[LMo]

My T has suggested that we (including she) put more emphasis on treating my husband's ADD than we had in the past. She is researching ADD medical specialists and possibly hiring an ADD "coach" or some type of social worker who has a lot of experience working with ADD adults. I think it is a terrific idea, because it would give me relief that my husband will have someone else in his corner aside from me, because having ME help him with the tasks he finds difficult always results in fights and tears. I'd rather be taken out of the equation, but I don't want him to be left to fend for himself when clearly he struggles with things he NEEDS to be responsible for.

Anyway, has anyone tried this?

As a husband with ADD here's my response: a wife should make the perfect coach, mainly because she is available all the time, when coaching is really needed.
But more importantly, I've looked at your words and question them:
"because having ME help him with the tasks he finds difficult always results in fights and tears. I'd rather be taken out of the equation, but I don't want him to be left to fend for himself when clearly he struggles with things he NEEDS to be responsible for."
1-always results in fights and tears...then are you really helping him?
2-you'd rather be taken out of the equation (not involved) so are you doing this relutcantly, maybe with resentment?
3-the capital NEEDS seem more like your words than his.
Maybe the two of you have different definitions of what 1)he wants you to help him with
2)you'd rather not help him with
Once you define those areas the coach position will have a better chance of working.
Please let me know how things work out!

[LMo]

Thanks gtrplayer. I appreciate your response. To the contrary, I would LOVE to be his coach, but the problem is that it doesn't put us on equal footing. We've been seeing our therapist for almost 3 years about this issue, and she does NOT want me to be his coach. She wants me to be his wife and partner.

I will think about what you said though and I appreciate your directness and honesty. Thanks!

[LMo]

Still thinking about this. I think that you and your wife have a much different dynamic than my husband and I do. Your questions are good ones in general. However, I don't think that they really apply to my case. The things he NEEDS to be responsible for are things like getting a job (not my need -- it's HIS need), remembering appointments, and when faced with more than one thing on his list to do, prioritizing and learning how to do it himself. My husband is not a particularly competitive or agressive guy, but he does find it emasculating when he can't figure out how to get started on things that are simple for me. Do I play a role in it? I don't know. We both have been going to therapy for many, many years and my therapist hasn't given me the impression that I'm difficult to work with or condescending. She attributes it more to him having a hard time with traditional gender roles and not feeling capable of being the "man" in the relationship, and as I said, he's not a particularly competitive guy in terms of our relationship, so I think it might be hard for ANY man to be in his position.

The reason I said I'd rather be taken out of the equation is that I have been the sole cheerleader and teammate for him for the past 6 years, and he still is struggling, fighting depression, and has no career path (and right now, doesn't even have a job). I'm not reluctant to help him, but my attempts haven't been very successful, so we need to try something new. I love working with him as a team and would gladly keep doing so if he and our therapist agreed that it's a good idea, but they don't.

But thanks for making me think more on this. If you have any other ideas, I'm open.

"I think that you and your wife have a much different dynamic than my husband and I do."
On no! She's not my coach (I don't have one)....I wish she would be, but she definitely comes across as condescending, like she's talking to a child when she "reminds me" of things.
That was sort of my point,...if I had an ideal coach, it would be her, but only because she is around me enough to be effective. But an effective coach has to be upbeat and encouraging, not reprimanding, so she doesn't function welll in that regard.
I'm left on my own...along with meds...to fend for myself.
I try every single day to remember to put things away, keep appointments, clean up messes, etc., but find it a huge struggle unless I take meds.
It'd be nice to a have a coach.....

An ADD coach sounds like a real good idea! Though I'm in a different situation than you-- being that it's my teenage son with ADD and not husband-- I can see where needing an "outside" person could help immensely. Advice, support and enforcing from the outside could be less personal to all involved.
I would hope it will take some of the tension and pressure off of both of you-- as a couple.

It's so hard to watch a loved one miss out on things because they're unable to prioritize and see the "big" picture. I feel so bad for my son and your husband-- it's such a struggle.

Please let us know how it goes-- if you guys get a "coach" and how it's working. I'd be really interested to hear. I worry for my son's future-- he's graduating this next spring and has no direction what so ever.....

Wish I could give you some eye opening advice LeeAnn. Hope knowing that some are here and are listening helps a little.

[LMo]

Thanks so much, both of you. I'll write more later when I am at home. I appreciate your input and sharing your experiences!