[SheHulk07]

I'm so frustrated at the moment and just ready to give up. I understand that a therapist is supposed to help, but I left my therapist's office today so upset that I was shaking during the session. He told me that he read my letter, and it wasn't anything that surprised him and that it was helpful. But he kept pushing me to try medication again. I have tried Zoloft for about 1-2 months before (not long enough I guess) and Clonazepam that made me feel like I was just going to die (major heart palpitations). He just basically drilled me about the reasons why I'm so resistant to it, which turned into me talking about my father and my childhood when I'm 27 years old. And just saying that he wasn't going to let me leave until I either said No or could agree to try the med for 2 months. So now I'm trying to deal with the feeling that I can't be normal without meds like the rest of my gd family. And I feel like now I'm even more of a disappointment and failure because I can't function without meds. I actually told him I might just take the whole bottle, and he said it wouldn't do anything but make me sick. So now I just feel stupid.

Not to mention that I told him I'd rather be dead than have my IVIG infusion this week so I don't know what to do anymore.

[SheHulk07]

I am trying to connect to a suicide hotline to chat online since I can't talk on the phone when my brother and kids are here and my husband is about to be back any minute.

ETA:

I did end up taking about 3200 mg of Ibuprofen, a Flexeril tab, and 2 Fioricet tabs tonight. Not enough to do anything, but now I feel like I really have gone off the deep end. I will force myself to go to sleep as I have a 12 hour clinical shift tomorrow. Ugh.

Sorry for posting all this tonight.

don't be sorry about posting. it's okay.

i hope you find a line of some description you can talk too before things get out of hand for you.

the meds thing is difficult, i know it is.. the feeling that you need them to function, but their are others..... those ones didn't work for you, that's fine. but maybe try some diffrent ones. maybe you just need the right ones to get you started, and then who knows.. if it all goes well, you'll start feeling a lot better- and that would be great

[SheHulk07]

thank you for responding

[SheHulk07]

I ended up chatting online with a suicide crisis last night, but I was upset after the first one and then the second was just pointless. I feel like I'm just falling, so maybe the meds will help before things get out of hand. Now I don't even want to tell my therapist about last night.

He now knows that I'll be inpatient for a few days in december for a surgery so that will give me some time to be alone.