[Redsoft]

My boyfriend has ADD (non-hyperactive). He takes medication for it, and it is well-controlled during the day for work and such. However, the morning is difficult, and the evenings starting about 8pm or so. Weekends can be dodgy too.

I have my own problems (depression/anxiety/angry mood issues), and when we are both having a hard time, it's....a really hard time. I didn't closely know anyone with ADD before we met years ago, so he has taught me all that I know about it. That said, I'm no expert and definitely have trouble interacting with him when he is not medicated. It makes me feel bad, because he is very supportive of my problems, but when it comes to him having a hard time with ADD, I feel like I am just criticizing him and telling him how he is doing everything wrong because I get so angry, and oftentimes hurt or upset from things he does or says.

He is kind of a louder person in personality (I often need to tell him to lower is voice because he doesn't realize he is shouting, lol), but when he is not medicated he is very loud and sort of off-the-wall babbles. Gibberish words or random sentences that sometimes are very comical (he's a funny guy), but after hours of this... I get so frustrated.

For example, he'll be humming or whistling a song that I absolutely can't stand (and he knows that), I'll bring it to his attention, he'll say, "Oh-! Sorry, I'll stop," and then three minutes later he'll be doing it again. I know he doesn't do it on purpose, but after so long, as a human I react emotionally, feeling either angry or ignored, not knowing if it's ADD or him being careless. My mental health problems clash with his, and it's just really a terrible mix. We live together, so there's no "see you tomorrow" option, not that that's a very mature solution anyway, though sometimes I think I should leave when serious clashes happen (so I don't say something awful, and just to get a breather personally), but I've tried this previously (spiteful sometimes :/ but genuine more) and he gets really upset/distraught when I try.

Sorry if these things are basic or insensitive-sounding...I really don't mean them to be. I'm looking to know more about ADD/ADHD so I can be more helpful to him.

Also, if you could ask or impart, say, five things to/of your partner to help or for understanding of your ADD/ADHD, what would those five (or so) things be?

[Miswimmy1]

I am on the other side of things, as someone who has ADHD, but I can tell you a few things that I would suggest.

1. Make things about *you*. When he is humming for instance, and it is getting on your nerves, take a minute to say, "I am trying to focus on something else, and it is hard for me when you are making noises." If you make it more personal, maybe it will stick more. When all you say is, "omg stop", it probably goes right over his head because he hasn't taken the time to think about how it might be negatively affecting someone else, therefore he doesn't fully understand the impact it is having, and so it mentally doesn't stick.

2. In a time when you are not clashing, take the time to talk about plans for when you are in the middle of it. Taking a breather is a great idea, but he has to understand that it is because it is the best thing for both of you. ADDers often feel things very strongly, and he is probably reacting out of hurt when you leave, because he hasn't thought about the "why".

3. Give him a chance to explain himself. Sometimes, we have so many thoughts jumbled all inside our heads, and it takes us a while to get our thoughts accross, which can be a source of frustration. Because of that frustration, when someone gets on us, we are more likely to react in anger or defensively.

4. Patience and communication. Living with someone with and ADDer is not easy. It takes commitment on behalf of both. I suggest getting as edcated as possible about the disorder. I find that the website additudemag.com is very helpful (it has tips and advice as well as general information).

5. Ask the doc about taking a longer acting med so that you don't hav the chances for the clashes. It sounds like he may need all day coverage. I am on strattera, which is a 24 hr med.

[kimical]

I'm just like him. My fiance tells me not to do things all the time and I just forget. I have the worst memory. Someone could be talking to me and two seconds later I can forget what they said. You might need to get him to look at your face and say "listen to me" because if he is hyperfocusing on something else he could be responding without even knowing there was a conversation at all. I do that, I will have talked to someone without realizing it, just because I may have been reading something interesting or thinking about something else.

[Patti Green]

I just joined the forum and have been looking for others who are in a relationship with someone with ADD. I've been married 19 years to this wonderful man and I'm finally after all this time realizing I may need some support. So congratulations for seeking it out early. I just went to additudemag.com and saw the link called "When your Spouse Has ADD". I clicked it and got directed to information on children, which was disappointing. I haven't found a good resource yet.

[Patti Green]

Originally Posted by Patti Green

I just joined the forum and have been looking for others who are in a relationship with someone with ADD. I've been married 19 years to this wonderful man and I'm finally after all this time realizing I may need some support. So congratulations for seeking it out early. I just went to additudemag.com and saw the link called "When your Spouse Has ADD". I clicked it and got directed to information on children, which was disappointing. I haven't found a good resource yet.

I looked again after posting this and did find good resources on this site for spouses, so I want to correct this. I hadn't looked in the right place.

[Redsoft]

Thanks to all for your responses. I have been trying to flesh out thoughts a little better lately, and I feel like it's working in terms of being able to work together to achieve goals, even if that goal is putting together dinner.

To those with ADHD, would you find it infuriating if you were asked to repeat back requests, instructions, or conversational points...? I know if someone did it to me I'd be pretty snarky in reply, but just wondering if this is a good, helpful strategy or tool for communication. I'm trying so hard to be as nag-less as possible but also helpful. Nagging is not in my personality and I can't stand myself when it happens!

Patti, thanks to your mention of that site, I was able to find a book called "Is It You, Me, or ADD?" by Gina Pera. My boyfriend and I purchased it via Amazon and have been reading it together. So far, the beginning starts out really fleshing out the symptoms and effects of AD/HD in a very understandable way that isn't just redundant of the basic information one always hears, along with topics from partners of those with ADD. My boyfriend is also really enjoying reading it, which makes me happy. He seems to be finding solace in seeing he's not "crazy," and that many struggle with the same things he does. It's already helped both of us see better what the other does a daily basis in a very unbiased way.

[LucidCrunch]

I don't yet know the answer for this either as I am the ADHD side and my wife is always reminding me of things, refocusing me, asks me to repeat stuff that I heard but didn't take in, asking me to stop making noises, etc. I know this mess inside out but am only just getting into what to do. I find the adhdmarriage site very helpful as far as understanding the situation. What to do for me is get help, probably get on meds, get CBT... Will it ever go away ... I don't think so but hopefully it becomes less taxing.