[Dezdemona]

I sometimes purposely do things (like read a book, watch a show) that wil trigger anxiety. It's almost as if I WANT to bring on a panic attack. Why would anyone want to bring on a panic attack? What is up with this?

[wi_fighter]

I don't know that I intentionally do it, but I know that sappy, romantic movies always trigger me to feel hopeless and that I'm destined to live out the rest of my days alone. I have to work really, really hard to not get sucked into watching one of them, especially if I'm already feeling a little down to begin with and I'm alone. I can usually handle them if I'm in a group of people.

I have to make a point of watching something action/adventure, suspense, or non-romantic comedy during those times.

Sorry I don't have an answer for you, but I sure know what you're talking about. Maybe it's because you're so used to the anxiety, that when everything is calm things don't feel right, so you do something to feel "normal" again.

i refuse to read certain books because i know that i'll get hooked into feeling sorry for myself. i understand your feelings about that.

i think shirley is right about we get used to certain feelings and we seek out that trigger......hope we've helped a bit. xoxox pat

[Dezdemona]

Thanks, guys.

[Sujin]

Your post really rings a bell for me, Dez. I do this too, or at least I did at one time. I don't know why exactly, I just know I would intentionally watch something or let myself be exposed to something that reminded me of someone I once loved. It was like a form of torture, and it used to make me physically sick as well as mentally. I have stopped doing it, and now I'm all about doing things that make me feel good, not bring on pain. I think I may have done it when I was feeling numb, and needed to feel something, even if it was painful.

Love,
Sujin

[Maven]

I sometimes watch movies, TV shows or documentaries I know will make me anxious or upset me greatly. For instance, I get really upset when an animal is hurt, even in fiction and movies, but I often still watch because I want to know what happens in the story, and I want the relief I get after all the sad parts are over and the animal is ok (although not everything has a happy ending, at least for the animal). I watch some things about predictions of the end of the world and such, because I want my fears to be relieved, even though I know I may regret watching them if they don't ease my fears.

[niko851]

Hi Maven -

I have a question for ya: When you mentioned watching things about the end of the world, do you want and/or feel that you want to just 'have it all end' rather than go through ONE more attack? It's just so weird because of this new war that is going on - my partner is so into politics it makes me ill, yet I watch the thing w/him quite often. Last night, someone on CNN or CSPAN made a remark about the 'end of the world' and I was thinking "Damn I wish I was there"; then I went into an instant attack... It's almost like self-punishment, just as someone else stated.... Even thinking about it, the world ending that is, sets me off - right now actually... At the same time I'm thinking at least I wouldn't go through this everyday!! GRRR our lives.......
Thanks Maven -
Niko

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Dezdemona said:
I sometimes purposely do things (like read a book, watch a show) that wil trigger anxiety. It's almost as if I WANT to bring on a panic attack. Why would anyone want to bring on a panic attack? What is up with this?

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I have been there before.... and my T explained it as a self destructive behavior due to what my inner belief system was saying to ME, due to my wounds.
I was making myself relive the horror, for in some degree I blamed myself, therefore, I subconsciously did things to keep me as a victim.... a TRUE VICTIM!!

BTW................ I rarely do this negative behavior any more - I have grown.


LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( hugs )))

((((( Dezdemona )))))

It was explained to me once that "we seek comfort in the discomfort that we're comfortable with."

[Dezdemona]

It's nice to know that I'm not the only one. Thanks.


It's another thing I have to work on. It's ironic, because it seems harder to fight it...but then you feel cr*ppy after. I'm always mad at myself or feel guilty for putting myself through something that I could have avoided with concentration.

The other thing is I have an obsessive personality, so when I "want" something, eventhough I know darn well that it will upset me, I can't let it go. I cannot just focus on something else.

I do this too but only when I am prepared so to speak. deliberately encountering a trigger for a person with DID can result in a disaster and often times become very dangerious in part because the person with DID does not know each and every repressed memory that can possibly get triggered into surfacing.

So being DID and have done alot of working with triggers with and without a therapist I have learned to and how to prepare ahead of time.

For example before a therapy professional and I do any trigger work we make sure that I have my emergency list of numbers posted by every phone so that once I have been exposed or used triggers on purpose all I need to do is go to the nearest phone and if at home read the posted number and dial, if out of the house go to the nearest phone, open my back pack to my emergency bag - A plastic waterproof baggie or plastic bag that has my Declairation for Mental health treatment (a legal form that I carry a copy of and my therapist and representative and family physician has a copy of which contains my mental and physical health information, contact information for my physician, therapist and representative. the representative is the person I designate as the person to make my mental and physical health decisions in the event that I am unable to do so, my treatment plans right down to allergies and my choosen treatment options. If at any point the hospital personel want to change my treatment plans as laid out in this form they must obtain my representatives permission or go to court.) anyway on that form is my therapist, physician and representatives (best friend) phone numbers, and also in the bag is change for pay phones. So when out of the home if I have a problem from exposing myself to a known trigger on purpose I have the means to safely call for help.

I also make sure that my therapist is in town and available and knows when I am working with triggers.

a therapist being out of town or unavailable is not the right time to shake up and force new memorys to surface or just plain trigger a DID (specifically me) with a known trigger.

I also make sure that I am freee from situations such as taking care of a friends children before I expose myself to a known trigger. If Im going to be resposible for a friends children thats not the time to upset myself on purpose by shaking things up using triggers.

I also make sure I have at the least one friend that if needed I can spend the night, weekend whatever. Just an added thing besides the declairation of mental health care that I have put in place so that I never again end up locked on some mental health unit somewhere restrained and drugged and other things I have gone through on nut wards.

One my support network is in place, emergency numbers posted and available and my therapist is aware and available then either I watch a tv show that will purposely shake things up, or use relaxation visualization techniques (otherwise known as hypnosis) to gain access to a specific piece of memory and so on.

I don't do this because I WANT to I do it because it happens to be what works for me in releasing pent up emotions and memories that happen to be sitting right there at the edge of awareness and it happens to be what works for getting me out of the quicksand of being stuck in one place where nothing new is happening go or bad. I hate being stuck not going up and not going down in the healing process. I know that if I am going down theres a reason and if Im going up theres always the reason that the problem has been resolved but the staying stuck in the same place I have no use for that. Kind of like if I have a cold it better be getting better or have a reason - its turning into bronchitis but to leave me stuck with blasted cough for 6 month, and on again off again sore throat - nope don't want it. develop or get worse I can do but leave me hanging I don't do.