[WilliamC]

I need to do well in my classes, I need an internship. I constantly question my own intelligence, worry about what my grades on papers that have yet to be handed back. I feel inferior to others, I cannot find a job, I found an internship but that fell through. This anxiety, and uncertainty has left me with a general feeling of despair and a lack of control over my life in general. While I can make decisions of my own, what I will be allowed to do in my life is up to other people grading me or hiring me.

[Sannah]

Hi William, why do you question your intelligence?

[WilliamC]

I don't know, I always feel that my grades are not up to par, I feel that everyone does better than me. I also feel that it takes me more effort to accomplish things than it does for other people, but then I do not see them do the work so I'm possibly incorrect in my assumptions.

[Sannah]

Why the comparisons? Do you enjoy what you are doing and what you are learning?

[WilliamC]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Why the comparisons? Do you enjoy what you are doing and what you are learning?

Yes, but I constantly feel sub-par, below average, retarded, stupid. More or less, I don't like me.

[e_sort]

Originally Posted by WilliamC

This anxiety, and uncertainty has left me with a general feeling of despair and a lack of control over my life in general. While I can make decisions of my own, what I will be allowed to do in my life is up to other people grading me or hiring me.

I know exactly how you feel. I know how annoying it is when people say "don't worry, you'll be fine." how can they possibly know whether i'll be fine or not, or if it will be ok or not, and if they don't, why tell me this crap?

all i can say, and i know it doesn't help, is that you have to find some way to believe that your perceptions are skewed.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by WilliamC

Yes, but I constantly feel sub-par, below average, retarded, stupid. More or less, I don't like me.

Where did this come from?

[WilliamC]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Where did this come from?

I honestly do not know. My parent's haven't been overly critical, it could be that I blocked such events from my memory, but I do not remember anything like that.

[WilliamC]

Originally Posted by WilliamC

I honestly do not know. My parent's haven't been overly critical, it could be that I blocked such events from my memory, but I do not remember anything like that.

Well, actually, I was emotionally abused by my scout masters in Boy Scouts and had a well paying, but emotionally abusive job at an amusement park. I got beat up twice in school..and that's all I can think of. My mother taught me to never fight back and just turn the other cheek, the effect of which I blacked out after being made fun of too many times in 3rd grade, the result of which is that clawed some skin off of some girl's skin, not too badly though.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by WilliamC

Well, actually, I was emotionally abused by my scout masters in Boy Scouts and had a well paying, but emotionally abusive job at an amusement park. I got beat up twice in school..and that's all I can think of. My mother taught me to never fight back and just turn the other cheek, the effect of which I blacked out after being made fun of too many times in 3rd grade, the result of which is that clawed some skin off of some girl's skin, not too badly though.

So you had to go through life with one or maybe both hands tied behind your back. That would make anyone feel powerless........

[Irine]

wow i understand exactly what you feel

You see - there is some basic core inside us, of self asteem, that you need to build. Maybe it has to do with all you mother`s "turning the other cheek" values. You need to feel it. I can tell you what happened to me...

I was suffering and panicking over studies in such a way that i couldn`t go to class any more I used to think i was worse that all the others in class etc. Then i unerstood that my first mistake was selling my self asteem to the teachers and students - you know what you worth and you know your abilities and your potential. If you are not successful yet it`s because you have too much stress to allow yourself to think and funciton normaly.

Second - and this is what my the therapist told me - YOUR GRADES ARE NOT YOU!
Maybe you indentify your works and tests and their resolt with yourself too much and that is why you care about it too much. You see every singe test or work you hand in - it may show your current abilities- but even AFTER you have done it - they are now extended. NOW you are more experienced and trianed than b4 you did it! That means that you ALWAYS can do more than you have done in your current work. The question is if you do the maximun. Maybe these resolts that you are not satisfied with do not reflect your real abilities because you are is such a panic or you don`t believe in yourself or you feel ****** so you don`t do all you can. Those works and test don`t reflect ALL you are they just whow what you know on a certain subject that is all.

Abilities are something that extends they are endless anybody can be better and better and better at anything. all it takes is patience and work.

I am convinced you can do well in studeis you just have to relax and concentrate on yourSELF - YOU are the source of your stidues all your actions you life.

Do something fun once a day or once in a few days - something you always loved doing and stopped because you thought you didn`t have time, because you weren`t in the mood. It will change your mood positively and you will see this will make your thinking more clear and fast because your life energy will raise...

I see that your post is entitled "over my life" but all you write is about studies - this was the same with me! i had 3 years of hell - not i am doing the last one. it is much better now and i have muc more fun and much better resolts just because i got my sense of self worth back and because i stopped giving studies so much weight. They are JUST SUTDIES and that`s the end of it. Take them for what they are. They do not define who and what you are, Life has MUCH MORE to do with it than this. I am sure you know people who don`t have the BA and have a very simple job and they ARE happy! isn`t it all that matters in the end? that you are happy and satisfies with life? i don`t say that knowldge is not valuble, i don`t see myself without a BA at least - but seriously - there is much more to life and you better see everything in it`s proportion. that means that even if you are not the best in class yet - you have no reason to doubt your intelligence.

Practice saying it every day:
- I am smart, intelligent, tallanted
- I am a hard working student
- I am successful
- I am good
- I love myself
- i love life

Braishwash yourslef! after a month or so of feeling stupid and unconnected wth the words you will see you start believing in them! and some more time you will see that they BECOME REALITY!

If you have thougths like " smart tallanted ho sure really i am...b.s!" its your mind habbit and they are just old thought that you need to let them out and let them go. we all have bad thoughts about our ablilities...it`s o.k you just need to change your set of beliefes.

If you don`t give yourself encouragment - especially in this snobbish academic world - you can rarely get it. and you need it. you will never do something you believe is beyond your abilities. I know that those proffessors think its beneath them to give a student encouragment and to emphasize his progress. Be yourself. Be free. You will see tat your life will chage. be god to yourself and you will get to fundtion better

good luck

[Irine]

Originally Posted by WilliamC

what I will be allowed to do in my life is up to other people grading me or hiring me.

htis is not exactly true. thre are always other ppl there is endless amount of ppl - and at least part of them will hire you and will give you a passing grade. Believe me



I know how it feels. the despeair. luck of control and all - you need your SELF.....

[reader1587]

Originally Posted by WilliamC

I need to do well in my classes, I need an internship. I constantly question my own intelligence, worry about what my grades on papers that have yet to be handed back. I feel inferior to others, I cannot find a job, I found an internship but that fell through. This anxiety, and uncertainty has left me with a general feeling of despair and a lack of control over my life in general. While I can make decisions of my own, what I will be allowed to do in my life is up to other people grading me or hiring me.

It seems like you're giving too much power to other people in your life. This may be how you survived in your family of origin, or school, or both (or something else), but it sounds maladaptive now (and will be for anyone entering adulthood I would think).

In mindfulness they would teach you that these people may have power over certain aspects of your life, but, for example, they don't have the power to make you *feel* any way certain about things. IOW if you feel devastated about a job rejection, etc., that may be something that you're bringing to the table (which you seem to have recognized in your other post about chronically feeling inferior, second-best, etc.) Looking to the past for "the answer" as to why these feelings exist can help but also may not always be necessary (I used to think the opposite, I believe it's a post-Freudian intellectual hangover).