Scared to go to work...Have to go though! Help!

Hello,

I've been dealing with the following issues for as long as I can remember. I'm in my mid 30s, deal with Depression, Anxiety, and what I believe is Ergophobia.
I am on medications and have been "stable" on the them for years but I have a horrible time with my life and future. Right now due to moving to another state I can't see a therapist or psychiatrist right now. I do think I need talk therapy.
My biggest problem is that I work in the healthcare field and while I make good money IF I work, I have a problem going to work. I call in sick all the time as I'm scared to go. Everything about the work scares me. When I've actually gone, I feel OK most of the time during my shift. I do good work there and while there's stress, I don't have anxiety at work. But most of the time I never get to work so I strengthen the workplace phobia by not going.
Some people say maybe the job I do is too stressful. No one really understands it. The thing is, I have low self-esteem and think I'm not good at most things. I DO, however, believe I am really good at my job! So then why don't I just go every day I'm scheduled and make good money?
My parents have helped me out financially for YEARS and they're sick of it and I'm sick of it. They aren't going to be around very much longer and I feel sick for how much I've taken from them. I sometimes wonder if I don't go to work because I think I can fall back on them should I need money since they've come through so many times. I have rent to pay, car payment, credit cards, and other things. If I don't pay rent, I will lose my apt and have not idea what will happen. My Dad has already said he will not be able to help me again with the rent like he helped me last week so I will be SOL if I don't start going to work.
I know I need therapy and all that but I'm hoping some folks on here can be give me some good tips I can really focus on to help me get in gear and start to get better.
What am I so scared of about work? I'm not exactly sure...part of it is I am fearful of the idea of being away from my home for a whole shift. Part of me is afraid I will be too overwhelmed at work and will freeze and not be able to move. (That has never happened before.) Part of me worries I will make a mistake that will cost me or the patient. Part of me worries I will be seriously reprimanded or talked about behind my back. (I think this happens to everyone everywhere.) For the amount of fear I have you'd think I might believe I was going to die if I went to work but my rational brain knows that barring a homicidal person wielding a machete through my workplace suddenly, I won't die.
I have a lot of great things in my life but can't enjoy most of them due to all this anxiety. Sorry for the length of the post, but thanks for reading it.

Me

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time getting to work. I don't have any advise but wanted to lend my support and wish you luck in getting everything straightened out.

Have you considered working part-time, and/or trying a less stressful job?

You sound like you can handle your situation pretty well. You said you were good at your job.

Fear and anxiety about getting anxiety is a dangerous cycle.

Trust in yourself and you can get through the fog.

I have gone from job to job to job all on account of anxiety. I'll get a new one, the anxiety and fear will build, I quit, move on to the next, and the cycle continues.

After two years of not working my psychiatrist and I agree that it is time to think about transitioning back into the work place. And, it will mean looking for work that is nothing remotely like what I have been doing. My career has basically been retail management = stress + anxiety = basket case.

So what then?

I have been looking. Several jobs completely different have come up as possibilities

Cleaner - well at least I don't have to work with people or manage them either
'picker' in a distribution warehouse - I only have to answer for my own work
replenishment/stocker - again, only have to answer for my own performance and no people to deal with

The ironic thing is that these sorts of jobs pay better than the retail.

So, what I am saying is that you might need to re-evaluate your career.

I don't consider a workplace as a "safe space." Maybe that would be a good place to start.

Hello hello, Must!

Sorry to hear you're going through such a rough patch, but it sounds to me like there is a lot going for you here.

For one, you are able to realize the reality that, once you are at work you are fine. You are even putting to rest the irrational thoughts of you dying at work. It seems like you do a good thing at your job, especially because you feel that you do well there. You exhibit the sort of self-confidence a patient would want to see in a healthcare setting.

So what's the issue? I don't think you have this subconscious notion that you can fall back on your parents because you are aware of how finite their assistance is. How is your relationship with them, by the way? Perhaps, as another poster mentioned, you could be due for a career change? You could be anxious about going because maybe there is something else you'd rather be doing. Maybe something from your past that you never got the chance to pursue because you found yourself working in the busy healthcare field. Speaking of the business of that field, does the chaotic nature of the workplace ever get to you? It could possibly affect you in ways you may not be aware of.

I like what another post said about getting anxiety and getting anxious because that's exactly what this sounds like. In the morning before work have some sort of ritualistic affirmation to say to yourself before leaving for work. Just tell yourself what you told us here, that you will be fine once you're there.

Thanks all for your comments.

I know that my parents aren't going to help me out much longer financially but since for the last nine years or so they have helped me out in one way or another through all the job failures, maybe I have really believed it yet? Like maybe their enabling me (I don't blame them) has held me back in my quest to tolerate long-term employment.

I am close to my parents, especially my mother but whenever I need money or I've "failed" (I hate using that word) at another job, my parents get upset, sad, frustrated with me and often times just would rather I give up working. My viewpoint though is that no matter how many times I'm fall, I'm going to keep getting up to try again. There's no option that I like. I have dreams and things I want to accomplish.

Anyway, thanks again for all your comments!

Z