[AzulOscuro]

Reading a thread the thought about how hard I always found to ask for help popped up my mind.
I think it has to do with me having social anxiety.
It’s funny because I’m pretty active at helping others if it’s on my hand. Not gregarious. Only interested to know whether people are ok or not, sensitive and empathetic. A natural thing as most of people. However I don’t remember the last time I asked for help. I have been for decades keeping things for me and the only person I asked help for were my psychologists and very important with money in exchange.

I’m not even restricting this absence of request to psychological stuff. I don’t do it in any field of my life. For example, when I asked here for somebody to help me with my English. I made clear that there must be an interchange and that I would help to learn Spanish.

I wonder if this could be the next step forward to give.

I’m sure that the main thought that cross my mind for not doing so is that I don’t want to bother the other person.
It was even worse in the past because I didn’t dare to ask a stranger about a direction. So, somehow I already get a step forward.
Who or what put this thought of “ don’t bother” in my mind. What is stopping me? What am I afraid of? Normally, people offer their help nicely among themselves.

Do you also experience this?

[Yaowen]

I have also experienced this, AzulOscura.

In my case, I think it is the result of how I was parented and genetics. When "don't bother" thoughts pop into my mind in the situations you describe, I have a general awareness of where they come from although as I get older, specifics have faded from my memory.

Mental illness also has a role in all this and the genesis of that.

I believe my parents suffer or suffered clinical or subclinical mental illness. I developed childlike survival and coping skills in order to live in that family situation.

Asking for help in my little mind was perceived to be dangerous. All this made a deep rut into my adult thinking processes which I can fall into even in the present. Sometimes childhood survival skills become counterproductive in adulthood but hang on with tenacity.

It is like an underground spring of water trying to reach the surface. Sometimes that spring water runs into obstacles like boulders and such and eventually the spring water emerges in a place that is far from its origin.

Sometimes the spring water is able to break up rocks and such and sometimes not. Anyway, that is how I tend to think of it.

It is like I run on auto-pilot. Sometimes I am able to observe what the auto-pilot is doing and ask questions like: "why is the automation doing that." At times I am able to gain some insight about it. At other times, not so much.

Each of us is born into a family that is not of our choosing. We are born into that family as its weakest member. We develop one year old coping skills, two year old coping skills, and, and, and. They all build up on each other and not usually in a logical or systematic way, almost like layers. Where we end up is partly the result of all this. Habits become second nature. Maybe all this becomes our "auto-pilot."

I don't know.

I think the various layers of our brain can have powerful influences on us: our insect brain, our reptile brain and so on. Those layers of our brain have their own biological coping skills, such as the fight, flight or freeze instinct.

I can't, of course, know the origins of other people's thought streams. Can only share my own personal experiences.

I try to do my best to understand my so-called "auto-pilot" and take over control through self-reflection and transcendental action. Being able to step away from it gives me a certain power over it, if that makes any sense.

Best wishes.

[Discombobulated]

Oh yes very much. I think I may actually have become more like this as I age. Even in a shop I won’t like to bother the assistant because they’re busy, yet I work in a shop myself and help customers all the time as part of my job.

I think on some level I’m scared of intruding upon others and possibly being rejected. Recently my sister said I was turning the conversation to myself and that hurt me and made me worry about this more. I guess essentially I’m doing that here in sharing my own experience, turning conversation back to myself!

I wish I had something more illuminating or helpful to say but I’m sorry that you’re feeling this too. Yes the exchange idea sounds a good one, I think that’s the basis of healthy interaction.

[ArmorPlate108]

Originally Posted by Yaowen

Asking for help in my little mind was perceived to be dangerous. All this made a deep rut into my adult thinking processes which I can fall into even in the present. Sometimes childhood survival skills become counterproductive in adulthood but hang on with tenacity.

This ^

In my case, I'm not sure it was dangerous so much as it was useless. Instead, time and energy were better spent figuring out how to get things done, rather than hoping someone else might help or show you.

I've gotten better as I've gotten older, and will ask for help with the idea that it may not materialize- and that's okay. Ask and don't get, or don't ask, the result is the same, so nothing is lost. If someone does help, then that's great. But it can be a new, learned skill to ask for help when you're not accustomed to doing it.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Yaowen

I have also experienced this, AzulOscura.

In my case, I think it is the result of how I was parented and genetics. When "don't bother" thoughts pop into my mind in the situations you describe, I have a general awareness of where they come from although as I get older, specifics have faded from my memory.

Mental illness also has a role in all this and the genesis of that.

I believe my parents suffer or suffered clinical or subclinical mental illness. I developed childlike survival and coping skills in order to live in that family situation.

Asking for help in my little mind was perceived to be dangerous. All this made a deep rut into my adult thinking processes which I can fall into even in the present. Sometimes childhood survival skills become counterproductive in adulthood but hang on with tenacity.

It is like an underground spring of water trying to reach the surface. Sometimes that spring water runs into obstacles like boulders and such and eventually the spring water emerges in a place that is far from its origin.

Sometimes the spring water is able to break up rocks and such and sometimes not. Anyway, that is how I tend to think of it.

It is like I run on auto-pilot. Sometimes I am able to observe what the auto-pilot is doing and ask questions like: "why is the automation doing that." At times I am able to gain some insight about it. At other times, not so much.

Each of us is born into a family that is not of our choosing. We are born into that family as its weakest member. We develop one year old coping skills, two year old coping skills, and, and, and. They all build up on each other and not usually in a logical or systematic way, almost like layers. Where we end up is partly the result of all this. Habits become second nature. Maybe all this becomes our "auto-pilot."

I don't know.

I think the various layers of our brain can have powerful influences on us: our insect brain, our reptile brain and so on. Those layers of our brain have their own biological coping skills, such as the fight, flight or freeze instinct.

I can't, of course, know the origins of other people's thought streams. Can only share my own personal experiences.

I try to do my best to understand my so-called "auto-pilot" and take over control through self-reflection and transcendental action. Being able to step away from it gives me a certain power over it, if that makes any sense.

Best wishes.

You opened up my eyes in regards to the roots of my “I don’t want to bother” thoughts.
I also had a lot of responsibility for different reasons since I was little.

I love how you explained it through the autopilot mode. My psychologist taught me to identify these thoughts by giving them names. 😀
Yes, all these defence mechanisms that in the past, when you are beginning to interact with your surroundings and that are not so suitable when you have grown and still we are hanged on them.

lol! Now, I’m recalling when you repaired by yourself the sink. You even did what the plumber wasn’t able to do. Yes, no doubt you had to learnt to do everything by yourself. There’s a positive point in that too. And it boosts self-esteem and self-confidence.

Best wishes to you, too. Always.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

Oh yes very much. I think I may actually have become more like this as I age. Even in a shop I won’t like to bother the assistant because they’re busy, yet I work in a shop myself and help customers all the time as part of my job.

I think on some level I’m scared of intruding upon others and possibly being rejected. Recently my sister said I was turning the conversation to myself and that hurt me and made me worry about this more. I guess essentially I’m doing that here in sharing my own experience, turning conversation back to myself!

I wish I had something more illuminating or helpful to say but I’m sorry that you’re feeling this too. Yes the exchange idea sounds a good one, I think that’s the basis of healthy interaction.

You can’t guess how much I understand you.
My attitude is kind of being sorry or apologising when I have to order something. In shops, at the offices…by phone I even low my voice and I give this submissive pitch.
I didn’t notice it before but now, I’m pretty aware so that allowed me to change this attitude for a more confident one and friendly. I know polite is enough but I still go beyond that, friendly.
It took me an effort at the beginning. Now, it’s more natural.

😂 I remember when my psychologist and I held our hands. Straight away, she drew the attention to how weakly I help her hand.

Why do you think in your case asking for help is even harder as you age than before?

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by ArmorPlate108

This ^

In my case, I'm not sure it was dangerous so much as it was useless. Instead, time and energy were better spent figuring out how to get things done, rather than hoping someone else might help or show you.

I've gotten better as I've gotten older, and will ask for help with the idea that it may not materialize- and that's okay. Ask and don't get, or don't ask, the result is the same, so nothing is lost. If someone does help, then that's great. But it can be a new, learned skill to ask for help when you're not accustomed to doing it.

I understand. I had responsibility very little as Yaowen and you but the “no bother” was also there to avoid being told off. So, I could also say that it was also dangerous. I don’t know if in your case was even more dangerous. Anyway, I’m sorry a lot that you had to go through it.

And yes, folk, I’m ready to give this step forward. You’re very right.

[Discombobulated]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

You can’t guess how much I understand you.
My attitude is kind of being sorry or apologising when I have to order something. In shops, at the offices…by phone I even low my voice and I give this submissive pitch.
I didn’t notice it before but now, I’m pretty aware so that allowed me to change this attitude for a more confident one and friendly. I know polite is enough but I still go beyond that, friendly.
It took me an effort at the beginning. Now, it’s more natural.

😂 I remember when my psychologist and I held our hands. Straight away, she drew the attention to how weakly I help her hand.

Why do you think in your case asking for help is even harder as you age than before?

That’s a good question. I’m not sure I have the answer. My confidence was stronger a few years ago I feel, it might be my own perception of course. Something for me to think about.

I'm a lot like that myself. With my personality type, it's known that people like me do not like asking for help from anyone. I do ask for help for emotional matters at times but not for physical things, like repairs. I especially hate to ask for help at where I live for things I think I can do myself. It makes me feel weak plus having to have a stranger come into my apartment. I've asked for help before and it was helpful and nice, but I prefer not to do it.

[AzulOscuro]

I see. It sounds familiar to me, too.
I never ordered online stuff before because the only thought to have a stranger knocking at my door was already uncomfortable enough.

I forgot to mention on my post that I have a tendency to procrastinate when I should ask for help but I'd rather not.

[AceRimmer]

Ask for help at work? LOL. Lots of times I get a brush off or get ghosted. There was this guy who kept saying he would come into the lab in a few minutes and then just disappeared. I remember at my last job my officemate would ask if I needed help and when I said yes she would say 'I just remembered something else I had to do' and then run off. I asked a woman in customer service if she could tell customers we don't have time to test samples that get submitted late on Friday and she just said 'Not my problem."

[AzulOscuro]

You’re right. lol! Definitely I didn’t mean at work. I know this environment is toxic per se. I already learnt it. I haven’t asked for help at this environment with a single exception. I put up with some coworkers doing their job and not charge onto me more than corresponding. I know you already know a little bit about it. lol!
I only asked for help once. I asked one coworker who is specialist at assisting kids with learning needs. I asked her for resources to help my nephew with Asperger’s syndrome and her response was that I could go to a certain book shop to see if there were something there.
To be honest, I don’t know why things work that way.