[PaulGauguin]

My son is now losing his third job in several months. Just before work he gets angry and complains about being sick. (I think he actually is sick from his anxiety and panic) the trouble is by all accounts he's a good worker when he is at work. He has some difficulty with auditory instructions but does catch on. So, he doesnt show up. He has a car payment that is already behind and he does worry about that.

What can a parent do? He's 22 so there isn't much I can make him do. Any advice?

[CANDC]

Hi Paul Gaugin. Sorry you are suffering as a caregiver to a child that does not seem to be committed to getting better. I have not heard of self medicating with alcohol or marijuana as a long term reliable and stable treatment. There are meds that help, but a psychiatrist would need to prescribe and the meds should not be combined with recreational drugs. Take care of yourself you don't get burned out. Setting limits might help only if he will abide by them. This is a question that a social worker for your son might answer unless he is involved with illegal activities that the social worker may be required to report.

Glad you are joining us here. There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central.
http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[healingme4me]

Is the car loan in your name? Not certain how to get some sense in about the importance of remaining employable. Acclimating to new environments is tough. Granted there comes a point where, as an adult, on steps back and asks, is this all there is? Even so, burnt bridges are burnt bridges. Maybe ask him about what is disappointing about adulthood?

[hopeless85]

I have a 20 year old son who suffers from social anxiety, anxiety and depression. He goes to college and takes extra classes so he can graduate early to leave the town we live in because he hates everyone and wants no one to see him. He won't go outside or even do anything in our area. He finally got a job after 2 years and it is on the weekends for 12 hours shifts. He drives an hour to and from just so he could be at a place where no one knows him.... He is seeing a therapist for his anxiety and alcohol problem. He binge drinks to a very dangerous point and has been very lucky to make it through. I am at a loss. He was doing well for about 4 weeks and now has relapsed. Today he got up for work like normal and then said he could not find his hat and was going to call off. I ended up finding another one right like it and he left. Later I found the one he was looking for purposely hidden in the back of a closet! So he intentionally tried to fool me this morning. Later he text me that he hates it and wanted to quit. I said he had to give a notice first because it isn't right to quit. I don't know if I did the right thing or not. Forcing him in a situation that makes him upset and then turn to booze.... I am to the point that I actually don't even want to live anymore. I am tired of the worrying if my son will ever be normal and ever be sober. He refuses to go to outpatient or inpatient rehab and says as long as he doesn't take the first sip of alcohol he is fine..... I am dreading when he turns 21!

Originally Posted by PaulGauguin

My son is now losing his third job in several months. Just before work he gets angry and complains about being sick. (I think he actually is sick from his anxiety and panic) the trouble is by all accounts he's a good worker when he is at work. He has some difficulty with auditory instructions but does catch on. So, he doesnt show up. He has a car payment that is already behind and he does worry about that.

What can a parent do? He's 22 so there isn't much I can make him do. Any advice?

[avlady]

i don't know what to tell you but my own situation with my 24 year old son is just as bad. he can't keep a job, he was put on meds but drinks on them too. he does see a doc as he asked us to take him to see one. he knows how to drive and has a licence, but no car which is good because he'd be drinking and driving. it is heartwrenching watching him suffer from some sort of mental illness like me too. he had gad and depression. just letting you know someone else understands you and yours.

[Fuzzybear]

[CosmicRose]

I don't know if this is a generational problem or what, but I'm almost 23 and due to my anxiety disorder I have a difficult time with jobs. I thought men were better at this because they usually can handle that sorta thing, maybe that's not true, but for some reason I thought men had it easier with that kind of thing. Anxiety is hard. I'm sorry so many young adults are going through this. Did your children have issues with school too, or is it just keeping a job? Many of my male friends went into the military. They just changed the Air Force age limit from 27 to 39. It's just a thought.

[thecrankyone]

As a mom with a troubled child, sometimes they just have to learn the hard way by dealing with the consequences of their actions in the real world.

We do them no favors by treating them like children.

I struggle with this too, as does my own mother.

[PaulGauguin]

Originally Posted by hopeless85

I have a 20 year old son who suffers from social anxiety, anxiety and depression. He goes to college and takes extra classes so he can graduate early to leave the town we live in because he hates everyone and wants no one to see him. He won't go outside or even do anything in our area. He finally got a job after 2 years and it is on the weekends for 12 hours shifts. He drives an hour to and from just so he could be at a place where no one knows him.... He is seeing a therapist for his anxiety and alcohol problem. He binge drinks to a very dangerous point and has been very lucky to make it through. I am at a loss. He was doing well for about 4 weeks and now has relapsed. Today he got up for work like normal and then said he could not find his hat and was going to call off. I ended up finding another one right like it and he left. Later I found the one he was looking for purposely hidden in the back of a closet! So he intentionally tried to fool me this morning. Later he text me that he hates it and wanted to quit. I said he had to give a notice first because it isn't right to quit. I don't know if I did the right thing or not. Forcing him in a situation that makes him upset and then turn to booze.... I am to the point that I actually don't even want to live anymore. I am tired of the worrying if my son will ever be normal and ever be sober. He refuses to go to outpatient or inpatient rehab and says as long as he doesn't take the first sip of alcohol he is fine..... I am dreading when he turns 21!

Really sorry to hear these things. My son exhibits a lot of similar behavior especially the excuses not to go to work. He'll say I'm sick or the other people there don't do their jobs, etc etc. The excuses sometimes don't even make any sense. I'm not sure what drives the behavior but I've actually heard he is a good worker (when he shows up). I don't want him to be without a car and I can give him some credit, he tends to crash at other peoples houses so he doesn't drive drunk. The problem is, many of his friends are in similar places in life so there is really no positive reinforcement from them (some of them even encourage him to call off) My son went to a counselor, but slept through his second appointment. I have no idea if he ever scheduled another.

[PaulGauguin]

Originally Posted by avlady

i don't know what to tell you but my own situation with my 24 year old son is just as bad. he can't keep a job, he was put on meds but drinks on them too. he does see a doc as he asked us to take him to see one. he knows how to drive and has a licence, but no car which is good because he'd be drinking and driving. it is heartwrenching watching him suffer from some sort of mental illness like me too. he had gad and depression. just letting you know someone else understands you and yours.

Thanks for your reply, other folks on this forum have been helpful and I know many like yourself who understand. He did have a counselor appointment but he slept through it. His sleeping and eating patterns are all over the place which doesn't help either. He has stopped talking to me the past few days (I have know idea why) usually that sort of thing becomes justification for not showing up to work. Every day starts with worry about what is going to happen or is it going to be a good day or bad. I'm glad your son is seeing a doctor, I hope it helps. Will mine schedule another appointment? It's hard to say.

[PaulGauguin]

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

I don't know if this is a generational problem or what, but I'm almost 23 and due to my anxiety disorder I have a difficult time with jobs. I thought men were better at this because they usually can handle that sorta thing, maybe that's not true, but for some reason I thought men had it easier with that kind of thing. Anxiety is hard. I'm sorry so many young adults are going through this. Did your children have issues with school too, or is it just keeping a job? Many of my male friends went into the military. They just changed the Air Force age limit from 27 to 39. It's just a thought.

My son did have trouble at school. At the time I thought he might have had a slight learning disability but looking back I'd guess it was anxiety then as well. I don't know if its mostly young adults, maybe it's just that it is beginning during that stage of life? Thanks so much for taking the time to respond.

[PaulGauguin]

Originally Posted by thecrankyone

As a mom with a troubled child, sometimes they just have to learn the hard way by dealing with the consequences of their actions in the real world.

We do them no favors by treating them like children.

I struggle with this too, as does my own mother.

Thanks for the response. I agree with you or at least I am getting there. Like many parents I want to "fix" things for them but you can't. I've learned that doing that makes any progress they might make artificial. It is painful to see him lose jobs as it really takes a toll on their self-respect but they do have to take that first step toward treatment. You cant do it for them.

[CosmicRose]

Yes I do think it's a certain stage of life. What were you like at 23? I think it is a generational problem as well though, like I said. Times are really changing and its kind of a difficult time to be a young adult because of the economy and everything. None of my friends really know what to do and neither do I. That's why I mentioned the military, because most of my friends went into the military because they were desperate.

[BlueEyedMama]

I'm sorry that you are going through this with your son. My eldest step son has quit college and lost two jobs due to severe anxiety. He would literally curl into the fetal position to avoid going. He was living with us at the time and we said that we could only continue to help him out if he tried to help himself by seeing a counselor. He agreed. There were ups and downs and he was sitting at home all day so next we said if you can't handle a part time job why don't you start with helping us around the house a few hours a day and see if you can work through that. This worked great for two weeks but soon panic attacks would happen when it came time to help out. We were trying to be understanding, I in fact suffer from anxiety myself so I would spend hours talking to him trying to help but the result was always the same. By this time he was seeing a counselor and was put on 5 meds (he has OCD thoughts and major depressive disorder as well) but most days were spent staring into space stuck in a panic attack. To make a long story short after three years of this we decided that it wasn't healthy for him or us to live with us and after we helped him get on SSI he moved out. He has been doing so much better out of the house and is active in volunteer work and taking one college course. He is tapering off some of the meds and feeling less in a fog. I think that we can help someone with anxiety but only to a certain extent as hard as that is to hear as a parent. I love my boy more than anything but I think helping him get that little bit of independence has worked wonders. I hope this helps in some way. I know how hard it feels when you feel like your hands are tied and your child is struggling.

[CosmicRose]

He was able to move out on just SSI income alone, BlueEyedMama? Did he get roommates?

[PaulGauguin]

Originally Posted by BlueEyedMama

I'm sorry that you are going through this with your son. My eldest step son has quit college and lost two jobs due to severe anxiety. He would literally curl into the fetal position to avoid going. He was living with us at the time and we said that we could only continue to help him out if he tried to help himself by seeing a counselor. He agreed. There were ups and downs and he was sitting at home all day so next we said if you can't handle a part time job why don't you start with helping us around the house a few hours a day and see if you can work through that. This worked great for two weeks but soon panic attacks would happen when it came time to help out. We were trying to be understanding, I in fact suffer from anxiety myself so I would spend hours talking to him trying to help but the result was always the same. By this time he was seeing a counselor and was put on 5 meds (he has OCD thoughts and major depressive disorder as well) but most days were spent staring into space stuck in a panic attack. To make a long story short after three years of this we decided that it wasn't healthy for him or us to live with us and after we helped him get on SSI he moved out. He has been doing so much better out of the house and is active in volunteer work and taking one college course. He is tapering off some of the meds and feeling less in a fog. I think that we can help someone with anxiety but only to a certain extent as hard as that is to hear as a parent. I love my boy more than anything but I think helping him get that little bit of independence has worked wonders. I hope this helps in some way. I know how hard it feels when you feel like your hands are tied and your child is struggling.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply. I appreciate it.
I'm afraid our son quit his job today. He went in, worked an hour and then left his tools on the breakroom table and left. I'm not sure what is triggering this behavior. If the pattern stands we wont see him for a few days. It sounds like your situation improved - I am happy for that. It gives me some hope.

[BlueEyedMama]

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

He was able to move out on just SSI income alone, BlueEyedMama? Did he get roommates?

Hi there. Yes, he moved in with two friends from his high school days who also suffer from anxiety. He has his days when he struggles and doesn't feel ready for a job but this baby step has been good for him.

[BlueEyedMama]

Originally Posted by PaulGauguin

Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply. I appreciate it.
I'm afraid our son quit his job today. He went in, worked an hour and then left his tools on the breakroom table and left. I'm not sure what is triggering this behavior. If the pattern stands we wont see him for a few days. It sounds like your situation improved - I am happy for that. It gives me some hope.

Does he have trouble concentrating in other areas in his life? My son has OCD well really it's just 'OD' since he gets just gets the thoughts and not the compulsions but the thoughts play like a broken record in his head 24/7 which makes it hard for him to concentrate. He is a brilliant young man who was in honors college until symptoms hit after his freshman year. He can't seem to focus very long on much of anything so doing things in short spurts is helping. Volunteer for 2 hours a week, take a non academic class at community college that meets 90 minutes a week. That kind of thing. So we are happy for the small steps forward and the fact that he can live outside the home like many young people his age (24) want to do.

I feel bad that you might not see your son for a few days....that never was an issue with us as he didn't seem to want to leave the house...ever. I hope that your son is in contact soon and that some how you can get him to open up as to why he quit his job.

[PaulGauguin]

Originally Posted by BlueEyedMama

Does he have trouble concentrating in other areas in his life? My son has OCD well really it's just 'OD' since he gets just gets the thoughts and not the compulsions but the thoughts play like a broken record in his head 24/7 which makes it hard for him to concentrate. He is a brilliant young man who was in honors college until symptoms hit after his freshman year. He can't seem to focus very long on much of anything so doing things in short spurts is helping. Volunteer for 2 hours a week, take a non academic class at community college that meets 90 minutes a week. That kind of thing. So we are happy for the small steps forward and the fact that he can live outside the home like many young people his age (24) want to do.

I feel bad that you might not see your son for a few days....that never was an issue with us as he didn't seem to want to leave the house...ever. I hope that your son is in contact soon and that some how you can get him to open up as to why he quit his job.

He actually came by late last night and slept (I think he got drunk with friends and walked home) I will say this for the kid; at least he doesn’t drink and drive. I don’t think he has OCD but he does have trouble with auditory direction and has since he was small so he doesn’t readily try new things. He went back on antidepressants a few weeks ago and both my wife and I think he is actually worse off. It’s a real puzzle for us. Like your son he is very smart. He puts things together in his mind very rapidly and is also a very funny person. When he is happy he’s a real joy to be around. I’d pay good money to know what goes through his head in those moments before he gives up. The bad times are outweighing the good times. You sound like you care a lot for your son, I know that letting these kids know we care is at least a good start.