[elevatedsoul]

Is feeling afraid, scared... dreadful(?) part of anxiety..? lately i've been feeling terrified and i can't exactly explain why

i know its related to the appointments and doctors though :/

[gayleggg]

I would say it is probably part of your anxiety. I would talk to my doctor about it, even if it's scary.

[winter4me]

Oh yeah, I think so---time for the 'as needed' medication? Hang in there, I hate that feeling.

[elevatedsoul]

yeah i took a valium, they work better for me than the clonazepam for some reason... i've asked to be switched to valium from the k-pins but it seems to be ignored.. the bad thing is that its not really a happy pill so even though the anxiety feelings go away im still left feeling empty and depressed

2 weeks till the pdoc appointment but it feels like forever away, im scared that he wont make any significant improvements to the medicines im taking.. is it unusual for the pdoc to not prescribe benzos? i've been wanting pdoc to take over the Rx but i've been having to get my clonazepam from my GP ... which is confusing

[elevatedsoul]

its been so difficult for me really because i've been trying to change my entire life and trying to do it so fast that my head is spinning...

i used to drink everyday, smoke a ton of MJ, and occassionaly recreational use of pills but not to the extent of abuse / addiction

my reality was ... altered? and now im trying to function in a sober reality, which i have been away from since i was 13 years old

im experiencing depersonalization i think, as well as increased depression (probably from the reduction in use of other substances) i am anxious all the time and all the time worried / concerned about the next appointment

i don't even like stepping outside the door anymore, so i guess agoraphobia has put a strong hand on me - since i stopped drinking that is...

i know im not alone even though it feels that way; but feel terrible about feeling so depressed all the time because i know other people have it worse than i...

i suppose a great deal of fear is coming from having to face this "un-altered" reality and the anxiety is about making the appointments and showing up at them, afraid that the medicines are going to make me worse since i've started feeling worse since the begining of my attempts at professional treatment

my life just feels upside down, although for over half my life - my perspective of reality was turned upside down so im only starting to recognize things like... im 24 years old and don't have anything to really show for it - besides my experience.. time is slipping away and it feels like years pass in hours... just yesterday i was 17, or so it feels

maybe the relationship with my ex messed me up more than i thought it did.. torture to a perfectionist

i feel like i can't do this

[Frankbtl]

Hi elevatedsoul, yes I'd say that those feelings could definitely be part of your anxiety.
I can completely understand if you're feeling old as you've been through/are going through SO much BUT.......24....really not that old!! And plenty of time ahead of you to have so much you're proud of to look back on!!
ALTHOUGH I'd say that you have already come so far/have already got things to show for it......massive reduction in drink, MJ........!!!
I know you've still got a way to go yet in managing things and that it's really hard for you but everything you can tell your therapist and pdoc is going to be a step (however small, still a step) in the direction you want to be going in.
As for other people having it worse, that takes nothing away from how you're feeling now and it's just as important that you get the help you need!!!
The medication......I know, still in the stages of trial and error (?).........but it can take time to find something that is really right for you personally, hang in there!!
And, I'm really sorry, but I can't remember if I asked you before if you were having contact with AA or any drug support groups. Maybe they could help if you're not???
And remember, as ever, we're here for you.............
Alison

[elevatedsoul]

thanks,
my case manager mentioned once about getting me into meetings but i've been reluctant because of my social phobia... i am starting to wonder if these feelings are related to the bupropion... i've heard others say that they feel like they are about to jump out of their skin..? im hoping to be taken off the bupropion so i can see if it gets better atleast.. but im afraid that he will want to up the dose to 400mg a day instead of trying something new...

also how can i get him to take me off buspar..? or is it likely that he will not want to increase the mg on buspar ? i'd rather only take medicine if its helpful...

[Frankbtl]

Yes, it's possible that the feelings are related to the Bupropion. Don't know about that specific medication but others like it can sometimes have the effects of making people feel like they're "jumping out of their skin".
Although then again it could just as much be the reduction in alcohol and MJ. Now that definitely IS a GOOD thing but maybe you just need a bit more help with the effects e.g. a change in medication or/and support groups/a mentor.
Then, I'm no expert!!!
Maybe your pdoc has some reasons/expectations behind what he's prescribing you that he/she hasn't really gone into (I know time is short with them) but if you question him/her a bit more you might be able to work a bit more closely with them in deciding when something is actually working/might work given time/just isn't anywhere near working.
It will at least give you a bit more control in what's going on. Might take some time though??
For now I'm throwing you a couple links for online drug/alcohol support, really don't know if they're any good but just see what you think....I tried
Addiction Recovery Guide : Message Board
Online Intergroup : Alcoholics Anonymous
I'm wondering if your case manager could help in making things easier for you in getting that support though, maybe linking you in meeting with just one (or two?) members of the meetings to begin with???
At least you've a good relationship with your therapist (at least hoping that's still the case?!) bacause I know things are really hard for you right now. Do you think she could give you any more help maybe?? Is there any more you would feel comfortable in talking to her about?? Or maybe make it a bit clearer how hard things are for you??
Alison

[elevatedsoul]

my plan is to just go with the flow and see what happens at this next pdoc appointment on the 5th, hopefully he'll have a plan like you said... that would make me feel relieved, instead of just shooting in the dark

im afraid of pills really, so i dont want to take something i dont need...

relationship with the T is ok, she gave me 2 chapters of a book to read over about mindfulness and techniques etc but i've had trouble reading it because of the anxiety and depression.. hope she isnt mad that i couldnt finish 2 chapters in 2 weeks...

[avlady]

Hello there, just wanted to respond to you about you're feeling guilty because others have it worse-but they help themselves or not and you are you and you can help yourself, which you are doing. I can post this advise for you because it comes in my mind as i can relate as several told me this in my life. i wish i could even take my own advice sometimes too like here!!!

[Frankbtl]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

my plan is to just go with the flow and see what happens at this next pdoc appointment on the 5th, hopefully he'll have a plan like you said... that would make me feel relieved, instead of just shooting in the dark

im afraid of pills really, so i dont want to take something i dont need...

relationship with the T is ok, she gave me 2 chapters of a book to read over about mindfulness and techniques etc but i've had trouble reading it because of the anxiety and depression.. hope she isnt mad that i couldnt finish 2 chapters in 2 weeks...

Yes, if you can make it with the least medication as possible that's always a good thing. Although sometimes people need a slightly higher dose to begin with to help them in trying and using other things (other than medication!) to get "back on track". Then sometimes the medication can be reduced.

And for the chapters, just do what you can, I'm sure your therapist should understand how hard things are/can be for you, if not just make sure you let her know if you haven't managed to read them all.
But if you're getting really stuck/at a dead-end with the chapters, with "mindfulness" it can "gel"/make a bit more sense depending on who's putting it across and how. So maybe "surf" YouTube a bit to see if anyone's putting it across in a way you can more easily relate to. Afraid I haven't any links that would go into any detail but different "presentations" can work for different people so maybe you'll find something?
And I wouldn't think your therapist would mind too much, I mean it's showing a commitment from you, isn't it?
Alison