I'm so afraid.....

4 days for my appointment and the closer it gets the worse my anxiety gets. I've been waiting since August for this appointment for my anxeity. Now that it's getting closer it's getting worse. I keep getting these thoughts...

All day long I get these feelings in my chest. My chest starts to feel heavy, like someone is sitting on it. I don't feel like I take breathe and then my chest starts hurting. That's about when I realize it's the anxiety but by that point there really is no turning back, there is just fighting the vcurrent feelings. Once they start they are there for the remainder of the day. I have to fight all day long to keep from a panic. I don't know why I'm so anxious.

When I was younger I didn't think I would make it to 13. I remember always feeling this way. When I made it to 13 I thought I would pass before I turned 16. When I turned 16 I thought the same for 18 and when I turned 18 I felt the same about 21. I don't know why. Now a similar feeling is emerging about making it to this appointment I've been waiting so long to go to. The appointment is about both physical and mental issues. The anxiety appears to be causing seizures and fainting spells and such so getting even more anxious is not a good thing...

I don't know why I'm writing. I can't believe I was as honest as I was above about that... I try not to say anything and try not to think it. I fell like if I think it or say it, it will make it happen.

I'm getting anxiety attacks for no reason. I get the feeling and no negative thoughts are running through my mind. They always just pop out of no where. It's only after they start that the negative thoughts start.

Just 4 more days.... 56 hours... I'm so afraid of this. The stress causes blackouts. And I can never tell if it's going to be a normal blackout or one medically caused. I get taken away and the worst feeling is memory loss followed by everyone in the room standing over you while you lay on the floor, your boyfriend over you with tears pouring down his cheeks and the entire room is different than it seemed to be just a second before you lost your memory. But you really lost consciousness for minutes and not seconds. It's so horrifying. I'm so afraid of my own self, of my own mind. It's so scary when everyone is standing over you thinking you were going to die, thinking you had died.

They thought I was dead the night I had the seizure. I don't know... I didn't go to the ER until 3 days later when the feeling started to come back. There were 4 people in the room and they all thought I was dead. They thought I was dead when I stopped breathing for nearly 3 minutes when I fainted 2 years ago as well... It's so scary... I don't know what will happen next or when it will happen. Those two instances both happened while I was under a large amount of NORMAL stress. I was having normal thoughts, going about my normal business and they happen. What will happen if things go terribly wrong? Will I make it through next time?


I'm so afraid...

Oh sweetie, I've been meaning to reply but things have been...not great.
If I added up properly, your appointment is tomorrow which means, if you are anything like me, you're a basket case.

I don't really have much to say other than I understand what you are going through.
I also get really nervous about going to the doctor but mine is more of a needle phobia than anything but I digress. One thing I find is that by the time I get to my appointment, I'm so anxious and wound up that I forget half the things I wanted to bring up. Or I forget everything. So it might help if you print out your post and if you need to you can hand it to your doctor . I'm also suggesting this because you said you were surprised that you could get all that out so honestly -having it written means you aren't required to tell it again.

Now as I ramble on, I'm neglecting to tell you what might help.

• Take a deep breath. I noticed that sometimes I would hold my breath when I was stressed -definitely does not help anxiety. I get annoyed when people tell me to take a deep breath when I'm panicking because somehow it just isn't that easy -they don't understand ___(insert thought of panic). So I try to remember to take deep breaths when I'm not anxious, make a habit out of it so when I am anxious I CAN take a deep breath.
• Slow down. I've always been a fast paced person -I work 60-70 hours a week/I worked full time throughout high school. I have the notion that I am superwoman (not in that I'm fantastic -just that I should be able to "Do it all") and I just need to move a little bit faster. When I can't I get anxious. So another thing I've been working on is literally slowing down. I slow down my pace when I walk, I remind myself that the world will not end if I take an extra 30 seconds to type something up, I don't speed from one job to the next.
• Caffiene -avoid it. I've drank a tea every morning since I could lift the cup. At this point, I can't drink more than that. If I have a soda, a coffee, too much chocolate I will get jittery. I get that body anxiousness without the thoughts that you describe. It feels like I could climb up walls while pulling my hair out.
• Calming music. Sometimes all it would take would be a fast tempo- d song on the radio to get my heart racing. And then my mind would try to catch up and BAM -for no reason at all I was panicking.

I think I've rambled on more than is helpful now. Just know that we are hear for you and I will be thinking about you and hoping you get what you need from you appointment It will be ok

Thank you SO much silent! I really appreciate your reply. It was so kind and so informative. The closer my appointment gets, the more anxious I get... The more I have an urge to flee. I don't know why but I'll be danged if my mind is what stops me from going to that appointment tomorrow. Nothing will stop me, I need to go and I need it for my mental state.

Your advice was amazing. I don't know if you realize just how perfect it related to me. The breathing is terrible. I do stop breathing before I even notice the attack is coming on. It's the first sign. I don't even realize I had stopped breathing either until the chest heaviness and pain starts. Then I take a deep breath. It does seem to help when I do that though, it doesn't feel like I'm getting the air into my lungs at the time but I know I am and in a panic attack I have to try and convince myself of facts not feelings.

Slow down hit the strongest chord for me. I'm in such a rush non stop. I have to be going going going. I have to be moving and everything is rushed for me. I'm constantly running at full speed. I've often (more recently than any other time) thought that slowing down could help the anxiety but the anxiety is why I am moving so fast. I start to get nervous and anxious when I have no plans. I guess the idea of having nothing to do but be alone with my thoughts puts me into panick because when I have no plans, the attacks are worse. When I'm going going going it's like a temporary distraction from the fear... But it doesn't last long and I have panic attacks during my "distractions" all of the time. I can tell though that as much as I'm going it is making things worse. If not for any other reason than sleep. I get panicked if I fall asleep too early or wake up too late. I have to have as much waking time as I possibly can, if I waste any time than I feel very uneasy and nervous. So I average just barely 5 hours of sleep a night. That is not making the anxiety easier. I do need to slow down, allow myself more time for sleep and more time for relaxation.

Caffeine... It's so funny that you should say that... Within this past week I have noticed on my own that caffeine actually makes the attacks worse. They trigger it because like you said they cause the jitters and the jitters trigger my attacks. I get the same jitters from caffeine as I do from an anxiety attack so I think it tricks my mind into thinking I'm having an attack sometimes which triggers an attack. Maybe I should cut down to just one a day from now on instead of 5-7 bottles....

And as far as music goes.... You're so right... I have my calming music that's worked for the last 10 years for me... I should probably put it back in the CD player. It always helps to ease my mind. Thank you so much again for your reply, it really did help and I will post an update when I get back from the doc tomorrow. I'm about to be leaving work in 15 minutes, gotta finish up around here! Thank you so so much for your reply!!!!!

You will go tomorrow and when its all done you will wonder what you were so worked up about. That is what usually happens to me anyway. I'll be thinking of you!

Was your appointment today? I hope it went really well!

Do let us know how the appointment went.......I hope all is well
Hugs;

Hi hope your appointment went well today.

The appointment was yesterday.. It wasintersting to say the least....... He gave me a completely new look on things. I was diagnosed with DID, bipolar, schizo, anxiety disorder manic depression and ptsd. I don't know which is real or not. But basically my life is like a bad trip that never ended. Perhaps my mom took some LSD while she was pregnant with me, I wouldn't be surprised. But anyways, I get visuals, I am in deep thought non stop, I hear things, I have dillusional thoughts, I have bouts of mania, I have blackouts, I feel things that are not real. I hear voices inside my head and outside my head. I didn't tell the doc about the voices or hallucinations...He's not a t or my pdoc and it was my first appointment. What I did tell him was enough for a new patient. I told him about the blackouts, about the fainting and seizure and how they resemble blackouts. I told him about other blackouts in my past. He than asked if I got migraines from these blackouts. I told him yes and explained them to him. He then went on to tell me that I was not bipolar and I was not DID. 30 minutes in the room with him and he dismissed those two main dx's I've had for the last 10 years. But he gave me a new idea to consider. He says he believes I have "anxiety personality disorder" and that these blackouts and such are a reaction to the migraines that I get after the blackouts?! One doctor when I was 14 said that my depersonalization was caused by a "warning" sign that I was about to have a mazzive headache. And boy did I have headaches after those but how can you not when you have an "out of body experience"? So I think I'm gonna post yet again and see if someone knows anything about this "anxiety personality disorder" or if someone is like me basically with all these symptoms no doctors can figure out... Thanks so much for your replies!!!
Oh and he gave me two meds he said were for anxiety. One of them is being mailed to me and the other I will be picking up after work today. I don't remember the names for them. He gave me refills for 12 months and made another appointment for January 25th. He only works in the office one day a week so he doesn't have many oppenings. It's a office for retired doctors that volunteer. I think I'm going to go to the clinic and try to get referred to a t or pdoc to help a little more. You can't undiagnose someone and rediagnose them that quickly from such a short appointment can you? I mean if I don't have them than I don't have them I'm OK with that, but don't tell me I don't have them unless you know for certain and you know the history right? It took my t a year to come up with the DX of DID and this doc took 30 minutes to day no and give me a new name... I'm so much more confused. But he said he didn't think I would have another seizure any time soon at the least but couldn't tell me I wouldn't have one again of course and said that I would have to deal with this anxiety issue with blackouts for the rest of my life and basically wont get my license back while I'm dealing with this issue... I'm so confused... But what a relief to get some anxeity meds... Well one is a "beta blocker" whatever that is... He says it will block the migraines and in turn cause the blackouts to stop??? Then he gave me one that he said was originally used to lower blood pressure but is now used for anxiety. I'm alright with that one but I don't know if he knows that I already have low blood pressure normally. If it's 117/95 it's kinda high for me. Typically it's a lot lower... Hope that doesn't matter I don't see him again for 3 months... Hope it works though...

Wow....that sounds eventful.
Did you have a chance to tell the dr about the previous diagnosises/history?

One thing my T pointed out (probably because she's not a medical dr) that she finds it more important to treat symptoms than a diagnosis. The reason I think that makes sense is that when it comes to say, anxiety, while there is similarities, we are all going to have differences. Also mental illnesses tend to blurr lines, in that my anxiety may cause me to feel depressed. And there are some typical symptoms of anxiety that I don't feel. So treat what is there.

There are benefits of having a diagnosis and I would probably be quite confused and....maybe annoyed if this new dr threw out all the ideas I had been coming to terms with from the last dr.

I do think it's important that you explain to the dr about the voices and hallucinations because those are symptoms that you probably want treated. He may recommend a different med to treat those if he's aware of them. I also think getting a referral for a pdoc or T would be beneficial -especially if you can see them more often than every 3 months.

I'm happy you've gotten the appointment out of the way and that's something you don't have to worry about. I hope the medications he gave you help calm things down

Thank you for your reply silent! I do know, all too well that the name isn't the most important thing. But as you said, it can really help knowing at least where to start so you don't always have to treat the symptoms and can kind of fix the problem once you know what it is. But the symptoms are the biggest part and right now my biggest issue is the anxiety. In all honesty, the hallucinations don't bother me too terribly right now... They are annoying and scare me, but if my anxiety weren't so bad I wouldn't be as jumpy. It took years of therapy but I know now that the things that I see are only real to me and no one else. I kind of look at it like someone is showing me and only me something for my ammusement. I guess it's not the best approach but it works to not have me freaking out over them anymore. I can tell now what's real and what's just in my head... Well for the most part. It would be nice to be hallucination free, but it's not a huge concern as long as the hallucinations just stick to one or two words or shadows and small things like that.

I should have told him about the hallucinations... I kind of wish I had, maybe he would have given me a referral to see a therapist if nothing else. There is just too much to go over in one short 30 minute appointment the hallucinations only crossed my mind once and we were already discussing something else. He knew I was an emotional wreck... They were all saying "I'm so sorry you're in such a rough patch right now" so they have to know I'm not doing well, I wish he had referred me to someone but now I'm thinking of going to a clinic and asking them if they can refer me to anyone, I don't think I want to wait 3 months. But who knows, this new med might workv

Thank you so much for the update! I definitely agree with Silent Tsol that treating the symptoms are more important than the diagnosis. I really hope the new meds will help you get some relief, but I think it's a GREAT idea to seek out some more regular counseling in addition.
You're so brave to be tackling all these difficulties! I hope you're really proud of yourself!