[salukigirl]

ive noticed that in the past couple years, since i left my ex who was abusive, i am terrified of everything. i know that its probably PTSD thats giving me nightmares and waking me up at night but im terrified all day. Im scared when I take the trash out that some guy is hiding behind the dumpster ready to kill me. Im always afraid there is someone behind me. Any place I cant see, Im terrified that there is someone there. After I watch a scary movie I have to have my boyfriend go around the house and turn on all the lights. Even if I dont watch a scary movie sometimes i still have to do this. The closet, bathroom. Im terrified to be at home by myself.

heres the worst part... Im covered under UH. but its my moms policy. there are so many therapy visits you can have every year and i would want to go to a therapist and work through my ptsd but that means I have to tell my mom that was ex hit me. Whats even worse is that i was 17 and he was 27. I know she probably wouldnt, but I feel like its going to be a "well i told you never to date him anyways" kinda thing. Im really scared to tell her but I hate always being afraid.

[lenjan]

Pantophobia = fear of everything. Just FYI.

It sounds like you're more afraid of things people might do to you, though. I hope you're able to get some help.

Candy

[Perna]

Good site:

http://www.panphobia.org

Don't know; think maybe you should talk to your mom though; a "told you so" is not much to put up with versus the pain of the fear and stress?

[salukigirl]

i didnt see anything on there that said fear of being killed or beaten. there was a fear of dying and a fear of beating someone else.

[whoever]

You know, when we Mom's say "I told you so" we aren't so much rubbing it in as trying to prove to you that we are worth listening to, in hopes that next time you will. Of course, we never trusted our mothers to be right either...

[AlteredState01]

So true, whoever!

[salukigirl]

then if thats the case then moms should also know that when youre bareing your soul that is the last thing you want to hear.

plus my mom knows that she could never say that. her whole family hated my dad and then he turned out to be the person they thought he was. so she would understand, i think.

i guess i just cant decide if its better for me to tell her and deal with everything that comes with it, or just live in fear.

[Kiya]

go for dealing with it.... otherwise, what's the point in life?

[(JD)]

Oh I think you are experiencing hypervigilance from / with the PTSD. (((hugs)))

I'm sorry for what happened to you. I guess you tried to make an adult decision that didn't work out? However, that doesn't put any blame on you. Now be the adult and tell your mom you need her help and use the insurance! She just might surprise you. (((hugs)))

[salukigirl]

whats hypervigilance from ptsd? i didnt even know i had ptsd until i took that sanity test. and then i sat down and thought about it....

i was with him over 2 years ago. and it started to get better after a year or so. i used to be terrified to be in my own apartment because he had found me at 2 other places after i left and ive changed my cell phone number 4 times now. well then all of a sudden he got my cell phone number. my friend left his phone out in the car, and my ex went through his phone and got mine and my friends number and started calling me again. he also called my friend at 2 a.m. asking if i had been talking about him. i got my phone number changed and he hasnt found it out yet, but ever since then i started having nightmares again. i felt like maybe living 400 miles away and changing my phone number would help. but he still found me. 3 states away and he still found me. and if he is crazy enough to track me down after more than 2 years then who says hes not crazy enough to drive 6 hours down here?

so it was like i finally started to heal and not be scared, and then he found me again. and now i feel terrified and depressed again. i mean, he tried to kill me. he had his friends threaten to blow up my car. i would have to bum rides home from work and leave my car in the parking lot so he couldnt follow me home and find my apt. i guess im just scared that he isnt going to give up. i mean he has 2 kids and has a girlfriend/baby mama whatever you want to call her. why wont he leave me alone?!

[(JD)]

Hypervigilance is pretty much what you described... always looking out for an attacker or fearful that something would happen, not wanting anyone in your home, feeling or fearing being trapped...even if only in a dining booth at a restaurant... your sensors are on high and you are ever ready for fight or flight. (((hugs)))

[salukigirl]

thanks. its easier to envision a treatment when there is a name for something. i bet thats part of the reason why i have been having weight problems. i know that when youre stressed your body releases cortisol which packs on fat. so if im always stressed that could have something to do with it.

im taking a RAD (rape agression defense) course in the spring cause they have the program here at SIU and hopefully that will help me not be so scared if I know how to defend myself.

[salukigirl]

well i sent my mom an email. i feel that if i try to say what happened out loud I wont even get it out before Ill start bawling my eyes out. it was hard enough just typing it. So well see what she says.

thanks you guys.

[psynics]

Any one can't fear from everything means there is no phobia for every thing so there is no name for it. when you come to know, you should tell me .
good luck

[salukigirl]

my mom went on our network and found 3 guys in my area who are covered under our plan. one of them has a specialty in battered women's syndrome so i think thats who ill go to first.

i got a suprising response from her that didnt involve anything like telling me i was wrong or stupid. it was more like she said she wishes i would have told her when i was in the situation so she could have helped me press charges and get him in jail. so i guess my fears of her seeing me differently were wrong. nice to know for future reference.

thanks for helping me through telling her.