[Elipsis]

Hey there,

I am new to this, but from what I see reading through the forums, it looks like there are a lot of people who have anxiety and still have their lives together. I really admire you women and men who do all those daunting things despite your anxieties. What follows is my personal rant.

My anxiety is crippling. If you think that yours is bad and f**ks with your life, then revel in the fact that I am, in most cases, worse off. Yes, I also manage to hide it from some people. Even the ones closest to me. That's because I have from the beginning crafted a facade around it, because my first priority has always been to hide this shameful condition. That's how I grew up, that's how it had to be. Also, my anxieties are low on a general level, but very high and fast-responding when the specific trigger is close, which maybe makes it easier to hide, because only a limited amount of people get to see the effects that do make it through my physical mask during an outburst.

What that means:
The low intensity general social anxieties are the reason why I don't really have any long term friends except ones that are far away, where there's not so much pressure to continually keep in touch.; I can vanish when I have a bad "episode" and come back later. I've had close friends growing up but I've lost touch with them because I was so bent on hiding my anxieties and shame. (I was and am very ashamed of many aspects about me -things that are not really shameful, but are so in my head- and I often feel disgusting and ugly and I probably have body dysmorphia.) I guess the one thing about my life that has always worked well for me was finding dates, finding someone to love, and getting laid. But it has not worked out long-term so far, so a lot of my dating was a huge waste of time and mental resources, which is its own story.

The high intensity social anxiety has made me drop out of way too many studies that I thought I'd love to pursue, due to the intense fears I associate with class rooms, groups of students, peer pressure, and, the all time favourite, presentations.
I also nearly never raised my hand in all of my time in school, and to this day (I am way into my twenties by now) still get extreme shakiness, stammering, blushing, blanking out, and much more, whenever I have to say anything in class. It's extremely embarrassing! Every time it happens, I feel like taking my life.
It is totally ruining my life. I've tried choosing studies or jobs that avoid those situations, my therapist even suggested that to me. But it didn't work. Anxiety triggering situations always come up. I've chosen my current studies because I hoped after I've completed it I'll be able to work in some quiet archive or something one day, but even here I struggle to complete classes because I have to speak in class, and just can't manage!

Plus, it makes it impossible for me to hold a job, because the anxieties will push me into depression when I have to stick to a regime that is not my own where I don't have enough time for myself, etc.

Somehow I also seem to be unable to communicate that to a therapist, or maybe there just aren't any good ones around. It seems like therapists usually want me to talk about my issues, instead of helping me practically.

So to sum it up: I am a complete failure, but I keep trying. I hope you all are happy about the ways in which your lives function, even if it's just parts of it that do.

Originally Posted by Elipsis

... but I keep trying.

And that's the important thing. Keep on trying is all we can do, sometimes.

When I manage to make it to the end of a day without crumbling, I call it a "victory" and celebrate to myself, because I lived to fight the next day.

They call it "taking it one day at a time".

So, do the best you can, celebrate your victories, and don't look back. One day at a time.

All the best for you!

[Elipsis]

Thanks, you're right. Especially about the not looking back... because, who ever manages that? haha.

[TerriLynn]

Can you focus on the things that you CAN do? Does that help?

Also, if you are in college, can you take online classes instead that don't require the classroom attendance and things like having to participate in face to face presentations? Then you could still pursue the specific studies you are interested in.

[Mookster]

Elipsis, I totally understand what your saying, that was my life not to far back. I'm in no way saying I have a life yet, tho I am fighting to get through this f****** ***** daily. It's not fun, I know that much.

The others here that appear to have their life together are probably still struggling with other parts of this crap too. It's just they appear to be farther into the recovery process, where we could both be at some point in our lives too.

Don't lose hope, it might be possible yet in this lifetime!

When I am most anxious - like now - it is all I can do to keep it together and attempt to appear normal. Underneath the facade I am ready to crack. I suppose my coping mechanisms help a great deal but my biggest method of coping is to avoid or take flight from a difficult situation. I suppose people may rol their eyes by now at my exuses to not go to functions or to back out and get away. For me at least, it is easier to cover the anxiety with a mask than depression.

[bebogirl16]

Elipsis, you have just described my life.

I can relate to everything you have written, because I too deal with all of it everyday.
The having no close friends because of the pressure to keep in touch, certain things triggering your anxiety and feeling shameful and trying to hide it from people around you.
Also not being able to keep a job because the routine depresses you, and you have no time for yourself.

I go through all of those same things and many more you have written.

Just today I had to go do some paper work at an office and found my heart racing and I was literally dripping in sweat because I had to sit in this big room with other people all around and fill out my answers. It's horrible, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I'm sorry to hear that you struggle with this, and if you ever want to talk more, please feel free to message me.

[Frk68]

Hello Elipsis
My experience dealing with anxiety is learning as much about self care as I can.Now in saying that excepting the fact that I am good enough as I am not as I think I need or should be really helps.Figuring out what works for me is important!I use to think it was selfish but now realize it is necessary.I realize I like to be out in the world but in small doses and like my quiet time to recharge my batteries.I want to be in a relationship but it will have to work for me.I was married for twenty five years and my boundaries were never respected.Now my boundaries may be different then most but that is ok.I deal with anxiety 24/7 and take rimeron to help cope.Over the years I have learned to accept but more importantly learn tools to function.Keep working at it and things do get better.I have found self employment worked the best for me.It allows more flexibility for me time to recoup if anxiety is spiking.I also find groups help as well.Although me time is very important to much time alone with my brain can be dangerous.Lol.It is good for me to part of these groups hearing other people's perspective and what works for them.I hope this helps.Take care and always remember you are perfect the way you are!Its always good to improve ourselves but don't let it make you feel any lesser of a person .