what can i do to get off the pressure from both sides?

what can i do to get off the pressure from both sides?
i now see my personality is nothing,in childhood,my family cursed me

and shouted at me and i could be down for a long time.thus not too

much connected with the little friends.and i knew this was not

good,and asked my broken family for some time of my own away from

school to reflect.no one listened.and the bad situation was

developing,till my strange appearance,(mostly sad looks and

aloneness),met the vicious gossip on the streets at my youth.family

ignored and denied all my reasons and was still pressing me for not

being like others.so this is me now,who though came up a better

understanding of myself,my position through all the years' agony and

agwish,the hospital locked-ups,tons of abuse,esp. countless insults

from the family and outside it,still have to face the not changed

double pressure.oh.help.

btw,i suggest that usa should refine the definition of freedom of

speech:talk all things,only things.you talk down each other,then you

got restricted of your creativity and usa is left the developed

status only in tech sense.

don't know why the print is wide.

Sounds like a lot has happened...You've covered a lot of ground. Anything in particular spark you writing this?

sry.not well thought as usual.afraid of my aunt to come by.she illy blamed and yelled at me,when i say there is words pressure outside,she said not at all and it's my ill to feel this way.then she scold me for not like others,work,ect.
just like my parents,in a so called talk,she give her reasons and when i talk,she would shout"yes,it's wrong,then you could leave."worse,.abandon pose.i can't remember with the soring head.and this is most pain when the outside yelling is also there.
not well thought.no need to reply.

Sometimes I can find the right words or have well thought out "vents" - it's is ok.

It at least gets you talking about it...

Sounds like you recently had an issue with the Aunt - scolding...that's not very nice.

Are you talking to a T? If you feel your family is toxic, probably time to take a break. During this time you can set some ground rules for yourself as at what point you may want to end a conversation. Example: If my "Blank" says this, I will say "Blank".

Hope this helps a little...

thanks.sad that no one experienced what i experinced.i never lost my direction,just don't have strength to proceed.

Cusack...

I know that there are people on this site that have experienced what you have experienced...sometime it just takes some time for them to post ...sometimes for what ever reason they are just not able to respond...

But do know that there are a lot of caring people here.

mom called again.saying again the gas plumper will come,when they

knock,you open the door and after you open the door,you let them

in.they check plump......
the beast never change ordering speech.and the aunt chop me if

she the pig were near her,not sure.frightened again.shhhhhhhhhhhi
and the gossip is also just outside.
for her always a word from a person outside the family overvalue my life.

oh.front and back.come on.............some help.

in the house,they just the parents that don't hope their children better than them,e.g.if i have a better idea,they just can't take it.they just roar at me......when you there,they,say,mom comes up and talks about a matter,if your reply is not what she have in mind on that matter,roar.if you knew this would happen,and reply so so,roar.don't,most roar.if you have a better idea,roar.this is real.
lots of incidents example went clearly again through my mind during the gap of the fight my mom and i just had.i couldn't type then,she would've hoaxed behind me,and now she left,i forgot all.
all is just there over and over again,don't have the peace to PUT them DOWN.

My brain isn't all there - I didn't follow if this was recent events or if this just happened?

Either way remember set the boundaries...

happen all the time.don't know how to take it longer.
no boundaries.she can roar nosense for hours,no change.past, she opened the front door and let the whole apartment (on the streets,let the pass-bys) hear the fight,all room locks except her hus' are taken off,even the bathroom lock,left ugly round holes on the doors,you have to listen that shouting,you say don't bother me listen to the radio,she smash the smaller radio reciever,hit the tv,take away the tv cable,.....her hus just stayed in that room and the visitors don't question the holes,even think that's my doing....horrible,i remember,when the lock was still there,i sliped in the bathroom and she and the visiting elder sister took turns roaing outside it and kicked on the door.......

now i just put some words that remain in my mind together and type.

she was learning english,i saw she had a hard time on pronuciation,and said i can help you on that,you?do you have the rank to teach me?(the rank,refering elder and younger stuff)another day,my sister visited and said (my name) pronounce well and let him help you on that,she said i asked him,he said never,no something.i came up and said the truth,she smiled and so my sister,and topic changed,and now she still can't pronounce well and she told people who asked this still that(and still not feeling good seeine me doing well on that,).....but they are a group,i told my aunt something like this,and in the end she knew mom is wrong,and said then your mom's crazy,it is you who driven her crazy,you,you...........

peace broken,that's it for now.hope you understand.

leave and live on my own is not an option,all my life is in this,and i became similar to handicap to counter the so called society.some force should tell them to leave me some room.

Well it certain sounds like a hostile environment. I'm sorry...Keep posting

Since you mention school - I guess my suggestion is lay real low and wait it out for school or do you stay home when you are in school?