[jesusplay]

I've been super depressed for the last week or so and it's basically canceled out my anxiety. I went to a family gathering(father's day) for the first time in 3 years, a family member confronted me about my not showing up to family events and seeing my grandparents and cousins in over 3 years and I snapped. I was speaking non sense, I felt embarrassed I didn't want to talk about my mental issues I've been dealing with, everyone staring at me, I couldn't think, my thought process gone, I had to escape, the anxiety was back, full force....I felt I couldn't escape....I mellowed out and just rant to my car and drove home, I almost hit a tree I was so distraught.

Then came the tension headaches, I couldn't even listen to music in the car to calm myself, I needed silence, I felt dirty, I showered when I got home to wash away the shame, back to my room, my safe area.

My anxiety is bad again, probably was stil bad but I've been isolated the last 2 weeks with no triggers...

ugh..I'm so embarrassed

[a bland]

Don't be embarrassed. That would be a stressful event for anyone. When I had my first psychotic break my mom came to my school and called me out in front of all my friends and coaches. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life. Maybe if u explain what's been going on for u ur family will be supportive. Easier said then done I know, but u might be pleasantly surprised. U shouldn't be alone in this. And if u don't get the support of ur family at least I know how u feel. I just hope u have someone to talk to. U can always message me if u want.

[spondiferous]

I agree with bland, on a number of levels. You have every right to feel the way you do. And also maybe if you let them know what is really going on for you then they will be more understanding, if not supportive. I'm sorry you've had to experience this. If they are already in the loop about what's happening for you, and they are confrontational and insensitive about it, then perhaps you may want to consider putting distance between them and yourself for the time being. I've had to do that with my family in the past. Too much drama and none of it was mine; it was their projections onto me. I do the best I can and if that's not good enough for people there's nothing I can do about it. It doesn't stop me from feeling guilty, of course, but the last thing I need is people confirming the worst things I already believe are true about myself. I am trying to recover on all levels and I don't find it helpful. And I don't believe that's being in denial or escapism either. I believe we all need different things in recovery and when we have severe symptoms that are not yet under control, or are easily triggered, that takes precedence over everything else.
I hope you are okay now.