[whatbeanbelieved]

I'm losing it. I've been trying to write it out here for a while, and it's been really difficult to concentrate long enough to write, and when I can concentrate, I get bogged down by thoughts of how stupid I'm being. But I'm really pretty much on the verge of losing it. This is exactly how I felt before October last year, and I'm not sure I have the words to describe it. I feel ... distant? Like everything is really far away? Scared and helpless? The trigger this time seems to be a couple of really nasty fights with the boyfriend... in the last two nights. I'm just really wondering what to do. Going to see the T now. Just wanting some input, if anyone has any, about these moments where one feels like one is on the edge of breaking down?

[Laura88]

Livin on the edge and feeling distant. Oh how well i know this feeling. But i go this road alone. I hope you find the help u need with your T. Keep us posted.

[NinaNina]

I'm sorry your feeling this way. I can definitely relate to being on the verge of losing it...I actually have been feeling that way myself. I don't have much advice for you, although I hope it goes well with your T. Keep us posted

I'm sorry my friend. I don't have much advice tho I've been there myself. The verge is just a bad place. You come back from it. You will.
Oh but since you mentioned the boyfriend as triggering this... might want to think about that later when you come back.
Hang in there and see you when you come back

[Mindinpieces]

Hi, I am sorry you are feeling this way, I hope this starts to change for you soon. I can't really relate to the context of your situation. However I can relate to the notion in some ways. For me, it's being or having to deal with a situation that you feel can't or are unable to react to within the moment. Also for you this must be a hard to try processing through, without the pressure/ worry that this will then affect your relationship. Correct me if I am wrong or have got this wrong. It's seems you have lots of worries and stresses happening at once for you. The fear, pressure and confrontation this then puts on your relationship. Seems like the last straw, so to speak. Also of course this can make you feel in such a way. No one then want's the pressure of trying to deal and work through things with people they hold close to themselves and probably at the moment for yourself he is that one good thing, when you not fighting. I don't know what your relationship is like or how people generally relate to one another within a relationship. It's seems you are feeling this way because it probably feels like you will lose everything including those close to you, this is what the worse outcome could be. However that has not happened but you try telling that to your mind and body because it probably already feels like is the case. Also sometimes it's the uncertainty of how things will then workout. I think this may be why you’re feeling the way you are. However please remember this is just my personal view on your situation and I in no way have things clued up myself. I am sorry if I got this wrong or was of no help towards you.

Originally Posted by whatbeanbelieved

I'm losing it. I've been trying to write it out here for a while, and it's been really difficult to concentrate long enough to write, and when I can concentrate, I get bogged down by thoughts of how stupid I'm being. But I'm really pretty much on the verge of losing it. This is exactly how I felt before October last year, and I'm not sure I have the words to describe it. I feel ... distant? Like everything is really far away? Scared and helpless? The trigger this time seems to be a couple of really nasty fights with the boyfriend... in the last two nights. I'm just really wondering what to do. Going to see the T now. Just wanting some input, if anyone has any, about these moments where one feels like one is on the edge of breaking down?

Hi ((((Bean)))) I hope you are feeling a teeny bit better today. Were you able to see your T? I can totally relate to what you are writing. I have felt on the verge, as well. I am actually right on the edge this week counting down the seconds until I see my new T.

(what is helping me to hang on is the reminder that it passes AND I have my friends on PC)

What stood out for me is how you are being so hard on yourself for having feelings I am sooo incredibly hard on myself, so I think that is why it stood out for me. When I would start getting down on myself in T. my T would ask me, "What would you say to your best friend in this circumstance?"

In the beginning (especially or if I were really struggling), I would just sit there blankly because all I could do was think poorly of myself. I would literally say to her, "I cannot think of anything."

So, during one of those times, she took me by surprise. She asked me the question, and I drew a blank, and she said, "Would you say that to me?"

I immediately responded, "gosh, no!! I would never...I would say a...b...c" and it helped me a bit to see how hard I was being on myself.

Also, yes, I've felt distant and alone. Very distant. But I think that comes from intense feelings of fear (triggering things) so I retreated back into myself to regain myself and to ensure my safety. It may be too delicate, but just wondering if your arguments with your SO made you feel unsafe or unheard somehow?

Please let us know how you are doing. We care lots!

Hugs, Rose

[whatbeanbelieved]

Guys..Thank you. I haven't been able to write (I did start, but was too wiped out from my day yesterday to finish) but I stopped by and read what you'd written, and it made my day - which was pretty much the pits - so much brighter... I'm so grateful for the community and the support. And so thankful also that I took the time out yesterday to write, that I had the trust to do that.

Mindinpieces... thank you for writing what you did. Your intuition was not off the mark at all.

Rose... *clings* that is so true. We find it so much easier to empathise with others, but forget how to treat ourselves with kindness. I was reading something about Inner Child Healing today (I'm wandering all over the selfhealing spaces at the moment >>) and this site talked about how in many ways we are all wounded in our childhood and never taught to listen to ourselves. It's almost as though we're trained to be co-dependent and to find ourselves in other people. I completely resonate with the difficulties you had in being your own friend. *hugs*

(Interjecting after writing: There is a huge blob of babble ahead. Apologies. It felt so relieving to keep writing that I, well, did.)

I walked out of an entrance exam yesterday. It isn't the end of my options, because there are a number of exams left -- and also I cleared one course and I have at least a backup plan, if nothing else. But it was very disappointing to walk out because of the anger/the insane humming/the anxiety/I don't know what it was/whatever. It was like my blood was ... singing. Partly I was triggered by the exam itself, which was for a course in Psychology and therefore asked for one's opinions about madness and relationships. And I happen to know some of the people who teach the course, personally. Which ... for some reason is really not assuring so much as it is scary. But I am positive I could have handled all of this had it not been for the insane fights I had with my boyfriend on Monday and Tuesday... which far from being good days because I had cleared an exam and an interview, turned out to be ... pressuring and stressful and just... ick.

The fights were... just.

I'm ashamed and embarrassed by my behaviour - I screamed (because he wouldn't hear me -- my screaming is honestly the most literal response to not being heard... I just get louder) and I slipped back to self-harm (NOT injury, I just need to clarify) and I cried uncontrollably... and I'm horrified by how he spoke to me. Just ... painfully horrified, because he snapped and shouted, got irrational, there was no reasoning (with either of us) and, after a point, he started to speak... with this kind of ... like in baby talk because I couldn't handle him being loud (which if unfair, because I am loud... which eventually I had to apologise for, thrice, because the first time he didn't hear me at all >< - and he can handle my loudness but I can't handle his?). So it was like he was mocking me. And I was ... wailing about being dehumanised and pleading for communication and respect. Like... pleading - with no self-respect. I cannot really put into words what this feels like, and what it does, ontologically, to my sense of self.

And I know he was triggered, just as I have been triggered. I know logically that we were just failing to communicate and there is immense horror and pain in that too. Because we have been taking space (which was mostly his idea -- it was my idea to move out) for the last twenty days in which he has not been in this city, so the space was quite... literal. And that was supposed to heal and fix, which again I didn't think it would do, because we still don't know how to communicate with one another... clearly. >< The outcome is disappointing. Horrifying.

He had returned the night before, though, and so I called him just after I left the exam hall and "demanded" we meet (with the purpose of yelling at him, at the time, I'm sorry to admit) - and that helped a lot (there was no yelling). To just be in a room with each other and not fight. To be able to do stuff for each other and not ... lose it and get caught in horrible conversations.

But what he didn't know was how horribly on the edge I felt. I told my T about an hour after I posted... and we had a really... really helpful session. She helped me understand what I am feeling. She also made it clear that I need to spend time in my room in the new house and feel at home here. I need to plant my roots before I can deal with any of this stuff

I know one of the things that triggered our first fight was his desire for non-monogamy and my reluctance. Also my attempt to "be okay with it" which I have never been and my totally inability to accept in myself that I CANNOT do this "for him" so to speak. However, he has accepted. All he wanted was to not talk about the relationship anymore, which we have now resolved to do. So in some ways I can see that these fights have helped, kind of.

But I have resolved to take a lot of space and stay put. And ... well, reading your posts helped enormously. I feel safer in my own space, I feel less alone.

Last year in October I had a similar state of being before I ... went through something like a breakdown. Somewhere in me something snapped and all the horrors that were sort of stored up came gushing out in the form of panic attacks and a huge need for self harm. I think I failed last time to reach out before it started. I'm ... extremely grateful that I reached out this time.

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

And lots and lots of love. I care too.