[Claire2015]

My friend got annoyed at me for telling her i care about her and want to help her and her ADD. She then turned around and told me she hasn't got ADD that she has grown out of it... I know from extensive research this is simply impossible to do which could explain why she hasn't taken meds.

How am i suppose to help someone that is so sure she hasn't got ADD anymore when she has?

Claire

[xiare]

She may be satisfied with the things she put into place, to cope with it. At the end of the day, you can't help someone, until they're ready. And if she is happy, why can't she continue on the way she is?

[krisakira]

Maybe she just doesn't want help. In that case, you cannot help her. Does she have any symptoms that interfere with her daily life? If not then maybe it has gotten milder as she has aged. I've heard of people with ADHD who have gotten better as they got older so it's possible. In that it's "gotten better" what I mean is that they still have ADD but they learned to manage it better so it's not affecting them anymore. Maybe that's what your friend is dealing with. She knows how to manage it better now.

[Claire2015]

Originally Posted by krisakira

Maybe she just doesn't want help. In that case, you cannot help her. Does she have any symptoms that interfere with her daily life? If not then maybe it has gotten milder as she has aged. I've heard of people with ADHD who have gotten better as they got older so it's possible. In that it's "gotten better" what I mean is that they still have ADD but they learned to manage it better so it's not affecting them anymore. Maybe that's what your friend is dealing with. She knows how to manage it better now.

Thank you for replying, the reason i'm trying to help her is because it is MASSIVELY affecting her life. We're 18 and all her life she has struggled she has told me time and time again. In the past year since she's had a new boyfriend who none of us (including her family) dislike him. She has lost 11 friends, a job, been kicked out of college (for grades) and is just becoming isolated in general from everyone.

I want to help her so badly as she thinks shes outgrown it but hasnt done anything to change her life to fit her brain so to speak

Claire

[Claire2015]

Not to mention the fact that me trying wasn't appreciated... She said and i state " i don't need you sh**y help" so that also hurt a bit seeing as she has contradicted that in the past saying i'm her life saver.

It all seems out of proportion to me

Claire

[krisakira]

Well, knowing now that she does have a lot of issues that could very well be caused by ADHD or something else, wouldn't be able to say without knowing more details... It still doesn't change the fact that she just doesn't want help. The part about "I don't need your help" and the contradicting "you're my life saver!" sounds a little like borderline personality disorder, because in BPD, views of people can change drastically one day to the next. One day you're her best friend, the next you are her enemy, for example. But I can't do more than just speculate because I am not a professional and don't know her. If she doesn't need YOUR help, would she be willing to see a professional for help?

[Claire2015]

Originally Posted by krisakira

Well, knowing now that she does have a lot of issues that could very well be caused by ADHD or something else, wouldn't be able to say without knowing more details... It still doesn't change the fact that she just doesn't want help. The part about "I don't need your help" and the contradicting "you're my life saver!" sounds a little like borderline personality disorder, because in BPD, views of people can change drastically one day to the next. One day you're her best friend, the next you are her enemy, for example. But I can't do more than just speculate because I am not a professional and don't know her. If she doesn't need YOUR help, would she be willing to see a professional for help?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and reply she definately does have issues but she's in denial it is almost as if she's accepting them rather than questioning why she has so many? Exactly and i think it could be because she believes she's out grown ADHD which is impossible it's not curable all you can do is improve it . Is personality disorder a comorbid of ADHD because you have literally summed her up in a nut shell. Ill look into personality disorder and see if that could be a possibilty. She is convinced her ADD has worn off and she no longer has it which is obviously not the case, her life contradicts it with all the struggles and issues.

Honestly i don't think she would she doesn't like being told things straight you know the truth hurts and i'm trying to determine if this is ADHD, low self esteem or something else entirely. I think you could be right about personality disorder.

Thank you again

Claire

[alwaysin6thgear]

Originally Posted by Claire2015

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and reply she definately does have issues but she's in denial it is almost as if she's accepting them rather than questioning why she has so many? Exactly and i think it could be because she believes she's out grown ADHD which is impossible it's not curable all you can do is improve it . Is personality disorder a comorbid of ADHD because you have literally summed her up in a nut shell. Ill look into personality disorder and see if that could be a possibilty. She is convinced her ADD has worn off and she no longer has it which is obviously not the case, her life contradicts it with all the struggles and issues.

Honestly i don't think she would she doesn't like being told things straight you know the truth hurts and i'm trying to determine if this is ADHD, low self esteem or something else entirely. I think you could be right about personality disorder.

Thank you again

Claire

It is possible to outgrow mild forms of ADHD, in fact that was the assumption until only the last 20 years or so, that kids outgrew ADHD in early adulthood. Researchers realized that it was not the case, many adults were able to compensate their symptoms which gave the indication that ADHD was gone as an adult. In my case I put all the hyperactivity and energy I had into athletics. I became a competitive long distance runner & cyclist along with other physical activities but I still had other issues that didn't change. I still couldn't focus, my mind was still running a million miles a minute. I actually got involved in a medical research study for the effects of Ritalin on adults. Ritalin was never originally tested for adults only children because at the time ADHD was a kid thing. After realizing that wasn't the case ADD med's were being approved for use in adults. From what you are writing your friend has not outgrown ADHD, in fact her ADD is causing issues that may in the long run put her in rock bottom.
Buy you can't fix her problems, you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. As I mentioned in another post of yours, maybe it's time to step back as you can only do so much. She's 18, and no offense but 18 year old's really don't make good choices, I know I work at a college. They think they know everything. You seem more mature and have your head screwed on right but your friend is a different story. But I think you need to back off for a while and let her do her own thing and let her make the choice on what to do. You can only do so much before you end up in trouble. Walk away, but leave the door open, let her come to you. If you continue to force this issue down her throat it will not end the way you hope. It's time that her family takes control of the situation.

[Claire2015]

Originally Posted by alwaysin6thgear

It is possible to outgrow mild forms of ADHD, in fact that was the assumption until only the last 20 years or so, that kids outgrew ADHD in early adulthood. Researchers realized that it was not the case, many adults were able to compensate their symptoms which gave the indication that ADHD was gone as an adult. In my case I put all the hyperactivity and energy I had into athletics. I became a competitive long distance runner & cyclist along with other physical activities but I still had other issues that didn't change. I still couldn't focus, my mind was still running a million miles a minute. I actually got involved in a medical research study for the effects of Ritalin on adults. Ritalin was never originally tested for adults only children because at the time ADHD was a kid thing. After realizing that wasn't the case ADD med's were being approved for use in adults. From what you are writing your friend has not outgrown ADHD, in fact her ADD is causing issues that may in the long run put her in rock bottom.
Buy you can't fix her problems, you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. As I mentioned in another post of yours, maybe it's time to step back as you can only do so much. She's 18, and no offense but 18 year old's really don't make good choices, I know I work at a college. They think they know everything. You seem more mature and have your head screwed on right but your friend is a different story. But I think you need to back off for a while and let her do her own thing and let her make the choice on what to do. You can only do so much before you end up in trouble. Walk away, but leave the door open, let her come to you. If you continue to force this issue down her throat it will not end the way you hope. It's time that her family takes control of the situation.

Thank you so much for that i think maybe she is in denial or embarrassed to be 'labelled' with ADD so it might be easier for her to say she's outgrown it. It is easy to think that especially as you say with everyone who up until 10/20 years ago it was believed ADHD was a childhood disorder.

I am glad you're channelling your mind to the best of your ability, being active is healthy for everyone so it's good you manage it well unlike my friend who is subconsciously ruining her life. I'm trying to stop her hitting rock bottom....again... Because last time she had suicidal thoughts and it worried me greatly.

I like to think my head is pretty screwed on but as you say we're only 18 and got A LOT more to learn. She is a bit naive and thinks that having less friends will cause less drama so she can focus on her boyfriend.... Until her attention shifts again. She runs her relationships into the ground where she doesn't like them before she goes into a relationship but will change her mind the next minute and hyperfocus on them.

I'm trying to explain to her that this is where it all goes wrong for her as she neglects everything else. When she ends a relationship thats when reality hits her and she likes talking to me again.

I think you're doing brilliantly, yeah you may not be able to focus on uninteresting things but you gotta remember that, that is you so don't change yourself just to fit in with boring 'normal' people whatever normal is.

I agree there is only so much you can do for someone that won't help themselves so maybe she has to hit rock bottom in order to have a wake up call to treat/manage her ADD.

I suspect she has borderline personality disorder too as she has a lot of the symptoms and it could be a comorbid of her ADD. I don't know though i'm not here to judge or diagnose but it could explain her desire to always be talking to someone on the phone. Which could explain the intense relationship issue.

Thank you so much again
I appreciate it

Claire

[-jimi-]

I'm not sure what help you are planning to give. If someone with ADD fails (like if anyone fails for any reason), it is easy to develop depression. I mean, if you try and fail, that hurts. But as a friend, you cannot simply make her different so she can focus on school and keep jobs.

If someone sort of zoned in from above and told me they were going to "help me with my ADD", I would be mad too. It would feel very humiliating.

[Claire2015]

Originally Posted by -jimi-

I'm not sure what help you are planning to give. If someone with ADD fails (like if anyone fails for any reason), it is easy to develop depression. I mean, if you try and fail, that hurts. But as a friend, you cannot simply make her different so she can focus on school and keep jobs.

If someone sort of zoned in from above and told me they were going to "help me with my ADD", I would be mad too. It would feel very humiliating.

Thank you for that insight i really appreciate it i'm trying to help her manage the symptoms and help her in anyway i can whether it is helping her with social skills, encouraging her to try methods to tame it etc.

She does develop depression pretty easily and she ends up hating herself even more and being extra hard on herself. It is almost like she is ashamed of having ADD which i'm tryna encourage her otherwise.

I don't mean to humiliate or shame anyone with ADD/HD i just want to make her life easier and thought if i educate myself on it i might be able to think of ways she can control it.... However she believes she has grown out of it.. So i'm kinda stuck on what to do.

Mentioned an intervention but she didn't respond to it so i am all out of ideas i can't force her to take meds it's not my place and i don't want to be rude.

Thank you for replying

Claire

[alwaysin6thgear]

Originally Posted by Claire2015

Thank you so much for that i think maybe she is in denial or embarrassed to be 'labelled' with ADD so it might be easier for her to say she's outgrown it. It is easy to think that especially as you say with everyone who up until 10/20 years ago it was believed ADHD was a childhood disorder.

I am glad you're channelling your mind to the best of your ability, being active is healthy for everyone so it's good you manage it well unlike my friend who is subconsciously ruining her life. I'm trying to stop her hitting rock bottom....again... Because last time she had suicidal thoughts and it worried me greatly.

I like to think my head is pretty screwed on but as you say we're only 18 and got A LOT more to learn. She is a bit naive and thinks that having less friends will cause less drama so she can focus on her boyfriend.... Until her attention shifts again. She runs her relationships into the ground where she doesn't like them before she goes into a relationship but will change her mind the next minute and hyperfocus on them.

I'm trying to explain to her that this is where it all goes wrong for her as she neglects everything else. When she ends a relationship thats when reality hits her and she likes talking to me again.

I think you're doing brilliantly, yeah you may not be able to focus on uninteresting things but you gotta remember that, that is you so don't change yourself just to fit in with boring 'normal' people whatever normal is.

I agree there is only so much you can do for someone that won't help themselves so maybe she has to hit rock bottom in order to have a wake up call to treat/manage her ADD.

I suspect she has borderline personality disorder too as she has a lot of the symptoms and it could be a comorbid of her ADD. I don't know though i'm not here to judge or diagnose but it could explain her desire to always be talking to someone on the phone. Which could explain the intense relationship issue.

Thank you so much again
I appreciate it

Claire

There is a stigma that goes with having something like ADD, however, you can't control what other people think. People can be very shallow, ignorant judgmental and narrow minded. I think many parents are more concerned about what their circle of friends might think if of them if they had a child with ADD. I'm only 53 but in my parents generation and before you never talked about going to therapy and you never talked about your feelings. Back then if you acted differently you were considered "feeble minded" a moron. You were put in an asylum. Society was very cruel to people who were "different". In some cultures, even today, having a child with some form of disability, physically or mentally , brought shame on the family or it was a sign of the devil. The child was discarded, sent to an orphanage and disowned. Peoples religious beliefs have a lot to do with dealing with mental issues.
What your friend will at some point realize is that having ADD and making an effort to control it won't be as much as an issue as having it and not doing anything about it. People will judge her for her actions. One thing I notice about people your age, and I was there at one time, is that you worry way to much about what other people think of you, nothing wrong about making a good impression but kids try to hard to fit in an be accepted. I notice it more with girls especially when a guy is involved. Social Media is no help. In fact Facebook has had nothing but a negative effect on society, all it has done is make billionaires out of it's investors. People need to realize that your posts, pictures will never go away.
Today there are options to treat ADD unlike when I was a kid, your friend is at an age where she can make her own choice and her decisions will either lead her to failures or success. Unfortunately, a young kid doesn't have that option, no voice, he/she is at the mercy of their parents. Somebody in your friends family saw something that led them to get her tested, now she knows the reason for some of her behavior, but knowing and ignoring it is only going to make her life more and more difficult and for those around her. There are several books about ADD in women written by women who have it. Maybe it might be a good idea to either give a copy to her mother to pass on to your friend or leave for your friend for her to find, not telling her that it was from you and walk away for a bit. Her boyfriend maybe playing a big part in her behavior and their isn't much you can do. She'll learn the hardway. As I said I work at a college, and I found out very quickly that the study they did that said girls mature much quicker than guys was very true. Young guys today have absolutely no respect for women, they are basically @$$h0le$. When I was at that age we never treated women the way they do today.

[-jimi-]

For me ADD isn't so much treat as understand and accept. I have some negative things with my ADD, but also I have positives. I never functioned very well in a school environment and I wish I had understood it earlier. Even though I am intelligent and a quick learner, I do not thrive in school, it can be quite destructive for me. Had I understood that at a young age I might not have gotten burned out and maybe not gotten deeper in true mental illness.

I wanted to be done with uni quickly, but I didn't realize that my type cannot do that. I would have benefited from doing it half speed. I know it is possible with some classes, mine I'm not sure, but if it had been an option I would want to go back in time. Be done with uni in 6 years instead of dropping out with a bad burn out 2 months prior to my BA took a lot longer, in fact I never got my degree!

What solutions is best for the person with ADD varies, but sometimes time is needed to find yourself, your strengths and weaknesses. At that young age it might be more important to blend in, which is not a very good idea (not for anyone really).

These days I know where I stand with my ADD. I know what I have a problem with and I know what I can do with ease. It would have come in handy back then when I was young. But one thing is certain, people with ADD must develop a much deeper insight than normal people. Normals can just do what they are told because the system is already adapted to THEIR strengths and weaknesses. WE must know the system, know ourselves, know others. It takes a bit of work.

[Claire2015]

Originally Posted by alwaysin6thgear

There is a stigma that goes with having something like ADD, however, you can't control what other people think. People can be very shallow, ignorant judgmental and narrow minded. I think many parents are more concerned about what their circle of friends might think if of them if they had a child with ADD. I'm only 53 but in my parents generation and before you never talked about going to therapy and you never talked about your feelings. Back then if you acted differently you were considered "feeble minded" a moron. You were put in an asylum. Society was very cruel to people who were "different". In some cultures, even today, having a child with some form of disability, physically or mentally , brought shame on the family or it was a sign of the devil. The child was discarded, sent to an orphanage and disowned. Peoples religious beliefs have a lot to do with dealing with mental issues.
What your friend will at some point realize is that having ADD and making an effort to control it won't be as much as an issue as having it and not doing anything about it. People will judge her for her actions. One thing I notice about people your age, and I was there at one time, is that you worry way to much about what other people think of you, nothing wrong about making a good impression but kids try to hard to fit in an be accepted. I notice it more with girls especially when a guy is involved. Social Media is no help. In fact Facebook has had nothing but a negative effect on society, all it has done is make billionaires out of it's investors. People need to realize that your posts, pictures will never go away.
Today there are options to treat ADD unlike when I was a kid, your friend is at an age where she can make her own choice and her decisions will either lead her to failures or success. Unfortunately, a young kid doesn't have that option, no voice, he/she is at the mercy of their parents. Somebody in your friends family saw something that led them to get her tested, now she knows the reason for some of her behavior, but knowing and ignoring it is only going to make her life more and more difficult and for those around her. There are several books about ADD in women written by women who have it. Maybe it might be a good idea to either give a copy to her mother to pass on to your friend or leave for your friend for her to find, not telling her that it was from you and walk away for a bit. Her boyfriend maybe playing a big part in her behavior and their isn't much you can do. She'll learn the hardway. As I said I work at a college, and I found out very quickly that the study they did that said girls mature much quicker than guys was very true. Young guys today have absolutely no respect for women, they are basically @$$h0le$. When I was at that age we never treated women the way they do today.

Thank you so much for replying with all that i agree that it has a lot of stigma which could be why my friend believes she doesn't have it anymore as she is ashamed of being labelled with it. I personally don't think ADHD is a problem at all some traits can be tough to handle however the person beneath all those symptoms is usually a sweet, caring, funny, intelligent, sympathetic soul with a heart of gold. It's just a shame not all non-ADD'ers don't have a positive perspective on it like myself.

That must of been so hard having parents think you are 'feeble' minded or 'lazy' or whatever people would ignorantly pass it as. Thank God it is more popular today so people can be diagnosed and treated, although it is one of the most misdiagnosed mental illnesses. I feel sorry for ADD/HD'ers like yourself who are genuine and struggle to keep up with the way society is suited for non-ADD'ers as it means many people can pretend to have it just to get meds or be excused for being lazy or not wanting to work as hard for whatever reason.

I haven't come across someone pretending to have it, i have however got someone in my year that thinks 'she has' ADHD cause she can't be bothered to do certain tasks that involve effort... I have known her since we were 4 so i can say for a fact she has not got ADHD... Just wish she would stop going on about it and just have some respect for those people who wish they didn't have it.

You're 100% right she has to make her own decisions so maybe just letting her hit rock bottom will be a wake up call. As an 18 year old i applaud you for working in a college it must be so stressful, high school is probably one of the hardest things a teen goes through but college is more demanding. You must have your work cut out for you cause i know many people that are mouthy at my age and think they can say what they like.

I agree he is wayyyy to immature he has horrific social skills and is about as interesting as a brick wall.... But i think you're right she needs to learn the hardway, my only concern is how much more has she got to lose before she realises he is toxic? I mean if i lost 2 different friendship groups, got kicked out of college and lost my job since being with a guy i would definately reconsider the relationship and try to mend my life back up.

Thank you again for replying i appreciate it

Claire

[Claire2015]

Originally Posted by -jimi-

For me ADD isn't so much treat as understand and accept. I have some negative things with my ADD, but also I have positives. I never functioned very well in a school environment and I wish I had understood it earlier. Even though I am intelligent and a quick learner, I do not thrive in school, it can be quite destructive for me. Had I understood that at a young age I might not have gotten burned out and maybe not gotten deeper in true mental illness.

I wanted to be done with uni quickly, but I didn't realize that my type cannot do that. I would have benefited from doing it half speed. I know it is possible with some classes, mine I'm not sure, but if it had been an option I would want to go back in time. Be done with uni in 6 years instead of dropping out with a bad burn out 2 months prior to my BA took a lot longer, in fact I never got my degree!

What solutions is best for the person with ADD varies, but sometimes time is needed to find yourself, your strengths and weaknesses. At that young age it might be more important to blend in, which is not a very good idea (not for anyone really).

These days I know where I stand with my ADD. I know what I have a problem with and I know what I can do with ease. It would have come in handy back then when I was young. But one thing is certain, people with ADD must develop a much deeper insight than normal people. Normals can just do what they are told because the system is already adapted to THEIR strengths and weaknesses. WE must know the system, know ourselves, know others. It takes a bit of work.

Thank you for that i think i get where you are coming from instead of fixing it so to speak you are simply going to find a manual that works best for you. If only you knew sooner you may of been able to get uni over with quicker. I fully believe everything happens for a reason so maybe your struggles have taught you to be the best you can be but don't be too optimistic until you are certain. I also think unmedicated people who suffer from ADD/HD are very very very sympathetic and sensitive souls which is something you can only really learn from experience.

Don't be hard on yourself its not about how fast you can get there its about the journey cause lets face it everyone will get there in the end

Claire

[Cynical4096]

Some people do outgrow ADHD.

You can't diagnose your friend with it, the best you can do is convince her to go to a professional to get an assessment.

But ultimately it is her decision what she does. Until she is ready, it may be better to concentrate on other aspects of the friendship besides a diagnostic perspective.

And from what I have read, ADHD may be a risk factor for the development of Borderline Personality Disorder, in conjunction with traumatic childhood events/adversity.

Unfortunately a significant amount of people with mental disorders do not accept it or seek help. But if you press the issue too much you may do more harm than good.

Take care.

[Claire2015]

Originally Posted by Cynical4096

Some people do outgrow ADHD.

You can't diagnose your friend with it, the best you can do is convince her to go to a professional to get an assessment.

But ultimately it is her decision what she does. Until she is ready, it may be better to concentrate on other aspects of the friendship besides a diagnostic perspective.

And from what I have read, ADHD may be a risk factor for the development of Borderline Personality Disorder, in conjunction with traumatic childhood events/adversity.

Unfortunately a significant amount of people with mental disorders do not accept it or seek help. But if you press the issue too much you may do more harm than good.

Take care.

Thank you for replying i have read numerous articles stating that ADHD is not cureable, however some can mature from childhood to adulthood which may ease some of the symptoms. Unless you get treated though it will still cause a lot of issues.

Thank you i'm thinkin of subtly telling her that i might have it, read the symptoms and get a second opinion from her by which time she will notice she has those symptoms and get checked for it. You're 100% right i can't force the issue otherwise it will be more harmful than helpful

Claire