Waiting for everything to come crashing down

Hey folks. I've been trying to find therapy options, but unfortunately I can't afford anything right now but I'd really like to at least talk to someone and feel heard. So I thought I'd try here - I know you're not therapists, but peer support has also been very helpful for me in the past.

I'm a 32 year old guy. I have bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and am newly in recovery from fighting anorexia for 10 years. As you might be able to guess from that intro, I'm not quite as... far? into my life as most 32 year olds. No significant other, no kids, no house, no worldly possessions, no credit, no social life. A little over a year ago I finally managed to finish a BA degree in theatre. As an artist, I know that it will take a lot of luck and some work to actually make a living writing plays, but I'm doing reasonably well for a newbie. I'm in a few professional groups, have some shows coming up, have had good reviews, have a map of deadlines for grants and residencies that I'm working towards. I can see a future there.

To pay the rent though, I am on disability. I haven't been able to hold a job for a long time, until recently. I started a part time job just over two months ago to try and give something back, as well as to earn a bit of extra to help me support my playwriting. Don't worry, I report my income to disability and they adjust my amount accordingly.

I actually feel really good with this setup. The part time hours are manageable and my boss likes me and my coworkers are mostly good and I'm getting out of the house and getting more in shape. I can afford an occasional purchase. Several things I've written have been performed and well received lately, and a few of my upcoming projects will even pay me a little bit.

But the problem is, the more days go by without an upset, without a crisis, without something coming crashing down on me, makes me more and more anxious (hence me posting in the anxiety forum.) I'm just waiting for everything to fall apart again, because it always does. And I know I could just be unused to stability, but I've had periods of stability before and always at the most inopportune moment something happens, I crash and end up depressed, or I end up manic, or in the hospital.

I need to stay stable, I need to stay employed, but I can't shake this anxiety and pressure I feel to keep myself feeling okay. My boss called today to see if I could come in to cover a shift and I said no because I had prior engagements and I feel really bad about it - even though I really did have prior appointments. Really I was just taking care of myself but I feel like karma will get me or something. I don't know.

I can feel myself going off on some anxiety whirlwind and I know if I get too deep down that rabbit hole it will set off a mood episode and then I'll be screwed.

Any advice? Even just solidarity?

Hi InsomniacRabbit. Welcome to Psych Central ! I am sorry you have this dread of an anxiety attack. That is what anxiety is, fearing something that may happen in the future. Since you are on disability you may have insurance that will let you find you a psych doc or therapist that could help you stay stable with meds or talk therapy. Peer support here is available in the forums and the chat rooms, but it is a good supplement to professional help, not a substitute.

Here are some articles that I have read and found helpful to keep me alert and mindful of my situation.

15 Small Steps You Can Take Today to Improve Anxiety Symptoms | Psych Central

https://psychcentral.com/lib/top-10-...s-for-anxiety/

Taking on Anxiety and the Irrational Fears in Your Life | Psych Central

These are written by people with experience in the field.

You sound like a highly creative person that is also working hard toward your goals. I commend you on your work ethic. You can't work every time the boss wants you to.

Diet is important to me. High protein low carb helps me stay stable. Having protein or nuts or yogurt every 3-4 hours keeps me out of that hole of no energy and the fight or flight response starts taking hold. A healthy snack brings me back so I feel more stable.

Thanks for joining our community.

Hi CANDC. I do have a psychiatrist that I see about once a month. I'm on medication. I'm doing everything I can, but therapy isn't covered by any insurance I have access to, only mess.

Thanks for your encouragement.

Hello InsomniacRabbit: No advice... Just best wishes for continued progress... Sounds like you have some good stuff going on. Try to be gentle with yourself & not take on too much all at once. All things in good time...

Sorry - in my previous post it should say meds, not mess. My phone autocorrected that.

Thanks Skeezyks. No one at work knows about my mental health stuff and I'm not going to tell them, so I'm afraid it will look like I'm not a team player when I don't pick up other people's shifts.