The ADHD ARTIST, @ her tipping point

artismyonelove · Jul 23, 2015, 06:48 PM

Hi everyone, I'm going to sound like a total nube here, but here it goes anyway...

I am at my "TIPPING POINT" (so they call it). Everything that I used to try doesn't work anymore. I get into arguements when i think ppl are attacking me, I fight back. An obvious defense mechanism. I was diagnosed at 16. Went to summer school every summer. Have a few but close friends. I found my outlet at 14, art. i focus on it until i forget about anything else. I was obsessed and good at artwork. Even though I am good at it, I still have low self esteem. I can't for the life of me pay my bills on time. EVEN if I have the money in my account. I have had countless jobs. I get bored easily daydream like it's no one's business. In and out of college. I got all A's in my art class but failed because I went to the wrong museum for a field trip. I forgot I had class and the last one frankly I get in the state of mind that I don't need any of this. Which that one always bites me in the butt. WHen it comes to other classes i either fail 2 times and pass it on the 3rd. I forget the days sometimes, so working retail I was never able to get a set schedule and would come in on my days off thinking that i am working and miss the days that i actually had to work. I cant handle my social life, family, work and college. my father says I am defiant. I have been told that I don't listen or care. that I am lazy. I fight because I feel like I have to stick up for myself. Others pick up my slack. And I try so hard to not do it. I don't mean to at all. But as much as I try it always happens. I forget what I am doing at work. Conversations and social conversations sometimes confuse me. I have to work 10 times harder then the other person. I have been told by family members that I use my adhd as a crutch and am straining my important relationships because of it. Some of my family think they are helping but are not. Change of environments confuse the crap out me.

my daydreams become inspiration for my artwork. But i start a project and hardly ever finish it. When I was in high school I was on and off of medication. I started with adderall, switched to strettara, worked for a little while. Now I am am back on adderall and it has been 4 yrs now. But I get so angry and anxious. And am afraid of switching. Because 7 yrs ago I stopped doing artwork for about 4 yrs total, because of an unhappy relationship. sometimes i smoke weed as a downer and in combo of adderall because it actually makes me do work and slows down my thought process so that I do not mess up my speech. or forget words or forget what i am talking about. i am able to recall it better.

I feel and know that society doesnt understand us. I always go against the grain and have problems with authority and go the complete opposite. I feel like when people tell me to change that I can't be my true self. Against all of these odds I still am positive and pick up the pieces to move on. But I am tired and exhausted at my tipping point. i started to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I have been working on my awareness, and meditation. I volunteer. but like everything else I stop. Sometimes i become extremely sad to overjoyed in a matter of moments. I feel like I have to be in this mold that everyone wants me to be in and that I should feel guilty if i think otherwise. I do not feel that I have lived up to my full potential. I refuse to conform, and because of it I am stuck and don't know what to do.

When it comes to jobs the only ones that i have had are retail i can never stick with. i have worked two 3 jobs at once and just cant do it I am a graphic design major. I am now unemployed because I realize that when I switch jobs and when my environment changes, I have to relearn everything. and it is noticable to my employers. i feel like i am missing out on everything. i always feel like i missing something in life.

I have a hard time because I cannot express myself in words. which is why i paint expressionism. I paint because I need to paint to live. it is so hard to make a living off of it. i start so many business projects and never finish it. or i let myself down. i really try and do think positive. I think of ppl like jim carrey, van gogh, the creator of jet blue.I really want to switch it around and help ppl with mental illnesses and do seminars to teach society about adhd. but how can i help someone when i cant even help myself? This is only some of my experience with adhd.

Thanks for listening to my rant!

CANDC · Jul 24, 2015, 08:17 PM

Welcome to Psych Central (PC) artismyonelove. I am sorry you have suffered from ADHD. Glad you have joined our community. I find Psych Central helps me find answers where before there were only questions. There is so much here. It is like a buffet of help, everyone picks what they like the best.

Besides being an active participant in helping oneself at Psych Cental, many people also help support each other by replying to other people's posts. Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems are more manageable the more they help others.

You can also be an active member in other ways like supporting others in their questions, reading articles and posts http://forums.psychcentral.com that are applicable to your area of concern.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

healingme4me · Jul 24, 2015, 10:49 PM

Hi artismyonelove,

Welcome to PC!

Hope you find this community as warm and supportive, as I have.

If you have any questions or concerns, don't hesitate to ask any of the Community Liasons for help and gentle board guidance.

xiare · Jul 25, 2015, 06:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by artismyonelove

Hi everyone, I'm going to sound like a total nube here, but here it goes anyway...

I am at my "TIPPING POINT" (so they call it). Everything that I used to try doesn't work anymore. I get into arguements when i think ppl are attacking me, I fight back. An obvious defense mechanism. I was diagnosed at 16. Went to summer school every summer. Have a few but close friends. I found my outlet at 14, art. i focus on it until i forget about anything else. I was obsessed and good at artwork. Even though I am good at it, I still have low self esteem. I can't for the life of me pay my bills on time. EVEN if I have the money in my account. I have had countless jobs. I get bored easily daydream like it's no one's business. In and out of college. I got all A's in my art class but failed because I went to the wrong museum for a field trip. I forgot I had class and the last one frankly I get in the state of mind that I don't need any of this. Which that one always bites me in the butt. WHen it comes to other classes i either fail 2 times and pass it on the 3rd. I forget the days sometimes, so working retail I was never able to get a set schedule and would come in on my days off thinking that i am working and miss the days that i actually had to work. I cant handle my social life, family, work and college. my father says I am defiant. I have been told that I don't listen or care. that I am lazy. I fight because I feel like I have to stick up for myself. Others pick up my slack. And I try so hard to not do it. I don't mean to at all. But as much as I try it always happens. I forget what I am doing at work. Conversations and social conversations sometimes confuse me. I have to work 10 times harder then the other person. I have been told by family members that I use my adhd as a crutch and am straining my important relationships because of it. Some of my family think they are helping but are not. Change of environments confuse the crap out me.

my daydreams become inspiration for my artwork. But i start a project and hardly ever finish it. When I was in high school I was on and off of medication. I started with adderall, switched to strettara, worked for a little while. Now I am am back on adderall and it has been 4 yrs now. But I get so angry and anxious. And am afraid of switching. Because 7 yrs ago I stopped doing artwork for about 4 yrs total, because of an unhappy relationship. sometimes i smoke weed as a downer and in combo of adderall because it actually makes me do work and slows down my thought process so that I do not mess up my speech. or forget words or forget what i am talking about. i am able to recall it better.

I feel and know that society doesnt understand us. I always go against the grain and have problems with authority and go the complete opposite. I feel like when people tell me to change that I can't be my true self. Against all of these odds I still am positive and pick up the pieces to move on. But I am tired and exhausted at my tipping point. i started to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I have been working on my awareness, and meditation. I volunteer. but like everything else I stop. Sometimes i become extremely sad to overjoyed in a matter of moments. I feel like I have to be in this mold that everyone wants me to be in and that I should feel guilty if i think otherwise. I do not feel that I have lived up to my full potential. I refuse to conform, and because of it I am stuck and don't know what to do.

When it comes to jobs the only ones that i have had are retail i can never stick with. i have worked two 3 jobs at once and just cant do it I am a graphic design major. I am now unemployed because I realize that when I switch jobs and when my environment changes, I have to relearn everything. and it is noticable to my employers. i feel like i am missing out on everything. i always feel like i missing something in life.

I have a hard time because I cannot express myself in words. which is why i paint expressionism. I paint because I need to paint to live. it is so hard to make a living off of it. i start so many business projects and never finish it. or i let myself down. i really try and do think positive. I think of ppl like jim carrey, van gogh, the creator of jet blue.I really want to switch it around and help ppl with mental illnesses and do seminars to teach society about adhd. but how can i help someone when i cant even help myself? This is only some of my experience with adhd.

Thanks for listening to my rant!

Write these kinds of things, regularly, for your therapist. Do you know what kind of therapy you'll be getting?

artismyonelove · Jul 27, 2015, 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xiare

Write these kinds of things, regularly, for your therapist. Do you know what kind of therapy you'll be getting?

Hi thanks xiare for responding.
I do not know what kind of therapy I am getting. Do you suggest a certain kind of therapy. I minnow the women that I am seeing is a social worker that minored in psych and has a background in medition. Problem is with me I forget and then say I dont need therapy or to talk about. I have a terrible time getting to the point. I need to start again a diary of sorts. I haven't gone to therapy in yrs so thank you for reminding me to point out the painfully obvious, which I often forget to do. And don't take it the wrong way I def wasn't being sarcastic.

kbaydoun · Jul 31, 2015, 11:25 PM

All your struggles are my struggles. It was strange reading your first message. It was you were describing me. my forgetfulness, starting projects without completing them, having great ideas without following through with them, difficulty expressing myself in words, difficulty getting to the point, my anger, handling casual conversations, keeping up with work and responsibilities like paying bills. I am tired of trying to make sense of all this and to cope. it is one day at a time for me. I came across your message and this site in my pursuit to find help in dealing with my own symptoms and struggles, especially at this difficult time in my life. I believe that it is incumbent upon us to keep trying until we get it right by being happy and productive. It is a daily struggle. However, it can be worse. The ultimate deal is to manage our symptoms by finding a way to deal with all of the above one at a time. It helps to meet and talk to others like us to put things into perspective. Also, by helping others, you along the way end up helping yourself. Getting involved with others gives you the motivation and the satisfaction that you need to get better and manage your adhd. It all count. Hang in there and do not give up. I tried Amino Acid powder for energy. It helped me focus and gave me energy at work. It also helped me through the low points in my life. Exercise for me, like running and resistance training, helps a great deal.

artismyonelove · Aug 11, 2015, 08:24 AM

hey thanks for responding to my post and for your kind words. I used to work out 3 times a week and because of different life situations i cannot get back on routine because then i would feel like i am missing out on other things. but i know i def have to do something tht involves exercise. I used to run but that was for a reason like when i was gonna join the military. it is my focus that i have to work on. I was thinking tai chi.

Amino acid? I will have to give that one a shot. i take many vitamins already. if it helps with focus then i should give it a try. I take ginko biloba and that works same with fish oil.

glad I am not alone. thanks so much for your support! it is what i needed.

snoozysnooze · Aug 11, 2015, 08:23 PM

Wow, I am in agreement with kbaydoun- this felt like you were describing me as well!

I have just recently been diagnosed with ADHD- I was pretty skeptical at first.
Through much research and reading of personal accounts- I am now sure of it.

I have a fake it till you make it approach. No one that I work with or customer would ever believe I have ADHD. They all think I am the happiest person in the world who totally has her ish together. Not so. My life is great and I should be very content, and I am- to a point. My boyfriend is the one who has his ish together.

He has actually been a savior for me. He is my accountability- I don't want to let him down- so I pay bills on time- mostly. I have found autopay to be a lifesaver! I definitely wouldn't pay bills on time or return books or dvds on time etc etc etc. I only have a checking account because his name is on it and I know I wont screw him over.

I have been on an 8 year journey to become a better person and all that.

I went to therapy to work out some serious personal issues. It helped a lot. That was about 6 years ago. I went for about 9 months and then quit because my therapist moved and I didn't like the new one blah blah blah and I was on a good path.

In January I knew something was wrong because all of the boundaries and structure I had going in my life just wasn't working anymore. It was like I fell apart when everything started getting really stable. Which is so annoying- my life is actually pretty great so- I am just gonna go ahead and screw it up. what???

I have been on this journey of authenticity for quite some time and I knew I would have to deal with this if I wanted it to get better. I had to listen to my body-- it always finds a way to tell me what I need and don't need.

So, here I am. I see my therapist every other week. I have been seeing my prescriber once a month for the last three months-- I am very fortunate to have wonderful people working with me.

I still struggle every single day. Every day of my life is me trying! I have to try everyday and I have to keep that positive attitude- looking for the silver lining to everything or I will sink into negativity so quickly- becoming a rather nasty person.

I have to fake it till I make it or I will ruin everything. it's what keeps me going. It has taken a lot of heartache and evidence that things work if you keep authentically trying. Some days are better that others. I am just very grateful to have things in my life I feel I would waste away without. I don't want to lose what and who I have in my life now. that is my motivation to persevere! And I am so glad I found this site!!!

I hope this helps you feel that you're not alone. It helps me just to get it all out!

snoozysnooze · Aug 11, 2015, 08:27 PM

Also exercising and healthy eating have helped dramatically. And the amino acid L-Tyrosine.

I also stay away from things I know will depress or piss me off. Like some movies, the news, and politics...

artismyonelove · Sep 01, 2015, 06:36 PM

yeah i try to stay away from things that piss me off too. i find actually watching world news is more satisfying. i dont have cable. which i am so happy i dont.

i saw my doc today and we are working on regulating my emotions. I am glad relieved that i am not the only one feeling this way. lol

Quote:

Originally Posted by snoozysnooze

Also exercising and healthy eating have helped dramatically. And the amino acid L-Tyrosine.

I also stay away from things I know will depress or piss me off. Like some movies, the news, and politics...