Fear of loss of control? is ruining life, and I fear it might kill me

I have always felt I had this odd spectrum of different problems. But I recently I have come to a realization. It all stems from the same thing. I am going to try my best and articulate it, but I'm not certain how.

I have this very odd fear of "losing control". I don't know if those are the right words. Let me give you a solid example. I have a very regular sleep schedule. I rise early, get to work by 8, leave by about 5. This suits me. Now, the job I have allows me to pick my own hours. I took this job specifically for that reason. Why? Because the idea of having a job that says: "you HAVE to be at work from 8 to 5" terrifies me. Even though... I work from 8 to 5 every day. Do you start to see where I'm coming from?

Let me give another example, one that affects me greatly. I have good people and friends in my life. They often want to socialize. Great! I enjoy socializing with them. However - let's suppose the plan is to socialize from 5 PM - 10 PM at some location, and everyone is riding together to get to that location. STOP. I will not go. Why? Can't ride in their car. Why? Well - what if I want to leave? No way to leave. Loss of control. I'll decline hanging out and go home and be alone, the whole time wishing I was with my friends. The exception is when I take my own car, even though I know I'm not going to want to leave. But see now, I can if I want to.

Another big example, and probably the one that made me realize it. I'm anorexic. Why? The reasons are stupid. It's my body, and I will do with it what I want. Go to a dangerously stupid low weight? Well - why not? I can. Again. Control.

Work - how it affects me. Meetings. Can't handle a meeting. I do everything to avoid them. I straight out ignore them and skip them, even when it's important I attend. Why? The idea of being there for one hour, one solid hour, the idea I'm giving that hour away. Can't handle it.

Losing contact with friends. Can't make a phone call. Why? What if the conversation is long. Losing the time. Can't handle it.

Everyone in my family is an alocholic/drug addict. Dad died from drinking. I don't drink or get high. Is it because I"m afraid I'll be a drug addict like the rest of them? No - I just hate the loss of control. The idea that I'm "commiting" to a certain number of hours (time I'd be high), I can't handle it. Truth is, I desperately want to get high, and to get drunk with everyone else.

Now the one I fear. Suicide. I have been stuck in an existential crisis the past 5 years. I can not escape the reality that I will die, that my time is finite. I obsess over it. How will it happen. When will it happen? Perhaps because it is the ultimate loss of control. For the past year and a half I have started seriously considering suicide. I'll be damned if I'm not the one to control my ending in this world. The past 9 months have been scary, and I have written my letter, made arrangements for after I die, reserched the optimal way to end myself, it's all figured out. I'm not even really depressed.

Is there a term for this? is this a real thing, or am I just grasping at straws here, making connections where they don't exist? I don't want to live like this. It ruins me.

I kind of see it with a different twist...and I don't see why it makes a difference but to me it does....I don't see it as a fear of loss of control, but as a need for control. you can just live life without losing control, but you are not allowing yourself to do that. you are attempting to control every aspect of your life. it is definitely something you will want to get some help with.

This is a very good perspective on it. I do like to be "in control". Well. That's really not the best phrase to describe the situation. It's more like, I want to have knowledge of how to respond to any potential scenario. Does that make sense? "A" might be the expected output (I will stay out all night with my friends, so riding with them is no problem), but "B" and "C" are also possible outcomes, even if they are unlikely (wanting to leave early) and I want to have the ability to respond to those scenarios as well.

This has dictated my career and studies as well. I studied only pure mathematics, and now I'm a software engineer. It's really hurt my job. In the real world setting, software engineering is not quite as predictable and "safe" as it is when you're just studying it from an academic perspective. I get very tense and stressed when I have to deal with curveballs... when I have to put hacks in my code, or work arounds, or when I have to code something that isn't robust long term. It makes me want to quit my job.

I should also mention that I'm not a controlling person. As in, I am very far from controlling within the context of personal relationships, especially romantic ones.