on edge

I'd been sailing along so well, and then BOOM.

I see a hematologist Wed. morning for the first time since early April. I'm trying not to freak out about it, but it's not working well so far. I feel OK, I look OK, and there's no reason to believe I'm anything but healthy, but after spending 5 weeks in the hospital this past winter, most of them near death, my greatest fear has become the prospect of going back.

I haven't been able to sleep all night. I seem to have discovered this neat little trick where right when I'm about to doze off, I jerk awake so violently that I end up off the bed. My brain won't shut off. It's hard to find anything really distracting to do in the middle of the night. Not to mention that I can't do any of the things I used to do to distract myself, because I now live with other people and have to worry about waking them up. When I had one of those jerking-awake attacks earlier, my eyes flew open and I didn't quite know where I was for a minute. Then I thought to myself, "this isn't my room." A bunch of my stuff is in it, but I'm still living in somebody else's house. It's been a more difficult adjustment than I anticipated.

I dunno. I know all the tips and tricks for banishing anxiety, and they sound so rational when you aren't in the throes of an anxiety attack, but right now they just all sound useless. I guess I will go pop a Xanax and see if it will relax me enough to crash out for a bit. Thanks for letting me vent.

Candy

((((((((Candy))))))))))

What if you play some calm, quiet music at night? I don't know if that would help or not, or if the household would mind, but it can be soothing for me. I don't have trouble sleeping lately because I don't even have time to get enough sleep, but when I used to not be able to sleep, I kept a book and a flashlight by the bed and would read. My T at the time approved of that plan.

Rap

good post. it helps me to play music at bedtime. going to bed at the same time and getting up at the same time really helps with the anxiety at bedtime. setting a schedule helps our anxiety. of course, keeping with it is another cat.

Just wondering how you made out?

Everything okay?

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Purple Petals}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} thank you for asking. I knew there was somebody I forgot to PM! I'm just braindead -- I was there from 8:15 this morning to 4:30 this afternoon!

Anyway, yes, things turned out fine, hematologically speaking. My platelets were the highest ever -- 210,000 -- and my red and white counts were toward the lower end of the "normal" range. So it seems I'm clear of aplastic anemia.

I did turn up with a clotting disorder, though, for which they tell me I will be on blood thinners for life. I did a little reading, and one of the risk factors for this particular disorder is low platelets ....

So, even though I'm clear of aplastic anemia, it managed to leave me a parting gift by which to remember it. But, all I have to do is take another pill a day, I can dig it.

Thanks for caring!

Love, Candy

Hey there!!

I've been apt. hunting the last few days so haven't been online. Just read your initial post ~and~ reply!!! Sounds like good news overall!!

Heeeyyy...you didn't PM me...*almost pouts*

awwww.....do I get out of the doghouse if I tell you that I PM'd or emailed *almost* everybody BEFORE I got around to telling my family?

I was there over 8 hours today.....I'm lucky I remember my name! LOL I'm exhausted!