[Voltin]

I started seeing a counselor via my psych doc recently . I've been okay without one for over a year , just doing meds. I'm taking Pristiq 50 mg , Lamictal 100mg , Xanax 20mg (for sleep) . I requested to see someone due to turning my aggression on my pets. Yelling , slapping and throwing things at them. Trigger; husband about vet bills , my action was never harm to my pets.
Anyway, I've been given a workbook 'The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills ' , I'm finding I have a real resistance to taking this to task . Not that I don't look at it and read it , I do, then I hit...get to...come at a point of finding it all making me angry. I end up tossing it to the side only to pick it back up later and give it another go. Without drawing this out , I'm not sure how many times I've done this since I received the book on Monday. I feel myself taking the material I'm reading in , then as reading continues I get distressed then angry , then the book gets tossed again . I'm doing some of the exercises and reading. I have this thing that I have done before when I feel I'm distressed/scattered , I sit and imagine I'm pulling all my energy or bits and pieces of myself back to me from where ever I may have been throughout the day. While I was reading and felt distressed to the point anxiety was oncoming , I imagined all my energy coming back to me to feel strength , I felt it coming in as a sense of a blanket wrapping around me . When the blanket came to cover me completely , I saw/felt a very angry little girl, one who ...this is very hard ...would chew up...kill anyone who tries to get to her. Of course I know this is me. Childhood trauma . I know I should tell counselor , I have a week till I see her. Counselor knows of the trauma . Should I drop the workbook 'till I see her again , try push through it , I'm not sure how to go ...where is this going ? I want to work this though it is freaky knowing I'm touching something deeper than just the anxiety over the husbands money.
Thoughts appreciated .

[CharactorAssassin]

Maybe you are bored? What do you normally enjoy doing? Perhaps do the thing you normally enjoy doing and just touch upon the workbook sometimes. Maybe you don't need to put so much pressure on yourself

[Voltin]

Maybe to much pressure . I was a good student way back when. TY.

[Perna]

I'm anxious and use anger the same way; if I get stuck, feeling helpless, I need some way to get "moving" again and anger provides that way out of that particular corner for me. As I work on my anxiety issues and get less anxious, I get angry less often and in less extreme ways and deal with everything better.

[BLUEDOVE]

Ahh,dear Voltin. It is,of course,the little girl inside you.She's been there all alone for a long
time;she needs you to recognize her,to acknowledge her,to talk to her,to love her.
I know it may sound silly to the adult you,but I
promise you what I've said is one of the best
things you could do for BOTH of you.
Do talk it
over with C. and work from there.Yes there will
be a lot of rage (justified),but it has to come
out,so does the sorrow and tears and sadness.
But the way out is THROUGH not around.
I've been there,if you need more info message
me,I'll do all I can to help.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

[Voltin]

I had no idea of the effects of what I'm processing by doing this workbook . Not something that gets quick results to the good. Bottled anger of a child in a woman my age is not something I would touch if it wasn't fear of hurting my pets. I'd leave it be.

[Cocosurviving]

I hate this happened to you and hope you
can get to the root cause.

[Voltin]

Thanks Cocosurviving , for your support . I've left the workbook alone for a while and have calmed down enough to pick the workbook up again the other day. I have started at the beginning and made it through the first chapter .I think I really am trying to push through to quickly to get to that root cause on my own. Old habits are hard to break & this time I got scared at what may be waiting inside. Monday is my appt. and we'll go from there.

[avlady]

I hope you have a good appointment on Monday, you just sound very stressed by this book. If you could pace yourself better, only a few sentences or paragraphs, you'll find yourself reading more than you think you'll read, let it come naturally and slowly.

It gets better, Voltin ... I promise.

And, you're doing it right to take it in small steps.

As you heal, it gets less and less intense.

Of course, I didn't believe it either way back when ... But where I am now and where I was at then are so far apart ...

Just keep working at it ... And above all, be extra patient, gentle & kind with yourself.

,
Pfrog

[Voltin]

I'm not sure if I'm just repeating a cycle of using this technique the workbook describes as redirecting my focus from my emotions to calm my anxiety , what I seem to have been using all my life . I always 'redirected' when things got emotional , yes it did calm me down but I found myself using 'redirecting' as an escape I got caught up in. I ended up living in those fantasies and redirecting my focus so much I would be where I was physically, but mentally my emotions were in safekeeping. I didn't come back from redirecting of my emotions then, I escaped. Sitting here going back into time ...I can say with a certainty , I see now this is how I dealt with my abuse , then carried it into my adult life . I'll be damned , this makes some sense

I am glad you are getting somewhere with the workbook, that is good to hear.
I was just going to say I have a chronically ill cat I have to do a messy/frustrating and miserable procedure on each week in order for him to live.
But I found myself getting SO ANGRY when it wasn't going right and one time I popped him on the head (not hard enough to hurt him, but I know I scared him, and I don't want him to be scared of me...he is wonderful, or else I would never do this in the first place).
Anyway, I vowed never to do that again...so now when I get frustrated taking care of him I kick or hit a door or slam my fists against it. I feel a lot better knowing I am not hurting him (plus, I can hit them harder and as often as I want).
Just a thought since I know you are frustrated as well and need to get your hurt and anger out...
And I might ask my T about your workbook. I need all the help I can get. I hope it continues to go well.

[yellowted]

find a stuffie or favourite childhood toy to share the book with, the angry little girl inside will feel more relaxed with a familiar thing to hold, as it will prove to her you are acknowledging her.
i know it sounds daft to the adult you, but it does help.

[Little Lulu]

The Dialectic Behavior Therapy Workbook gets good reviews on Amazon. I've used various sources like that to work through my recovery from anxiety. Most them helped, some more than others. Good for you for being open to trying something your therapist recommended.

By the way, I am from WV also.

[Voltin]

Great to have some more feedback , Ty. I did saw my C Monday and had questions about my life of altering my emotions for distraction, and really using them as a way to escape the situations , not using the technique to calm emotions then move back after calming down to give separation of emotion , to thought ,reason to the situation . Of course I had no ideas of these 'tools' , I just escaped into distractions. It's all very confusing. I was told not to read more than a few pages at a time , as several here have suggested I'm pushing to hard. Thanks again for your input. I'm going to continue the workbook at a much slower pass and reread when I seem to have a glazed over feeling while reading at a later time, It doesn't help to read any further.
Yellowted , I actually do have one such large black bear I go to for moments I need a comforting hug. I'll give that a go . She's got the most amazing big yellow eyes .I've been given task to make time doing things that I enjoy and be 'mindful' , not have straying thoughts from my chosen pleasure . Hard since I take those times to focus on other thinks pertaining to other issues of life. Never thought how difficult that could be .
sorta fairytale , maybe this workbook won't be as threatening to you as to me . I hope it does help you.
I seem to surprise my C with the fact that I copy my answers to questions for her and for me , I feel I need to have reference back for me later , plus I have some need for her to know where I am in this homework process . We have so little time together and my memory of the session alone is a challenge.
She's booked for 3 weeks so I have time to take this slow since I've been assured this is the approach. Hard to do for me . Thanks so much for the support