[not quite right]

What a disturbing epiphany. I woke yesterday to the realization that most of my life has been spent killing time. Just trying to make it until tomorrow. How did I let my life become this endless cycle of nothingness? I have done very little to justify my existence& am saddened to admit that fear stifled the greatness that could have been myself. Even sadder to say I am not going to change it. I was here & when I'm gone, nothing will be different. Killing time, dead inside.

[tinyrabbit]

It will be different if you're gone - you won't be there. That would be really sad

Why aren't you going to change it?

[not quite right]

I'm so tired. I've accepted this as could be worse. Things probably are going to change soon, though because I am losing my grip on reality & on the verge of a total mental/nervous breakdown. I see the warning lights flashing while everything around me falls apart. I don't believe there will ever be a happy ending because it's just not realistic. I will always be broken, empty, and terrified. So be it. but thank you for caring enough to ask that question, and I wish you well in life

[not quite right]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

It will be different if you're gone - you won't be there. That would be really sad

Your response broke my heart. A complete stranger sees my existence as relevant & I don't. I thank you. & hope you never wake up to be me. May your journey take you to better places

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by not quite right

Your response broke my heart. A complete stranger sees my existence as relevant & I don't. I thank you. & hope you never wake up to be me. May your journey take you to better places

Your existence IS relevant. I wish you could see that too.

[Onward2wards]

Avoiding fears may be part of the problem. The pop-psych question "What would you do if you knew you could not fail?" tends to induce a full-blown existential crisis for me (then I decide to put off doing anything about it till later, when I will "surely feel more confident and inspired"). :| The problem is, that leads to passivity, resignation and perpetual dissatisfaction. A body at rest tends to stay at rest!

[not quite right]

I do, too. Sometimes it just is what it is. Maybe some day I'll find my meaning. Or just fade away. Either way I can be free of fear, dispair, and self hatred that eats my soul

[gracez]

Hi NotQuiteRight,

Have you ever felt less despair or enjoying yourself even without a specific purpose? Just enjoying the day?

I wanted to say that I can understand some of your experience I think. And like others have said it's a bit funny maybe because this is all online, but there's a community of real people here. And I also care that you're here.

I've been severely depressed for a year and every day for months with very few moments of light I've also felt like I'm just killing time, and trying to check off another day on the calendar. Just exist, and not sure why. It is a painful way to live. But I do it anyway somehow. Deep down even though I don't feel I have many friends and don't have a job at the moment, I know that I love people in general. I think that might be why I decide to exist each day.

Ok, I think I'm possibly rambling but I resonate with your post and wanted to say hi.

TinyRabbit - I love B. Yoshimoto's books, read all of them. Best was the first one though, Kitchen

[not quite right]

It's comforting to know I am not alone. Please know that I find comfort in the care, support, and true understanding I find in this community. You all make me feel a little less broken. THANK YOU ALL. Maybe one day I will find value in my existence

[BLUEDOVE]

Don't know if it will help,but info from a very
good psychiatrist has helped me a great deal.
He said that the anxiety is a case of
TRANSFERENCE! If we were afraid in any way
from our parents as children,we then TRANSFER
this fear to the world at large. So,in fact,it is
NOT tom,****,or harry we think we are afraid of,it is the historical fear of our parents.
Since I found out about this and start to get a
little anxious,I tell self:" Wait a minute,this is
not ACTUALLY a fear of this person/situation,
its from way back when I was a child.People are
NOT that powerful . . .I GIVE them power they
don't really have,I'm turning them into my
parents! I gotta tell you,though I still have
twinges (early days),it is a joy not to have that
terror.Do not desert that little child,fight for him/her! Fight !
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

[Perna]

I do not accept that I have to justify my life; I am here. Crabgrass does not justify its life? It too is here. If we choose to wile away time just thinking/day dreaming or doing "nothing" that is our choice. However, we are responsible for ourselves once we grow up and it's hard to pay for food, shelter, and clothing with day dream dollars/action?

Life is both short and long and all we have, actually, is this moment. You can think that yesterday was "wasted" but you cannot prove it because it does not exist and all of yesterday was not yours, just your part. It could be that if you had decided to cross the street to see how the elderly neighbor was doing that you would have been run over by a car. Go now, instead, and may you will/maybe you won't be run over by a car but you cannot go yesterday, or tomorrow because neither of those actually exist except in our heads/imaginations. What you did/did not think, feel, and do yesterday is all in your head and if I were there with you, how I reported what I thought you thought, felt, and did would be completely different.

Decide what you want to do right now, this minute, and work on it. That's all that matters.

[not quite right]

Just realized I didn't answer your origional question. I have never had a day in the span of my memory that I've been happy. some days are less miserable than others, but never truly happy. Just waitin for tomorrow. People always refer to me as an "old soul" & have since i was 7 years old. I think that just means the suffering in my eyes is visible to anyone who took the time to look.