx
But you're not alone

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by Chaddiwicker

The therapy appointment went well yesterday.

Chaddiwicker,

Feeling SO much better staying at home. I can really, really relate. I actually do like to go out to the pharmacy from time to time. The pharmacy and anywhere where there are flowers or plants. Other than that, it feels spot on to be here in my apartment. I worked in retail for nine years. Now I cannot deal with people at all. Therapy is really helpful (for me). I'm so glad you have found your T easy to relate to. It took me about eight sessions to feel comfortable with mine. Now I really appreciate her. Sending many supportive thoughts your way.

Elana