Tiptoeing through this "home", too?

When I started to think that this site could be an "emotional home" for me - a place I could go to feel safe and secure, to be with kindred spirits who could, at the very least, empathize with me and offer solace - never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would start to behave as though this were my "real" family. And yet, judging by my personal reactions recently, I have to admit that this is exactly what is happening to me.

I am absolutely stunned at this! I want to deny this one so badly, but I cannot.

The slow disintigration I have been feeling about myself this past month has left me wondering if what I am doing here is actually going to help me.

At first, it was so exciting! There ARE people out there who truly understand who and what I am! I was "home," I thought...

Then the moodiness began. The triggers from posts; reading about past hurts and current pain and struggles. I could "feel" everyone's pain through their words, but that was ok, because I was sure that others probably felt the same at some point.

After that, I felt a sense of urgency about wanting to help and guide those who seemed to be struggling behind me - feeling as though I was somehow ahead of them on the path to "recovery" of my illness(es). It was like one sister trying to teach her younger sister the ropes; hoping to somehow protect her from something - what, I don't know, hurt maybe? - but damn it, she was gonna learn whether she wanted to or not! You know how bossy older brothers and sisters can be at pre-adolescence with power "sanctioned" by mom or dad; how they like to take some things upon themselves (yes, we do...)

Then came the anxiety - over the squabbles I was witnessing; the blaming, the chastising, the complaining. IT IS ALL BECOMING WAY TOO MUCH TO HANDLE... yet, there was this strange sense of attachment that had already developed - an attachment that felt familiar...

Finally, I felt as though I should start "walking around on eggshells," so as not to offend, not to make waves, not to hurt anyone, just like I had to do while growing up.

In a moment of great dispair and frustration of what I thought I may have created, I started deleting my saved messages, threads, my scant profile (exactly what I had done with all my personal effects and family memorabilia). I wanted to go. I no longer wanted to be here. I no longer wanted to exist here or anywhere. It angered me that I could not take back all that I had wrote, or delete my profile and leave - like I had never existed in the first place - exactly how I felt growing up and what I did (disappear for 13 years)...

Then it dawned on me. I am playing out the "family" game here! And all those that have responded to me, either through my own or others' posts, are my brothers and sisters now, and are subject to and apparently, fair game to the same feelings of anger, resentment, guilt, shame, blame, and accusations I felt with my own family. Yeah, sorry 'bout that. You may not have "read" it, but don't worry, I "felt" it.

This IS a family. And within it I am creating and playing out for myself, a replica of my family situation here, even if it has only begun mostly within my mind (I hope)! And if so, then what the hell am I doing here? I don't want to create that type of atmosphere in here, no matter how real or imagined it may be for me! I pulled away from my real family so they would not have to suffer the consquences of my destructive behaviours. And now I feel like I may have brought these behaviours here, to you, through words.

Words are powerful. That's exactly why I like to use them! They were an overwhelming influence on me as a child. I was terrified all the time - mostly because of the words that were spoken to me over and over; those words that continue to control me. As an adult, I used words to control my surroundings and the people I dealt with, personally and professionally. (Oh, insurance industry professional, for those who may be wondering...)

And yet, as this reality is unfolding in front of me, all I can do is sit here, in front of my computer, trying to deal with the surrealism (dissociation?) and personal humiliation I feel, just like I always have.

Is this going to happen with everyone I meet? Will this F****** cycle ever stop?? Am I destined to become only more aware of how ill I am? Is it meant to be this way? If I'm so smart, how come I never seem to learn? Sh**, didn't I just tell someone yesterday: "you are where you should be!" and "Keep going!" What a hypocrite I am! And I so hate hypocrisy.

I think I am freakin' myself out, here, badly. How does one stay connected without creating chaos? I don't know if I can do that! Just look at what I have created in my own mind? I don't trust myself enough to not let it become more manifest in words, especially with the possibiltiy of taking someone out in the process.

Yeah, I don't feel good about connecting anymore. I'm sorry...

Altered State

"those words that continue to control me"!

Not sure what to say AS. I could say a lot. That isn't usually the safest option for me though.

That feeling of walking around on eggshells is SO familiar and scary to me, from my childhood and elsewhere.

Sorry my post is so short ......

You have an awareness that will help you learn and grow. Keep that awareness with you and I think you will see how you have power and choice. It's a very interesting post and very insightful. You don't need to make us siblings, rather eccentric cousins or the like. You are doing well with knowing and expression. I am very touched by your openess

Sometimes it seems like the farther we go in recovery the deeper we delve into our own minds and the scarier it can get... but we do learn more, we learn why we are the way we are, and what we want to be different, and slowly comprehend more of what we need to do to be different.

This was a very insightful post.

Also I was wondering if you are in counseling. I know it helps me a lot to talk out these feelings with my counselor.

I hope you feel better soon

My point exactly, Fuzzybear. So, how's that working for ya?

And of course, now you have me curious...what would you say? (PM) And, if saying something isn't the "safest" option for you, what is your alternative?

For me, my (fear of) lack of expression on-line resulted in my creating some sort of weird loop in my mind back to my family, where I also felt confined in my ability to express myself openly, which ultimately lead to some very ugly outbursts, if you know what I mean.

Awe, c'mon.... You're dying to tell me something.....
I can "feeeeel" it!

Thanks wisewoman. I love your idea about perceiving you as eccentric cousins. As a matter of fact, I often say: "since I am over 40 now, I am officially able to be considered "eccentric"."

It's amazing how just one small word can completely change someone's perception of who/what you are, right wisewoman ?

Actually, now that I think about it, your suggestion just might work...shift my perception before it becomes set...of course!
That would be better and more constructive than just wishing I was blissfully unaware of the rest of the world!

It just too bad that we will probably have to have this conversation over and over and over and....

LMFAO!!!!! I'm having lots of cave time at the moment. Hope to talk or growl to you before too long though. I find your posts very insightful and thought provoking. You are brave putting your thoughts out there This is a "safe" place and mods do step in if people get too far "out of line"........... which is comforting, most of the time

I hope I haven't said anything out of line here

Yes, I am in therapy (good thing, eh?). Well, I start DBT again next week. I took the summer off. Counselling helps me so much. Don't even want to consider where/what I would be if not for consistent counselling and great therapists.

DBT hm I am researching into that, for me If you would like to, share some of your experiences somewhere on these boards. Or even PM me if you would like to!! I can't guarantee that I will say much in a PM though apart from ggrrrrr and if I am feeling in a particularly good mood, I might give a ((((( AS )))) if you like those. But you never know. Occasionally I am in a more chatty mood

The area around my cave is not overpopulated with good therapists I suppose I might need to hire a private jet to reach a good therapist

LMFAO? Gonna have to help me with that one... I only just figured out what IMO and IMHO stood for.

Thanks

LMAO = laugh my fat a*rse off.

Or in my case it means laugh my fuzzy arm off.

Could go on and on, either way, about DBT. Got any particular questions? We can start another thread somewhere else, just let me know.

Can relate re growling. Use to practice with my friend's pit bull/lab-cross. BIG dog, BIG growl. Think I'll go practice; it's been a while...

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!! I can't guarantee that I will say much in a PM though apart from ggrrrrr and if I am feeling in a particularly good mood, I might give a ((((( AS )))) if you like those. But you never know. Occasionally I am in a more chatty mood

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Now there's a misleading moniker! There MUST be SOMETHING "fuzzy" about you

Shame re your therapist situation. I have been so fortunate when it comes to therapists.

Fuzzy boundaries? Sometimes I think. Maybe even a lot of times/a lot of the time... too many moments, hours, days, weeks and so on ..... too much anyway

But I am getting much better at knowing what or who and how much (re. new people especially) to let into my fuzzy cave...............................I think

You could start a thread on DBT on Personality. Or I will, when I formulate some specific and (intelligent??) questions

Good to growl with you