[Estee1]

I do hate it when my mum treats me like some kind of hopeless case. She says things like, 'Do you want me to come over to your place today and help you?' 'Do you want me to come and wash the dishes or sit with you?'It makes me feel like I'm not capable of looking after myself. I do understand that she wants to be helpful but somehow I can't accept that. I feel like she wants to make me into her patient so that she will have someone to look after. Makes her feel worthwhile I suppose. Beside the fact that she talks non stop. If I'm not well, the last thing I need is her talking non stop asking me questions and expecting me to talk. I haven't got room in my head to talk. I am overwhelmed with thoughts already and I can't concentrate on a conversation. The weirdest thing is that she can sit with me for hours and hours talking and talking. But I don't know what she is going on about and I have to keep asking her what did you say? But she never gets annoyed. If someone I was talking to wasn't listening to a word I said I would either take a hint and stop talking pretty soon or I would get angry and go home. I don't think she cares. It's crazy.
People ask me how I am doing and I say that I'm good but really I'm not. I went to the pdoc the other day and I had had some really bad days but I didn't tell her. I didn't want to say anything because she talked about specific things and we were at the end of the session. I was too scared that she would say we haven't got time now. Which she probably wouldn't anyway. I act like everything is fine sometimes but it's not.
I used to think that I wanted to get married and have children. It was a lifelong dream but now I can't imagine it. I can't even look after myself so how could I possibly look after anyone else? I don't think I want children anymore. It all seems so overwhelming. I haven't got space in my mind to talk to them as I should or to give them what they need. I can't even cook a proper meal for myself. Maybe I'm just too selfish.

estee, you aren't selfish. your disease is talking to you. those tapes are running in your head.

i'm sure you mum means well and i am also sure that it drives you crazy. i know that i can't take much talking either. sometimes i'd like to slap a customer. or scream "shut the ---- up".

i think it might help to make a list for your Pdoc and show it to her. show her your concerns. can you e.mail her? i'm here. keep me posted. xoxoxo pat

[Estee1]

he he he he he. Yes some customers can be so annoying. It's like they have a sign on their head that says, 'Slap me.' my mum wanted to do something with me tonight but all I want to do is go to bed. I feel lousy. She just sent me a message that said "I thought you spend christmas with family. Such and such used to go everywhere with her daughters." It bugs me. I hate it. I just don't feel well and I certainly don't want to tell her that i don't feel good. I don't want her asking me questions and wanting to come and help me. I just wish she would accept my NO without having to go on with all this rubbish. It's so stressful. I hate people manipulating me. She always gets really jealous of me spending time with my friends and she hates every friend that I get. She just wants to keep me for herself.

[samsara]

Feyrody's suggestion is a very good one, especially if you are uncomfortable talking about yourself and how you are feeling.

I always try to show up for an appointment with a 1-page summary of what has been happening with me. I just hand this to the pdoc or therapist at the start of the session. That way the time gets spent where the need is. They appreciate it because they don't have to pry it out of me, and I am very forgetful so if I don't write it down and they don't ask it doesn't get dealt with. And, as you point out, pdocs in particular are on very tight schedules.

I have found that surrendering to others is very important. It's hard to do, but it's harder to carry the burden and nigh unto impossible to make progress by yourself. I was stuck until I "gave up" and started actively seeking help and support from friends and family.

You might try being direct with your mom about talking your ears off. She probably feels she is comforting you, and is unaware of the real effect she is having. Just a thought. I have found family to be really important, even though it sometimes takes a few repetitions for them to "get it."

It is hard to accept help and admit that you need help. It's sort of normal you would find it hard. I know that I found it hard, and I'm glad I took the step of surrendering. I have become much stronger as a result. Also less harsh and more compassionate, for some reason.

All the best.

[Lexicon78]

It sounds like your mom means well. I'd just let her do her thing or maybe try talking to her about how you feel. I think it's important to let your pdoc know what's going on with you. That way she can treat you more effectively.

I completely understand your lifelong dream about having children. I used to have that dream myself, but after so much abuse and the inability to financially take care of myself, I've decided it's best to just give up on that dream of mine. It saddens me, but I'm trying to make decisions that are good for me and anyone else. I just couldn't provide for children, ya know?

Try to hang in there. We're all there for you.

[Estee1]

Yes I think I know what you mean. I don't have much money and I want to be able to give a child a good life. Not a life where they are always going without. I certainly want to be a good mum but can't see how I would be. I can't even work more than 10 hours a week. Being a parent is like having a full time job and more.
About telling the pdoc.... Maybe I will start writing down the really bad days so that I can tell her when I go there. I do forget so much because my life is so full of bad days sometimes.

[Estee1]

My mum also has a mental illness. She is very immature also. I cannot have very meaningful conversations with her. She see's things in a very different way. She is sometimes like a little girl in the way she speaks and acts, the things she talks about. Right now I am feeling very angry at her, not that I would show it. Hope she is not angry with me tommorrow. I'm scared about having to see her.
She can't really help me. Maybe with some practical things but I would not open up and tell her about my pain and that sort of thing. She has no words to help me and I feel repulsive sharing private things with her.
But if she says something tommorrow about me not wanting to spend time with her today, I'll just be honest and tell her that I was sick. Maybe then she won't be grumpy. But I don't know, I hate telling her personal things.

[Estee1]

I spoke to mum on the phone before. She wasn't grumpy and I hope she stays that way. I hate it when she gets angry. I can't take it. I'm not turning up for christmas lunch early in case she uses the spare time to try to make me feel bad. I want to go to bed!