Need advice please

My son was dx adhd just in June, although I know he has had it and it went undiagnosed. He also was classified in school as having learning disability in reading comprehension, memory recall, processing directions;and that was diagnoses last February. It has been an uphill climb to get my son diagnosed. His dad had been an opponent and so this has been one mom's battle.

I am a single mother and the father has little to do with his children. He believes I made up the DX. This is a long story, but suffice it to say my son does not have a single positive male role model in his life, other than coaches.

My son's behavior is out of control. He is not on meds. I have an appt with a psychologist next week who, himself, has ADHD. From there, meds are possible. My ex will and has obstructed meds and I need his signature for every dose and change. I will likely need a court order.

I am worried about my son. I can't control his behavior any longer. He curses at me, has called me an Fing *****, etc when tell him it's bed time. He has never been this out of control. He's only twelve. I feel like I can't discipline him. I changed the password on his xbox so he can no longer play. I have heard from several people (including Drs) that xbox can actually be helpful but I don't like the language and the games he plays, and his behavior has escalated towards abusive. I attempt to discipline him and he simply says, "I don't care, go ahead, i dare you, just do it." I've never spanked my kids. I was abused as a child and I can't raise a hand to my children. I am without another parent in the house to back me up. Phone calls to his father are a waste of time and only exacerbate the problem. He will only say, "he's not that way with me" or "I don't know what to say" or, best of all, "he was never that way when I was around. You are driving him crazy."

Is this type of behavior common in ADHD kids. I feel like I'm living with a ticking time bomb. I love my son so much and have done all I can to support him. He is IEP, has had tutors, extra help, and he seems okay at school. Teachers love him. But, he is obssessive over things, like girls, as if he needs it all NOW; then gets frustrated or looses interetest. He has lost friends.

No spell check? I'm exhausted and can't be bothered. I'd really just like some feedback. I'm so afraid he will lose it, hurt someone, himself, or me.

ODD is a common comorbid disorder that is like what you are describing. i agree that at 12, he is going to be difficult to control. i suggest you fight for medication for him, even if that means a legal battle.

I agree with Miswimmy (Usually do) 12 is a difficult age for boys, for sure...
My ADD was not DX'd until age 43 and it explained SO Much to me. The worst part od ADD is the complete smashing it does to your self-esteem. One way to cope with the complete lack of self-esteem is to Act-Out. Confrontation produces the dopamine our brains crave, it wakes us up from the ADD Fog we live in most of our lives.

Fight for the DX and medication. My life changed within 30 minutes of my first Adderall. Also... It is difficult to accept that you have a "Brain Disorder" and he will likely greive this, so therapy is a must. There is so much opinion out there about ADD that is completely un-founded. This was all I knew about ADD before my own diagnosis.

You should also read as much as you can about ADD, because so many ADD behaviors seem one way, but are in actuallity the opposite of what they appear to be. Most bad ADD behaviors are out of one's own frustration with having poor executive fuction. People tell you to simply "Try Harder" and this is simply NOT possible. The ADDer believes they must be lazy, worthless, becaause all they need to do is just Try Harder.

Stimulant medications are nothing to fear either. The actually do the opposite of what you think they would do. They slow the spinning thoughts down in our brains, making it possible to make better choices. They help screen out the distractions interupting everything you try to do.

Make sure the Psychiatrist is an ADD Specialist.

Good luck!

Thank you both. We are going to see a psychologist today who, himself, is ADHD and it wasn't discovered until he was in college. He has a Dr. who he works with who can prescribe my son meds.

The issue is exacerbated by the fact that his dad is (no kidding) a sociopath. If he were to be DXd himself, he would likely fall under Narcissist Personality Disorder and he's also passive aggressive. He's a bully. I left the marriage because of it. He believes I caused the problems my son is having because he 'wasn't that way when I was around.' Etc. Yes, my ex's side of the family at large does not know, and despite sending my ex numerous articles and links; he does not want to know. My son has always been dismissed as being lazy, not paying attention, not trying hard enough. It took years to get him classified with a LD for school. I know my son didn't wake up in June with ADHD. My ex is just an evil person who will never accept my son for who he is. It breaks my heart.

However, lately, my son's outbursts have been worse. Last week he lost it when I told him it was time to get off his cell phone. I gave him ten minutes to wrap up the conversation and then a final option to behave. Either he could say good-by himself, or I could go online and simply shut down the phone. In the end, I had to go on line. He lost it, demanded I turn his phone back on and called me an F-ing bit*h. He said I wasn't his mom anymore.
My daughter happened to record the meltdown on audio. I saw the therapist myself, alone, yesterday and played it for him. I wanted to go alone first to explain the family dynamics and learn how to be a better parent to my son.

As a result of his behavior, I took away his xbox for one week, and until he recognized his behavior was inappropriate and hurtful. However, I know these incidences will again occur (although that was the worst meltdown he's ever had. He's never gone after me like that). He can be so sweet and loving but when he doesn't get his way he loses it. He also is not accountable for his own behavior. I just think, if I die tomorrow, where will my son land? His dad is not a father and there is no emotional connection. My son is needs to learn how to work through his anger (much of it warranted because of the divorce, exacerbated by his ADHD. ) Gotta run. Thanks for letting me rant.

Your Ex is most likely ADD as well. The longer the ADD goes on undiagnosed the worse the bad coping skills get. Anger is SO common among ADD males. After decades of being wrong, it just takes a toll. Not to make excuses for him, believe me. I don't behave that way and I believe the anger must be controlled. The root of it all is the low self-esteem that keps building over time. This is great for your son to find out about this now before more damage is done.

The meds have an immediate affect on most people, though it may take a little while to find the right dosage. Poor executive function leaves us remembering a totally different memory of an event as well. So when you discuss the phone call situation again, he may remember things very differently from you. Short Term memory for ADDer's is full of holes that we have to try and fill in, which leads to errors of course, but the ADDer "Believes" it to be true, afterall it IS your memory Right or Wrong.

I kept my anger on the inside very well, but once I knew what I was dealing with and started my Adderall. I Felt better and my racing brain had better brakes. The anger levels dropped almost immediately.

Hang in there Sunshinepaulie

Thanks for that info, and it's especially helpful to hear that since you have been through it. You are right, I believe my ex is ADHD; in fact, the psychologist suggested it. We also talked tonight about how my son's interpretation of things may be different. One thing we do recognize is that the two of us are truthful with each other and do communicate (even when it's inappropriate behavior, I can understand he can't work through it yet). My ex only gets silence. I'd rather have the good and the challenging, and something to work on. I'm glad I can sit in a room with my son and that he can talk, even about things he would like to see about my approach, and I won't defend myself but just listen. I know he feels safe saying anything to me and I'm grateful for that. It's hard to be a kid, let alone one with ADHD, let alone one who lost his home, his dog, and went through a divorce. He knows I love him to pieces. I have to remind him that his behavior, when he is disrespectful, is hurtful to me; because I recognize he is also hurting inside and he is reacting from that pain. No meds yet, but hopefully therapy will start us in the right direction. Thanks for your comments. They're very helpful.