Problem with Communication

I don't know if this is the right forum, but I have a problem with being able to talk about personal and important things with people. I want to talk with them about something important to me, usually something that is giving me anxiety, but I can never get it out of my mouth.

Tonight I wanted to talk about something with this guy I'm dating. He said we would talk about it tonight, but I didn't bring it up and neither did he. I think since I didn't bring it up, he didn't think I wanted to talk about it. But I wanted more than anything to talk about it! I just didn't know what to say or how to get the words out of my mouth. This is so frustrating and I'm worried that I'm going to ruin whatever I have with this guy because I can't tell him any of my concerns. So he thinks everything is good, but I cry myself to sleep at night.

I don't know what to do. Does anyone else have this problem? What can I do? Why can't I just say something? Communication is so important, but I don't know how to communicate.

I don't have any social anxiety issues but I do have generalized anxiety and can relate to the feeling if not the cause. Anyway, while reading your post I had a thought, could you write down what it is you want to say? Or maybe write down enough that it will get the conversation started? Just write "I'm afraid to say this out loud" at the top so he knows why you're handing him a note and then write what you want to say. He'll probably start talking at that point and I'm hoping this will open you up and you'll talk.

I'm sorry you've been crying yourself to sleep at night. I know that kind of misery and I'm sorry you're going through it. I hope you start feeling better and that you'll keep posting on PC so we know how you're doing.

Cyran0

Thank you for your reply Cyran0. It's funny that you say to write things down because I have noticed that I'm much bolder when I write text messages to him. I don't want to send this in a text message though, so maybe when I see him tomorrow I can take your advice and write something to him.

I have to admit I'm scared to do that too though. I'm scared he'll think I'm a little weird if I do that. I've been feeling pretty depressed for about a month, but I haven't told him because I am scared he will think something is wrong with me and then distance himself. He's originally from another country and I'm from the US and he has already said that he doesn't understand the American obsession with being depressed. That automatically made me think that I can't tell him if I feel that way. He will either think I'm "crazy" or I'm another one of those "depressed" Americans. My depression isn't what I want to talk with him about though. What if I'm just overreacting?

On the depression front you may want to start a casual conversation about depression being a real illness. I know talking is hard for you but if you're not talking about yourself maybe it will be easier and you can get a clearer idea of how he feels about the subject.

As for appearing weird, well, hopefully it will come off as more quirky than weird. Most guys don't understand women anyway and often shrug it off or think it's cute when girls do something innocently weird. At any rate, I think you'll be better off dealing with being a little weird versus suffering in silence.



Cyran0

Thanks Cyran0. And what you said is so true about suffering in silence. It's such a terrible feeling. I have to remind myself about men not understanding women, especially since I don't understand men, lol. He's probably just as clueless as I am.

Good luck and let us know how it turns out.

Cyran0

Hi spacid. Could u maybe talk about something and just lightly move the conversation into a direction where it would jog his memory? Like maybe use did something or went somewhere that night use were supposed to talk and go from there? That also might jog his memory??? Good luck

So I chickened out, but we did talk about stuff all night together. Of course things that I really want to talk about I didn't have the guts to bring up. I did say one thing I wanted to say, but then he made a joke and it put me off saying anything else. He doesn't understand how hard it is for me to say things to him and I'm not sure how to tell him. I told him I'm not good with conversation, but I'm not sure whether he believes me.

He asked me once when my last relationship was and I told him the truth. I was in high school (I'm 28 now so that is obviously a long time) but he said he didn't believe me. I don't know if he was joking or not. Sometimes I have a hard time telling the difference when a person is serious or not. My first instinct is to take them seriously. I've been wanting to ask him whether he really did believe me or not, but like always I can't get the words out of my mouth. I don't understand why he wouldn't believe me.

I tend to clam up when really heavy conversations come up. Especially with my husband - and he's the one guy I know has my back! I have rejection issues so I'm always worried that what I say will be taken wrong pr poorly.

I'm getting to where I understand that it can just make it worse for my anxiety if I let it drag out. I tend to agonize over it when if I just say it, it's over.

I hope you can find a way to say what's on your mind. It's so hard though....

Hello, spaceid. This guy already has told you he does not understand the obsession with depression in the United States. He also flat out said he did not believe you when he asked about previous relationships. These comments are red flags for me.

My concern is if you continue to avoid discussing the mental health issues you are dealing with because you fear he will distance himself there may well be greater consequences for you down the road for failing to do so. I think you are better off being forthright now and risking his loss of interest than having him leave you after he has captured your heart. If you and he are able to work though his concerns after your disclosure, all the better.

As an aside, I suspect generalities about what most men think are really personal perceptions and may not be universally held. I say this because you mentioned your friend originally is from another country, which in my view make generalities even more unreliable in your situation.

I don't think I explained the situation well enough. He didn't flat out not believe me, he said it in a more joking way. He also was not trashing depressed Americans, it was just more his opinion. If I felt he was too judgmental I would not want anything further with him. I just had to explain that because I think it could be interpreted in different ways.

I understand what you are saying about generalities. It is definitely hard to analyze things off of something someone writes on a forum.

I know this is an old post, but it is still relevant to my situation.

So I am planning on asking him to go with me to North Carolina. He used to live there and talks about it all the time. I was talking to my therapist and she suggested that it would be a good idea to go between spring and summer courses and it would be just the two of us. He is going to Indiana to visit a friend for a week and he might go to Maryland to visit another for a little while. I told him I wanted to go on vacation too and he asked me where. Instead of saying, "I want to go to North Carolina with you because I want to see everything that you tell me about" I say "I don't know." I was so scared I just froze. Could not get those simple words out of my mouth. What is wrong with me. It was perfect timing. He asked me and I blew it! But all my mind can think is "what if he says no?" I would be so frustrated if he said no. And crushed. This is so terrible and now I'm going to be thinking about it all night!