[sadsackgirl]

i have lived with anxiety for as long as i remember. Growing up was tough even though i know my family cared for me. My father had bipolar disorder and he never got treatment, but my mother was one of those people who only got sad/depressed when bad things happened. I spent my entire childhood trying to work out "what would happen next" (does that make sense?). My parents argued a lot and i was scared of my dad. I was 11 when he died and although i grieved i also felt relief because peace came into our lives. And i have always felt guilty for that. Anxiety has always been with me i can remember panicking about all kinds of things from about the time i started school at age 4 and a half. Too many things to go into here. Not a lot of friends at school, the only daughter in a family of 6 kids...and lots of responsibilities from a young age...and i was always trying to please my mum. I know she appreciated it and she loved me but she never understood me. Saying things like "you remind me of your father when u do that" didn't help. so as a lonely teen i got into drugs and alcohol...i know i did it to make myself feel better, more interesting etc..and a couple of my brothers did it too so i thought it was fine. Suddenly i had so many "friends"....i had "confidence" ....what a joke. I allowed my first boyfriend to treat me like garbage but i accepted it was the best i could have. so sadto look back now...My next relationship was with a man who adored me to the point of obsession...Emotional abuse led to domestic abuse when i tried to leave. thats a story for another time..I have one thing i am proud of though....i devoted all my time to my children and they have grown into fine adults and we are very close. I have tried to never judge them..because i always felt judged and criticized. Of course i worried about them constantly...reliving and comparing every event in their lives with mine..But i am proud to say that they never lived the self destructive lifestyle that i lived. I am now 45, still anxious, also depressed. I lost my job and i feel my future is very bleak. Also last year my brother died and we were very close but i feel i let him down when he needed me most...i feel selfish because i was too wrapped up in my own misery. I have a lot of other things haunting me from my past. I have seen my GP and i was put on Aropax (Paxil?) which felt so weird i had to stop taking it. I have also been on HRT as i am menopausal, but that only helped with the physical symptoms. I am no longer able to afford it. My GP sent me to a counsellor but it was way too expensive and i don't know if there are any free services out there. I also think that there are a lot of people out there suffering more than me with much more serious issues surely they deserve the help more? I don't know what to do anymore and i just don't want to face the world. thanks for listening

[gma45]

sadsackgirl, I thank you for sharing your story. Reading it made me feel like I was reading my own life! I am trying to find the free services in my area so I can get some help at least with my anxiety attacks I have been having they seem to just be paralyzing me. I too don't want to face the world as I feel I don't have much to offer any more. I do sometimes feel better getting on this site at least I know I am not alone with these sad feelings. I try to think positive and tell myself things will be better. Sorry I don't have any good ideas for you to try. Maybe it will be a bit better just knowing someone out here has been through similar circumstances.

[sadsackgirl]

Hi gma45 thanks for replying to my post! It was hard for me being that honest but nice to know someone out there can relate to me Lately i have been worse than ever because i lost my job 2 months ago. Haven't even managed to get an interview since then I live in a small town with high unemployment so i know this isn't totally my fault..i lost my job when the business closed down. But it is so hard going out and asking for work..i have tried a lot of places with no luck. I do a bit of voluntary work which is really good for me, but i still have too much time at home to think and my mind and my memories go crazy sometimes. For some reason, its worse in the morning..I cry for no reason, or i cry for many reasons....I can pull myself together to see my son off to work but then i often can't get motivated to do anything for myself. Sometimes i go for a long walk..ipod on full blast to drive out the sad/negative thoughts. That helps....as long as i do it...Because other days i will just bury myself in a book, go online, avoid the world in general. When i talk to my family or friends I never tell them how bad i really feel, i don't want them worrying about me. My partner is very understanding with me, he's seen more tears than anyone and he gives me my space. He has tried to learn about depression and anxiety to understand me He is an optimistic person which was what drew me to him in the first place. I know i am blessed with people who love me...this is why i will keep trying to get on top of all these depressing feelings.... Hugs to you and yours