[Rose76]

For years, I've had both depression and anxiety. Mainly, I have worried about the depression, and have been on meds for that for a long time.

I am finding out now that anxiety is becoming a much bigger issue in my life, which seems hardly possible because my depression has been so overwhelming.

I am finding that what I think is depression, is, sometimes, more to do with anxiety.

I go to sleep dreading waking up in the morning. That seems to be when I have very severe anxiety. I wake up scared.

I have Temazepam to take at night for insomnia. My antidepressant puts me to sleep pretty well, so I don't always use the Temazepam (Restoril.)

Well, this morning the anxiety was extra-severe. I called a hot line saying that I was feeling vaguely suicidal, not from being depressed, but from wanting to escape anxiety. The person at the line was real nice and I calmed down a bit. Within a half hour, I was having fits with the anxiety. So I tried an experiment. I took one of my Temazepams.

Well, that worked way better than I had possibly hoped. Since that drug is a tranquilizer, I have a feeling that a lot of what I sometimes think is servere depression is really severe anxiety. As a child, I had severe anxiety at times. So, today, I am visiting the anxiety forum. Usually, I am over on the depression sites. Now, I want to learn more about anxiety.

I now believe that anxiety can cause as much, or more, mental anguish than depression.

Temazempam may not be the ultimate answer, but I am going to ask my doctors to focus more on anxiety.

By the way, they put me on Ritalin for my depression. It did help. But I have to keep stopping it because it fuels anxiety.

I was given Neurontin (Gabapentine) for anxiety and had mixed results with that. It makes me twitchy.

Being unemployed has created this anxiety nightmare. And it is a nightmare.

I'm sorry it was so bad today Rose. And yes it's sometimes a tossup over whether anxiety or depression is worse. And they seem to aid and abet each other. Hang in there and take care

[hamster-bamster]

Rose, with the unemployment and the duration of the SSDI process, you are in an objective anxiety-provoking nightmare. What else can I say? I am glad that a really potent drug has already been found for you; please ask the doctor how much of it you can take in one 24-hour period.

[Rose76]

Hamster - I think you correctly identify why anxiety has been so strongly fueled of late, in my life. Since losing my last job assignment, in February, I have become much more mentally unwell. I believe it is due to great anxiety, added to depression, for the reasons you mention. I will talk to a doctor about it.

my anxiety and depression rarely seem to come at the same time - when im very depressed i dont feel anxious and when the depression subsides the anxiety returns - what's with that?!

i also have big time anxiety probs on falling asleep/waking - not sure why...

[Rose76]

Well, it seems that this anxiety forum is a place where I am amongst others with similar problems.

frogslegs - months ago, I was telling someone IRL that I sometimes suspect that I become depressed as a way to get relief from anxiety. That theory could be off the wall. I feel miserable either way. Sometimes I do have both. But often it's one or the other.

I do find that if I get severely depressed, my anxiety drops down a lot.

I do find that when I am non-depressed and in a extra good frame of mind, I have a lot of odd anxiety type tics (even if I am not feeling anxious mentally.) The skin under my fingernails starts to itch. I get obsessive and perfectionistic.

Trying to fall asleep has always been a problem.

Right now - my worst anxiety has been about waking up in the morning. At night, I dread waking up. (This is kind of new for me.) There is a lot of stress and unhappiness in my life that I guess I just don't want to have to face.

I think the depression and anxiety become 2 parts of a cycle.

[whatbeanbelieved]

frogslegs - months ago, I was telling someone IRL that I sometimes suspect that I become depressed as a way to get relief from anxiety. That theory could be off the wall. I feel miserable either way. Sometimes I do have both. But often it's one or the other.

I do find that if I get severely depressed, my anxiety drops down a lot.

Hi Rose,

I really resonate with what you've written there. Sometimes shutting down and switching off and accepting misery (not necessarily consciously) is the only way my anxiety attack/fit stops. I have a sense that my anxiety as well as the lull no one has diagnosed as depression yet are both responses to needs that are predominant within my system at the time. When I am anxious, I am (usually) needing assurance (physical - i.e. hugs, sometimes work - or otherwise) or acceptance.. usually assurance that the positive things I'm feeling are real and will last. On the other hand, on the days where I want to sit and cry, I am usually needing to remove myself from a threatening situation. Rather conversely, a situation where things are working well and smoothly and are seemingly happy creates anxiety for me, because in some ways I feel pressured to keep it that way, to remain perfect and to thereby continue to "deserve" this stuff I normally don't feel like I deserve? And sometimes to get away from the pressure of such happiness, I find myself in a lull where nothing is positive and therefore there are no expectations from me to make it stay positive.

What I'm trying to suggest, if you're amenable to the suggestion, is that sometimes working out the need behind the emotion really helps. I feel compelled to mention here that I am practicing something called Non Violent/Compassionate Communication (or, er, trying to!) which focuses on needs, and in my experience it always helps, but experiences differ, of course. The idea is, though, that when one is in touch with one's needs, one can attempt to meet them. And every feeling is a clue about a need. And it seemed, in your post, that you were sort of hinting that this. And of course all of this sounds all ... clean and neat, but is usually really difficult.

Sorry about the babble.. I really hope these insights that you're currently having about yourself help you figure out things and that things work out.

~Bean

[Rose76]

Bean - I am very grateful for your reply, and I do not consider one syllable of it as babble.

What you have written so very much resonates with me! This is helping me a lot to pin down better what is bothering me and how I am reacting to it. Just about everything you say parallels my "cycle." I would not say I have feelings of being undeserving - at least, not consciously. I have always had compulsive perfectionistic tendencies that really come out when things are going well and I am performing well. Now compulsiveness and perfectionism are believed by many experts (and by me) to be rooted in anxiety. So - YES - when I am not depressed and functioning at my optimum, the subconscious anxiety kicks in, and I become so obsessed with "Am I doing everything just right? Am I overlooking anything? What could go wrong, and what is my contingency plan for that?"

Some of that stuff, actually, has made me high functioning in certain contexts and in certain environments. (Even very high functioning.) Ultimately, that benefit comes at too high a cost - or it has, in my case. I totally hear what you say in your expression "I feel pressured to keep it that way . . . " when I am doing "well."

I think I have figured out some of what drives all this. But, as you say, I need to pay attention to the precipitating unmet needs that push me into a different part of the cycle.

And sometimes to get away from the pressure of such happiness, I find myself in a lull where nothing is positive and therefore there are no expectations from me to make it stay positive.

from post above by Bean.

I can totally relate to the quote above. It's like, there comes a point when I gotta relax. And I do know what you mean about the "lull."

I tend to isolate and one of my unmet needs is for social interaction. I am lonely a great deal of the time. I think people find me hard to be around because of my compulsive fixation on getting things "just right" and because of my miserableness, when I am in the opposite part of the cycle.

I am so glad I came to the anxiety forum.

[IowaFarmGal]

Doesn't the anxiety exhaust you emotionally and cause the depression?

[Rose76]

Probably.

[Waterbunny]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Rose, with the unemployment and the duration of the SSDI process, you are in an objective anxiety-provoking nightmare. What else can I say? I am glad that a really potent drug has already been found for you; please ask the doctor how much of it you can take in one 24-hour period.

I can adhere to this. I worked for 32 years with anxiety. I was diagnosed when I was 20. I'm now 51 and as the years went on the anxiety became worse and worse. I have more depression now also. Last year I finally had to stop working because I was so stressed out and sick and too stubborn to quit way before this time I was afraid I was going to have a stress heart attack. I lost my hair and everything. I immediately went to the doctor and we both knew I could no longer work. I had to fight with my employers STD and then LTD. Then I applied for the states SSDI. I went through H#ll with the first two which made everything worse, mainly the depression but I was approved right away for my SSDI. Now I'm trying to save my house. You're not alone.

[Open Eyes]

Rose I think the biggest issue going on with you right now is your sense of safety and waiting to get approved for the SSDI. You may have had some issues with anxiety before but this is lot to deal with all this waiting.

When we have a lot of anxiety, it tires the body right out and we can get depressed.
Yes, it can be a difficult cycle. Stop the low of depression and the brain wakes up only to worry more and feel anxious. After all, when we do not feel safe, we get anxious and that is normal to everyone.

I deal with that in my PTSD which is known as an anxiety disorder too. But I agree with Bean, if I work on tracing the root of my anxiety then I work at that root and it does help a lot. I was gaining some ground until I had to go visit my dad at the hospital and deal with my sister which is a huge tangled root that I am trying hard to sort through. Since that event, I have been exhausted to be honest. I get the anxiety trying to pull it apart, it actually builds up as I am working at it and I don't realize it until it is very strong. Then I feel exhausted and depressed. So I hate that cycle myself.

Now I can see the sedative helped you Rose but for me, when it wore off the anxiety came back and I was still fighting that cycle. But if it gets bad like you mentioned, it is good to know that you were helped when you took it during the day instead of at night.

Now the other thing I was wondering is that I think that the antidepressant wears off too at a certain point in the day. My T is on prozac and his bad time of day is between 1-3pm and ofcourse that is when I see him. But I can see it in his face his eyes get very droopy and tired and he does fight to stay alert. I am right in the middle of that time period so I see it kicking in, and it is obvious. He takes it at night also because it helps him sleep.

Rose you should keep a journal and track the times when you feel anxious or depressed and see if there is a time pattern to it.

Open Eyes

[whatbeanbelieved]

Rose,

Thank you so much for writing. I'm glad that we can connect on this, and when I read your post, I felt very warm and grateful that we have this space and oppportunity to do that.

One of the things about situations with unmet needs – or situations where we seem to be in un-positive or non-ideal states is also that those states too meet certain needs. Such as, when you are anxious and working for keeping things going, perhaps a need you're meeting is one for efficiency? So in that case anxiety seems to almost be a friend to you, and useful. (I didn't say your need for “perfection” because my understanding of perfection is that the term is an evaluation of what you've done – so I guess I would wonder, when you think about being perfect, what needs are being met? And when you think about not being perfect, what needs are not being met? If that makes sense...)

I can really resonate with what you're going through – and it makes a certain amount of sense now why anxiety and depression are often diagnosed in the same person... whereas they seem to be contradictory states of being...

I am so glad I came to the anxiety forum.

I am too. When I read your post, I feel excited because there is so much introspection and so much focus you're giving yourself. I feel hopeful because that's something I really value and think is critical to healing. And I really congratulate you on working on out one unmet need for social interaction. I agree with OpenEyes too.. I think the need for safety can be a huge trigger for withdrawal/anxiety/depression. This business with the SSDI sounds really difficult and intimidating. I hope it works out for everyone.

Warmly, with lots of hugs to everyone
Bean

[Rose76]

Everyone above has been so supportive. I am almost in tears (well, I am in tears) to find these replies.

Right now, it's like I gave up. I feel awful. I don't really believe I will get better. I don't think I have it in me to even try.

Maybe this will pass and I can come back and write something meaningful here.

[whatbeanbelieved]

(((((((((Rose)))))))))

I wish there was a way to do the hugging actually. But here's the thing: I believe you will get better. I also believe it's okay for you to not believe for a bit, and that possibility won't vanish while you're too tired to consider it.

[Rose76]

whatbeanbelieved - You are very kind. Reading kind words makes me cry. But I am glad and grateful to read them.

I'm glad you believe something good for me. It makes me feel less alone.

[Open Eyes]

(((Rose))),

I find that if I get active it helps burn away a lot of the anxiety. Can you try to make an effort to go and swim? Being in the water is so nice and refreshing and it is important that you try to get yourself out a bit if you can so you don't get stagnent.

((Hugs))
Open Eyes

[Rose76]

I hardly can sit up straight. Just crying. The tears now are oily. Wonder why they change.

Open Eyes - I already got stagnant. I let myself get bad off. It is going to be real hard to reverse this. I keep wanting someone to be here and help me, but I have to do it alone.

I'm being awful and not even appreciating nice things. Like - my youngest sister called me last night and we enjoyed talking to each other. That means the world to me because sometimes I've not heard from her for months. But, lately, she has been calling me back and wanting to talk for more than an hour. Her life is hard, right now, but she is being the nicest to me that she has been in a long while. Usually, I'm happy the next day after I get a phone call like that.

My boyfriend is going away for 3 weeks and he will be with his family all that time and he will be treated lovingly. I could never become a part of his family. I am too weird. I will just keep being here alone. Two siblings of mine will keep being mean and that won't ever change. My nest door neighbor will look down on me and I try to not run in to her. I never before lived in a place where I thought people gossiped about me saying mean things. I guess it's because they see I don't go to work.

I feel so sorry for myself and that is what I'm doing wrong. full of self-pity. caring about nothing but my own distress. I am very selfish and lazy. and lonely and believing that will never change no matter what I might try to do.

but people are nice to post here and I know I am not completely alone. Thank you.

[Rose76]

Took 60mg of temazepam (tranquilizer like Valium) and I am improved. Started to clean up the dishes. Don't feel so paranoid about being out among people. I made two perfect mugs of tea and had raisin toast with it. That temazepam gave me some impetus.

I will go get my boyfriend's prescription at Walmart's. I feel up to driving my car now, which 2 hours ago I couldn't face. I may even put out that bird seed.

Temazepam can be very addictive, and I see that I really like it. If I overuse my supply and then run out, the withdrawal is lousy to go through. I am just so desperate to feel somewhat okay now. I doubt the doctors are going to approve of this.

I am better this evening thanks to temazepam. Maybe I'll even shower and wash my hair tonight. Then I would feel so much better.

[Rose76]

That temazepam was great. I brought the prescription over to my Sig. Other's. Picking it up at the store, I was humming and singing to myself (what I do whenever I feel good - I love songs.) Got to his place and was so upbeat, I scrubbed his bathroom floor for him, which he's not really able to do anymore. I even bought him a new shower curtain and bathroom rug, which I put down. He was pleased.

By next morning, the glow of the temazepam had worn off, and I was back in those old dumps, again. All day Saturday, we got on each other's nerves and were none to pleasant to each other. I kind of think he was worse. So I left and I'm home now. I feel better to be away from him. That's pretty sad.

Tomorrow is Father's day and I don't even want to go over to his place. (He is a father.) If I don't go, it will be the first holiday that I didn't make an effort to spend with him. Also, it will be uncharacteristically mean of me to not be with him on such a day. (His kids are far away. So he would be alone without me there.) I never before left him alone on a holiday, unless it was because I had to work, or something important like that. I am starting to feel that I don't really love him that much any more.

Of course, I've felt that way lots of times . . . and gotten over it . . . hundreds of times. I'm really tired of catering to him, and not feeling that much cared for in return. I know his age and disabilities limit what he can do. But he doesn't even hardly put an arm around me ever anymore, and his right arm is not paralyzed.

I'm worn out with thankless caregiving. (His kids were never all that friendly toward me, either. I'm sick of them all.) I'll probably just watch movies home alone tomorrow. That will be real mean of me . . . to leave him alone. I am even starting to cry, just to think I could be that mean. If I make an excuse that I am feeling sick, then he'll say "Oh that's okay." and he won't even feel bad being on his own. He is not one to get depressed. I admire that in him.

He sure makes it plain that he doesn't admire me. After so many years, it hurts. But it's nothing new.

[misscath007]

I also suffer from periods of severe anxiety and depression. Since I am under employed right now and facing some health issues along with the depression, it has been harder to keep on an even keel. I too find that when the depression is severe, the anxiety takes a back seat. Otherwise it would be completely exhausting.

[Rose76]

MissCath -

Your situation with the alternating depression and anxiety ( sometimes both together) sounds so like what I experience. I had these problems from a young age, but now it't taking over and I feel too weak to pull myself together.

I'm sorry to hear you have health issues to compound your hardship. So have I and they seem so debilitating, but if I wasn't so down, I don't think they would seem so bad.

There's nothing more doctors can do that I would allow. I truly believe that this is not strictly a medical problem. It's way beyond that.

[misscath007]

Thanks Rose,

I haven't started any posts of my own yet, I have just been responding to other's posts. I am still feeling my way around the site, it is so big and takes some getting used to. Yes, the back pain issue is.... well a PIA. Definately zaps all of the energy I have for doing anything else. I can relate to your feelings of hopelessness.

I am going to the doc for the results of my MRI on Wed. Hopefully will get some answers.

[misscath007]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Took 60mg of temazepam (tranquilizer like Valium) and I am improved. Started to clean up the dishes. Don't feel so paranoid about being out among people. I made two perfect mugs of tea and had raisin toast with it. That temazepam gave me some impetus.

I will go get my boyfriend's prescription at Walmart's. I feel up to driving my car now, which 2 hours ago I couldn't face. I may even put out that bird seed.

Temazepam can be very addictive, and I see that I really like it. If I overuse my supply and then run out, the withdrawal is lousy to go through. I am just so desperate to feel somewhat okay now. I doubt the doctors are going to approve of this.

I am better this evening thanks to temazepam. Maybe I'll even shower and wash my hair tonight. Then I would feel so much better.

Glad that you are feeling a little better taking this med. I would just caution you to be careful with how much you take. Benzos can be addicting which is why my pdoc does not like prescribing them for me. Also, benzos are known to worsen depression, It really is a catch 22 isn't it?

[Rose76]

Yes, I do know about Benzos. The conventional wisdom is that they worsen depression because they are CNS (central nervous system) depressing. Just about everyone believes that and so did I, theoretically.

Well, not saying I'm going to go hog-wild on Benzos . . . but they help alleviate depression for me. Perhaps, that is because they certainly do reduce anxiety. For some people, and I guess I am one, relieving anxiety also mitigates depression.

The main downside of Benzos, in my experience, is that they increase clumsiness. Or they did in the past when I took them. Like, I'm more prone to spill things.

Oh, and the other even, perhaps, bigger downside of Benzos is that, if you run out of them, or have to stop them suddenly, you can end up with what I call the "Hee-Bee-Jee-Bees" - a withdrawal symptom that is really awful. In the past, it would happen about 10 days after I stopped taking Librium. It would drive me to jump off a cliff, if I didn't know the feeling could be stopped by getting back on them. Tapering off gradually enough prevents this horrible experience.